So, I just realized a week ago, that my marriage of 24 years is abusive. I feel so stupid for not owning up to this before.

My spouse has gotten physical on at least ten occasions, most recently last week after a confrontation. After reading the passive aggressive behavior traits, I became very angry once I realized he was manipulating me. I confronted him, demanding counseling or divorce. He grabbed my face, slammed the back of my head against a picture on the wall, shattering the glass. Because these encounters aren't as extreme as some and were dismissed by my dysfunctional parents, I assumed it was normal.

He is good at going to work, watching TV, but little else. We have 5 children, 3 out the house, and the last two (18/20), still at home. He has contributed very little to their development. When confronted about issues he'll sulk, appears disengage, and ignore my concerns. Lately, he's started admitting guilt, then will immediately act (do a few household chores), but revert back within days.

He'll say yes to my chore request, then put it off for months even years. When I question him about following through, he gets offended, and lashes out. He blames me for his anger...it was the way I said it to him. I try harder, be nicer, be calmer..have a sweeter tone in my voice... still the same reaction. He is easily offended at my suggestions for any improvement.

He's ridiculed me under his breath, but loud enough for the kids to hear, and the ring leader in the rebellion against the responsible mom. Just another kid for me to take care of... a man only in the bedroom.

I come from a family of alcoholics. My father stopped drinking when I was ten, but never dealt with the underlying issues. I now realize, they cannot offer adequate marital advice.

I've started counseling this week. I realize I'm a mess! How I made it this far, is the grace of God. I moved into a separate bedroom with a locked door, and now trying to figure out where I am going to go from here.

He realizes he has a problem...and has scheduled counseling...of course, a week from now. I really don't care at this point what the hell he does. I'm just angry, so damn angry. I am trying to just let myself be angry. For so long, I just tried to be strong, move ahead in life, suppress my feelings, and would tell myself, he is not my problem.....didn't want to be someone's victim, and all along I was just that!
dpwm9dpw dpwm9dpw
46-50, F
3 Responses Aug 30, 2014

I would like to first say I am sorry for all ur troubles no one should have to go thru things like that. I myself am also in an abusive relationship. It is heart breaking people will tell u ur stupid or or being ridiculous while others will lend u a listening in sadly the only hope woman like us have is to do something about it. And I don't think its as easy as all the books say. U watch lifetime movie network or see others fight and u just find itself feeling week or pathetic. I wish I had a better comment or more advice to lead u to salvation. But the most I can offer is ur not alone. If u were one of my friends I'd tell u I'd beat him up for u or help u escape but then again at that point I'd be a hypocrite no one knows of my situation and the ones that do think I'm stupid and want me to run away but like I said a lot easier said then done. If I'd ever like to chat just send a message good luck.

Thank you ! You're right, it's not as easy as the movies..but it is time for me to let go, and see what else life has for me.

It's painful, but necessary. I hope and pray the same for you!

I too was raised in a dysfunctional family so of course my adult relationships were just as bad. I remember going into counseling saying how everything was my fault. If I wasn't so messed up my relationship with my children's father would be great. We never married but we were together for over twenty years. I always made excuses for him. I did not think I was being abused because I believed the things he said and accepted them as truths. I would try and try to be better but it was never good enough. I was never good enough. He never hit me, though I had been in physically abusive relationships. I thought as long as I wasn't being beat and the kids weren't being beat then I could expect no more than that.
The truth was that I hated myself and he was how I punished me. I saw myself as a victim and life simply happened to me. If it was bad and it was, then I must deserve it.
I see you have started counseling and that is a wonderful first step. Please be very careful because once you start finding yourself, he will feel the change and things might get worse. If he has shown that he can be violent (and he certainly has) you are not safe. It sounds like you are just beginning to realize that you deserve better. You should be angry! Just use that anger to propel you forward to a new life. Ask your therapist to help you find yourself a support group where you can get good advice. Get in touch with people who will help protect you. Be totally honest with your therapist about the abuse. If you start planning on moving forward think things through very carefully and keep all information to yourself. You will be tempted to share with your family or your children and ask for advice or look for confirmation that you are doing the right thing. Beware of this urge, it is your negative self and you might be sabotaging your efforts. Take some time to pray to whatever you believe God to be and do it often. Your husband's journey is just that, his journey and if he is making appointments for counseling simply because it pacifies you it won't help. It will be just another form of manipulation. To be totally honest with you if he actually does go ( I am not trying to be negative just honest) proceed with caution. Why does he realize now that he has a problem? Is it because you have moved to another room? No one knows your situation better than you. Please be honest with yourself about what is going on. Please be safe. Know that you are at the beginning of what can be an amazing journey of self love and self discovery. It is a lot of really hard work but it will be nothing that you cannot handle. The universe does not work that way. Once you start on that path you will find a beautiful future that is so much more than you ever imagined. I know this for a fact because I live it. I hope to see more posts from you. I wish you inner love. Peace out :-)

Thanks so much for the advice. It means so much. It is just a very lonely place to be in, since all my family have the same dysfunctional thinking. Very odd to me, but I am looking forward to finding myself again.

You have been given a gift. The desire to want more for yourself. Only you can find the answers. In time you will meet others with similar thinking. That is another reason why you need to find a support group. Go to a quiet place tonight, perhaps your room and let yourself feel the excitement behind the fear and be inspired by it. To embark upon the journey of self discovery is the most exciting and most important thing you will ever do. Rejoice for a new you has begun!

Oh I'm so sorry I just want to give you a hug