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I've Grown, I've Survived , I'm Happy

I had an affair with a "man" (more like a monster), in my early 20's that lasted about 5 years, it was an on and off thing.  That's how most abusive relationships are anyway.

The first time he hit me was when I was driving.  We were late to an appointment and he "needed" cigarettes, he didn't have money or a job and we didn't have the time which I pointed out to him.  That earned me a punch, not a slap, a full fisted punch to the side of my face.  The impact was so strong that my entire body jolted as did the wheel and the car into on coming traffic in the opposite lane.  We almost had an accident. 

I've been verbally abused, had drinks thrown at me (glass too), spit on, been shoved backwards into a bathtub, hit so hard on the left side of my face that I now have partial permanent hearing loss in my left ear.  He's thrown my things out, destroyed my property, beat me and pushed outside of my apartment with nothing but a towel on.  He sodomized me, broke into my apartment and stole from me, and threatened to kill me.

I was in a bad space, no self confidence, battered, struggling financially and alone.  I was embarrassed and ashamed, all of the explanations for the bruises on my body and face, the lies I told to my bosses, co-workers, friends and family.  Shame ruled my life.

I wanted to die, it was the only time in my life that I ever considered suicide as an option out of the terror I was in.

Somehow, I managed to save enough money and moved and didn't tell him where I relocated to.  He still knew where I worked and called me there begging me to forgive him for he knew this time I was seriously done with him. 

I reluctantly agreed to meet him at a pub after work, as he said he had one final thing to say to me before he "let" me go.  When I got there he had a dozen red roses, said he was leaving his other girlfriend and asked me to marry him.  I was sick...

I don't remember the whole conversation that followed because I have blocked so much of this ******* out of my mind over the years...but I did tell him a firm no, and he vowed again angrily he'd never let me go and kill me if I truly left him for another man.

I moved again, had another failed relationship during this time, and months later met my current man, who is sweet, honest, caring and has never laid a finger on me. 

A few years back when I was still living on my own, my phone rang..on the other line it was "him", he said he found my number by doing some research.  My heart sank and that fear that I had forgotten so long ago punched me in the guts and I was down.  I didn't respond, I hung up the phone, stunned.  He found me again.  Would I ever be free?

I came clean with my current boyfriend about this guy, I've shared more here about what I went through than what I told him. I'm not one to mope on about how bad I've had things, but out of concern for his safety he deserved to know the jist of it especially when we decided to move in together. 

I now live with my wonderful boyfriend, we bought a house in a small suburb outside of Portland and my name is unlisted on the address/phone.

I think at times I'm a coward and I live in fear and hide, but other times I think I'm brave and that I got out of that relationship on my terms and he has no power over me, but does he still if I fear my personal contact information getting back to him?

No one really knows what its like to fear for your life from someone you love unless you have experienced first hand. 

I have learned to love myself first, built my confidence back up, I understand I deserve better and to never settle for less than what I need in a life partner. 

I fought and sought out for peace in my life, I now have some degree of normalcy...and to truly love and be loved in return...that's what we all deserve.  Life is too short and real love is waiting for us all.

golddustwoman golddustwoman 36-40, F 11 Responses Sep 11, 2008

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thank you so much for writing that. the first time my boyfriend hit me was in the car over stopping for cigarettes also which is crazy. is there anyway we could email because i have never met anyone who shared my experience in such the same way? that post could have been my words.

RM-Thanks for the heartfelt response to my story. It pains me when I come back online to EP to just visit this story but it also reminds me of where I've been and the strength I had to overcome an almost impossible situation to escape from. You sound like a wonderful, caring person that anyone would be lucky to have has a life partner. I wish you the best as well and thank you again for your supportive and kind words. It's refreshing to read posts like yours that remind us all that their is honest, loving, caring people in this world. Sometimes a stranger is simply a friend you haven't yet connected with. Thanks my friend :)

Hay goldi i just want to start off by saying thank you so much for youre insperation i wish you nothing but the best i am a man but i hate guys who hurt women it ****** me off more then i can describe its guys like the one that hurt you that give good guys like me a bad name i dont hit women ever matter of fact i hit guys who hit women no man deserves to put his hands on a woman like that ever and no woman deserves to have a man put there hands on them like that it makes me sick to my stumuch i was always tought that if someone loved you they would never hurt you like that and i beleav in that more then anything thank you so much for telling youre story i love you and i wish you the best that life has to offer stay strong always

i am currently in a similiar situation and i have this deep seeded fear in the pit of my stomach he will go trhough with his threats and actually kill me. i have an escape plan but i am doing this all by myself..i don't know how i will sleep at night..you are one strong woman and i hope to be as well...

Thank you Nuevo! I am much healthier in EVERY way possible today. Sometimes I think we are thrown circumstances in our lives to test our endurance, our will to live the life we deserve.. and from it all we become the person we were meant to be all along. I feel a sense of hope about sharing my personal wounds if it means just ONE person that has experienced or is dealing with something similar knows they are not alone and that they too can find their inner strength to persevere and save themselves before it’s too late. It's important that these women know they are not alone and support can be found even here on EP.

I signed up for the group "I Married a Controlling, Emotionally Abusive Man". I wrote a story titled "The Marriage Nazi" ( pretty much self explanatory, dont´you think ?). I am glad its all over. I havent seen him in years. The scars have taken a time to heal, but I am on the mend and I am glad to hear you too, have found the peace you deserve at last. <br />
Kudos to us !!.

that's why I chose you as my bestest friend Wander! I only deserve the best! love ya!

Thanks ForeversNever, you're sweet..

I agree that was very inspiring! :)<br />
nobody should ever be put in a situation like this..I have no patience for men that hit women...grrrr makes me mad!

Thank you Caska, truly..I appreciate it! This was not an easy memory to share but writing it cathartic for me and if others read it and maybe are in a similar situation they can find the hope and strength they need to get out now.

I'm so proud of you!<br />
What an inspiration you are.