I've Grown, I've Survived , I'm Happy
I had an affair with a "man" (more like a monster), in my early 20's that lasted about 5 years, it was an on and off thing. That's how most abusive relationships are anyway.
The first time he hit me was when I was driving. We were late to an appointment and he "needed" cigarettes, he didn't have money or a job and we didn't have the time which I pointed out to him. That earned me a punch, not a slap, a full fisted punch to the side of my face. The impact was so strong that my entire body jolted as did the wheel and the car into on coming traffic in the opposite lane. We almost had an accident.
I've been verbally abused, had drinks thrown at me (glass too), spit on, been shoved backwards into a bathtub, hit so hard on the left side of my face that I now have partial permanent hearing loss in my left ear. He's thrown my things out, destroyed my property, beat me and pushed outside of my apartment with nothing but a towel on. He sodomized me, broke into my apartment and stole from me, and threatened to kill me.
I was in a bad space, no self confidence, battered, struggling financially and alone. I was embarrassed and ashamed, all of the explanations for the bruises on my body and face, the lies I told to my bosses, co-workers, friends and family. Shame ruled my life.
I wanted to die, it was the only time in my life that I ever considered suicide as an option out of the terror I was in.
Somehow, I managed to save enough money and moved and didn't tell him where I relocated to. He still knew where I worked and called me there begging me to forgive him for he knew this time I was seriously done with him.
I reluctantly agreed to meet him at a pub after work, as he said he had one final thing to say to me before he "let" me go. When I got there he had a dozen red roses, said he was leaving his other girlfriend and asked me to marry him. I was sick...
I don't remember the whole conversation that followed because I have blocked so much of this ******* out of my mind over the years...but I did tell him a firm no, and he vowed again angrily he'd never let me go and kill me if I truly left him for another man.
I moved again, had another failed relationship during this time, and months later met my current man, who is sweet, honest, caring and has never laid a finger on me.
A few years back when I was still living on my own, my phone rang..on the other line it was "him", he said he found my number by doing some research. My heart sank and that fear that I had forgotten so long ago punched me in the guts and I was down. I didn't respond, I hung up the phone, stunned. He found me again. Would I ever be free?
I came clean with my current boyfriend about this guy, I've shared more here about what I went through than what I told him. I'm not one to mope on about how bad I've had things, but out of concern for his safety he deserved to know the jist of it especially when we decided to move in together.
I now live with my wonderful boyfriend, we bought a house in a small suburb outside of Portland and my name is unlisted on the address/phone.
I think at times I'm a coward and I live in fear and hide, but other times I think I'm brave and that I got out of that relationship on my terms and he has no power over me, but does he still if I fear my personal contact information getting back to him?
No one really knows what its like to fear for your life from someone you love unless you have experienced first hand.
I have learned to love myself first, built my confidence back up, I understand I deserve better and to never settle for less than what I need in a life partner.
I fought and sought out for peace in my life, I now have some degree of normalcy...and to truly love and be loved in return...that's what we all deserve. Life is too short and real love is waiting for us all.