Always Falling For the Wrong Ones

I've had boyfriends in the past, yes.  Some were OK, but some have made very bad memories I still struggle to overcome.  The men involved may be gone, but the effect on my life is still there. And its not going away very easily. I remember being hit, yelled at, thrown across the room, threatened (its odd how they can make you understand their warnings without actually making overt threats, like the husband in the Jennifer Lopez movie "Enough"), and so on. My goals were belittled, I was always compared to others and put down- I could never be good enough.  The men were always jealous, too, not only of other men, but of my friends and family, as well.  No matter the guy, the patterns were the same. 

One ex used to wave a 50mm bullet in front of my face and describe what it would do to those I love if I ever pissed him off enough.  I can't touch a gun to this day and its been several years.  The memories of his threats are still vivid.  He is also the one who used sex as a punishment.  The more I was hurting the more he liked it.  He would force me into various postitions and acts that I didn't want to do.  And I had to pretend that I liked it when he was done.  I even tried to make myself believe it.  He wanted a certain type of woman and I played the part well except for the alcohol and drugs- I didn't fall into any of that, thank god!  I sold myself out and now I have to try to overcome my own choices in the relationship.  I dont ever want to go thru that again.

I avoid men because I dont know who is safe and who isn't.  I want to fall in love, but I wonder if it will ever happen.  I feel like damaged goods because I am so afraid of everything!  I cry all the time over dumb stuff.  I panic when someone yells and over other triggers, too. I am an emotional wreck!  No man wants that even if he is a good guy. 

I also feel shame for who I allowed myself to become.  I was raised better than that.  I was raised not to fall prey to another's control.  Who am I to think that I should even want to be loved by a caring man who will understand the past and that I am trying to heal?  And how do I know that those who say they understand aren't just playing me? 

But I keep at it- this healing journey- hoping that someday it will all fade and I will be whole again.  I hope the shame will go away and I will not feel dirty or like an unredeemable sinner. 

I wonder why I can't just "buck up" and get over it.  It is in the past.  I made bad choices.  I am responsible for my part in it all, but I still feel like a victim.  I tell myself I am a survivor, but I don't believe it.  I remember someone I work with saying that life is what we make of it.  He has a great knack for letting some of the most horrible stuff go- he's a law enforcement officer- though he is a very caring man.  I never told him my story, but I do ask him quite often how he does it.  I want to learn.  I want to be better.  I want to be like him and let the bad go and go on living my life. 

Last, I don't like feeling like I am alone.  I know there are others who have had similar experiences, but my mind still lies to me.  I wonder if something is wrong with me.  Yet, there is a part of me that says there isn't.  It's a constant war inside me.  I also fear God will judge me harshly for all this though I am not very religious in any way, really.

Tigress35 Tigress35
31-35, F
5 Responses Jun 16, 2007

Yeah, no one else will love you like he does; thank goodness.

We do tend to form a pattern and pick these same guys over and over again. After a while though you will start to see the warning signs because these experiences you have been through make you a bit more wiser each time history repeats itself. Cosmopolitan magazine many years ago published this incredible article I wish I still had it about warning signs of an abusive man. I remember one of the signs was if he speaks ill of, disrespects or is abusive to his mother this was a big one. Isolation from friends and family keeping you to themselves is another classic sign. He starts out just punching walls or breaking up furniture when his angry which can lead to him eventually hitting you. He tells you things like nobody else will or can ever love you like I do. That one sounds weird huh? It almost sounds like a loving compliment but think about it. Another sign is he pushes you or shoves you but he hasn't hit you really right? Well not yet he hasn't but this behavior will usually turn more aggressive over time. I can't remember the rest but I thought it was very interesting.

You have to believe in yourself tigeress35... You are not to blame, unfrotionatly there are alot of @ssholes out there. You have nothing to be a shamed about, what you have been through was terrible, and even tho we try to get out, it is hard. No matter how much you relive the bad times you can't change them. It sounds like you have a good friend to talk to. you should open up to him. He just might be able to help you out. The biggest hurdle is telling your self that the abuser is wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. They are so angry with them selfs that the way they can be men is to abuse someone who can't fight back. As, for God, well there is nothing to fret there, our sins were judged on the cross. They were bought and paid for by the Lord Jesus Christ.

I think that you should try & put God first in your life & once you do that you will be able to heal from all the mishaps & bad relationships that you have been through. I too have been in an abusive relationship before where the guy was overprotective & jealous of me. I was not even able to go anywhere without asking his permission. We would fight all the time & I've had my fair shair of black eyes & bruises. I learned to Love myself first because if you don't Love yourself how can anyone else Love you. There is someone out there that will Love you for you & not be abusive (that is physically or mentally)

You had the strength to get out of the relationship, which is more than many can say, you have already shown your strength. You may be timid when entering a relationship, but that just shows your caution: you still are willing to try. You say you don't feel like a survivor, but you are: you have escaped an abusive relationship, resolved to not do it again, and are actively trying to learn from your past, and forge a better future. When you are ready to date again, you will know from the past what characteristics show a tendency for abuse, you will know to take it slow so you know what you are getting into, and you will know when you have found a good man. You are strong, I believe in you.