Finally I Have Broken Free
I left my partner (and I use the word loosely) of three years on Feb. 13 of this year.
Ever since I met "BJ" I knew he was an arrogant, demanding, and difficult person. However, there was always a strong attraction between us. I used to think it was fate - probably part of the reason I stayed with him so long.
We were friends for a couple years before we began to date, and for the first while our relationship was pretty good. There were some major warning signs...jealousy, dishonesty about his sexual history, stuff like that...but for some reason I had convinced myself that this was "meant to be." I believed that up until January of this past year, when it was like the clouds parted and I saw the sun for the first time in three years.
I am glad I am no longer with him and I will deal with the way he abused me later, when I have energy to delve into that. In the meantime, however, I have an immediate problem that I must face.
My ex has been overseas for five weeks and we haven't had much contact. However, we are still in the process of splitting up and I am going to have to face him at least a few more times before all of our issues are resolved. Strange as this may sound, I never realized just how abusive he was until this past month when I had time to reflect on our relationship and the way he really treated me. The more I looked, the worse it got. Things I had pushed away were under the microscope and I was forced to admit that I had, in fact, been mentally abused ever since I met this man.
So now he is coming back next week and I have to find the strength not to get involved in my old patterns with him. It seems odd to me that I will probably still have trouble saying no to him, even though I am so much happier without him, but every time in the past it's been the same. I've always gone back. I'm stronger this time, but I'm going to need some support to get through it.
The thing about me is I am much happier alone. I justified staying with him so long because I thought I was in love. And maybe I was, at least with the parts of him that weren't cruel and selfish. I don't understand why I keep going back to him, I just know that I can't this time. And I'm terrified to see him.