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Finally I Have Broken Free

I left my partner (and I use the word loosely) of three years on Feb. 13 of this year.

Ever since I met "BJ" I knew he was an arrogant, demanding, and difficult person. However, there was always a strong attraction between us. I used to think it was fate - probably part of the reason I stayed with him so long.

We were friends for a couple years before we began to date, and for the first while our relationship was pretty good. There were some major warning signs...jealousy, dishonesty about his sexual history, stuff like that...but for some reason I had convinced myself that this was "meant to be." I believed that up until January of this past year, when it was like the clouds parted and I saw the sun for the first time in three years.

I am glad I am no longer with him and I will deal with the way he abused me later, when I have energy to delve into that. In the meantime, however, I have an immediate problem that I must face.

My ex has been overseas for five weeks and we haven't had much contact. However, we are still in the process of splitting up and I am going to have to face him at least a few more times before all of our issues are resolved. Strange as this may sound, I never realized just how abusive he was until this past month when I had time to reflect on our relationship and the way he really treated me. The more I looked, the worse it got. Things I had pushed away were under the microscope and I was forced to admit that I had, in fact, been mentally abused ever since I met this man.

So now he is coming back next week and I have to find the strength not to get involved in my old patterns with him. It seems odd to me that I will probably still have trouble saying no to him, even though I am so much happier without him, but every time in the past it's been the same. I've always gone back. I'm stronger this time, but I'm going to need some support to get through it.

The thing about me is I am much happier alone. I justified staying with him so long because I thought I was in love. And maybe I was, at least with the parts of him that weren't cruel and selfish. I don't understand why I keep going back to him, I just know that I can't this time. And I'm terrified to see him.

acadialost acadialost 21-25, F 7 Responses Jun 1, 2007

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Thank you for posting this. Who hasn't been through a dead end relationship and kept returning? The denial that the relationship is bad for us is what keep us from receiving the blessing that is awaiting. Keep thinking of your happiness without him and when you feel weak thinking of him, find something else to occupy your time. its just not worth it. The mental abuse has a long term affect and looking back, is that a house that you want to be in? Is that a place to raise a family? Your worth more, there alot more people that would love to treat you better. Time this time to heal and work on your self esteem.<br />
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Keep walking and dont look back!

hello, just wanted to say that this was a very encouraging post to read. I admire your strength to climb out of that relationship, and realize that you're happiest without him. Not going back after doing so before is the hardest thing, but once you just say no...to him and to yourself, it all gets easier. just know that you deserve better, everyone does. and no one should be abused, whether it's mentally/physically/or emotionally. My previous situation was a bit different, but i completely understand the difficulties of not wanting to go back and how that can be rough. Gook Luck, you seem like an intelligent woman. best wishes.

I am relatively safe from a face to face encounter. I am miles away from him and the last I heard he is broke. The last opportunity he had to see me, he spent it going to some island for nearly a fortnight, not to me. <br />
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Thanks for your insight, bison2011. This lazy guy just wants me to do all the legwork.

Thank you all for posting. This all helps me. My silence with him is starting to break and I have been trying to phone him to make him understand something and no reply. Perhaps you are right, truth. They are beyond repair. He seems to be changing but there are still big red flags that he is so lacking in empathy. :(

Some people, like these abusive men, are beyond repair, lets not be their victims anymore!

Wanting to go back is more common than I guessed, I hope you handled your situation, I am handling mine now.

I felt exactly like that with my ex husband when we split up. I really felt like I was still in love with him yet my life was so peaceful without him. He had a habit of coming around and trying to get back in my good graces. It is very hard in the beginning but lucky for me he started seeing someone well actually he was cheating on me with her but he still thought he wanted to be with me. I am glad he chose her. I know that sounds crazy but that decision really let me off the hook so to speak. Over the years when he would have problems with her he would try to come running to me. I was strong enough at that point to say NO! Here it is 14 years later and he has since divorced her and starting coming around. I had not heard from him in over 7 years! Now he acts like we are buddies! He abdoned my son and had nothing to do with him all these years. Now he is acting like he thinks he is going to pick up where he left off. I have been ignoring his phone calls. Fortunately for me he lives in another state. Try to stay strong and focus on your will power. It is easy to give in when they come around sweet talking you. Especially if the breakup is still new. I can tell you that my ex abused the girl he was with too! He has not changed one bit not even 14 years later.