Seems Like a Lifetime Ago ....

One of the pivotal life changing events I had happened when I was 22.

I met an intern when I was still in high school. I was 16, he was 24. I thought he was a God. We really hit it off - had dinner, but never did anything. He moved out of state a few months later.

Fast forward 6 years - he came back. I couldn't believe it. He walked back in, like he owned the place. He was great - smart, funnier than hell, charismatic, charming, and very rich. When he asked me out again this time for a drink, I jumped at the chance.

I heard rumors from some of the girls in the company that he was pretty rough with his last girl friend. I didn't think much of it. She was probably just jealous because he dumped her.

The first few months of dating was fantastic. He did ask me to be exclusive after the first date - to be his - and I thought that was s endearing. He loved to party, and drank a lot, but I never thought anything about it.

About three months into our relationship, we went to an NBA basketball together. Our company had a box - and it was great. It started that night when he picked me up. He asked me if I was trying to embarrass him by looking like a *****. Wow - that was hard. We didn't have time for me to change, so I kept my jacket on all night. I thought maybe he had a bad day.

We got there, and I ran into some people I hadn't seen in years.  Mike was chatting with his coworkers, so  I thought it was OK to mosey on over and talk to them.  My friends were making fun of me, asking why I had a jacket on in the middle of summer, so I took it off.  We laughed drank, etc.  It was a lot of fun.

Mike came over in an hour and said we were leaving - he never acknowledged my friends.

He took me to his house, where we fought, horribly. He was drunk - he told me he hated my guts, and that I was just a stupid *****. I should have just sat in those guy's laps at the game. 

He locked me in an upstairs bedroom - that's the first time he did that. He told me he hated me so much he couldn't look at me anymore. I kept wondering what I could do to make him feel better. I apologized - it didn't help. In the morning, he let me out, brought me breakfast, told me he was so sorry, that he loved me and couldn't live without me - not to give up on him. Yeah  -  I believed him.

Many nights this repeated - many bad things happened that I won't share - I can't. It hurts to much. Needless to say cops were called so many times by the neighbors that they knew are names.

What made me leave? He invited me to a wedding - in Minnesota.  I knew no one, and was excited to meet his friends. One night while we were all drinking, his friends left, and he grabbed a hunting knife.  He held it to my stomach. moving up my chest, and told me he should just end my miserable life right now because he hated me so much...just one swish. it would be over. Just one.

I somehow talked the knife out of his hands - honestly, I don't remember. I do remember that he passed out on the couch, and I ran downstairs and hid in the basement, wrapped in a blanket. I never slept. The next day I called my parents and they bought me a ticket home.

Mike tried to tell everyone that we knew that I was crazy. I was the one who had problems. He walked in one day to the store my mom ran, and reported from work in the pharmacy. He was all smiles an compliments. She told him to get the hell out of her store and if he came back she would kick his ***. My mom never told me this - my dad did years later. I have a huge amount of respect for my mom  : ) 

I am 36 now. To this day - this still hurts. This is a man who said he loved me, loved me more than anyone ever would, loved me when no one else would ever want me.  I'm still scared - I hate being locked in anywhere, and I don't lock my bedroom door.

I'm not saying I am the best person - but I now know that I didn't deserve this. I still hear his name in conversations and on emails since we work for the same company. I cringe when I do - he still scares me - and for a long time after this was over - I REALLY thought I loved him.

MizzBlue72 MizzBlue72
36-40, F
5 Responses Mar 13, 2009

I really wish I would have left too. I don't know why I stayed - I could use the excuse that he said he loved me, but that's not love. Now I see that. <br />
<br />
It was hard to write this - I haven't thought about this for a LONG time. A LONG time. <br />
<br />
Yes - this has effected my relationships - subconciously I think. I pick guys along this line - the wrong guys, if they have problems, I think I can help them then oh yeah -grrr. It is so annoying. <br />
<br />
Trust, self esteem, worthlessness - all of these issues have come full circle - and not much better.

Mizz... I wish you would have left after the first incident.I just glad you got out of the vicious cycle. It seemed kinda tough to write about something so dramatic especially if some one pointed a knife at my stomach. I'm pretty sure it may have had an effect on your relationships with males afterwards.

Thanks barman - I have talked about this with a therapist, she helped. I can't say that it hasn't played a part in ther person that I am - it has. I am still very cautious, especially now - when using the L word, or even thinking like that. It really did f up my perception of men.... and the roles that women play too.

congradulations for getting the hurt and pain out there, you need to find someone that you trust and is safe to keep getting out what is in you, because keeping hidden doesn't heal, nor does time heal, love, support, understanding and open conversation brings healing. Hopfully that has happened and this is wasted but just in case, you can't get over that kind of abuse on your own

Thanks - yeah, this was a lot harder to write than I thought, Brings back a LOT of memories that I don't want to think about.