It's been 4 years, 2 months, & 4 days since the last time you raped me & since the last time I saw you, so why can't I get the nightmares to go away?! It's not fair that I have these nightmares and flashbacks, while you just get you live a normal life. It's not fair that I have PTSD because of you... it's just not fair. Why didn't I think to take pictures with a disposable camera for evidence of the abuse after I knew you would look through the camera on my phone?
Why didn't I just tell someone when it was happening? But more importantly, why is it that I'm blaming myself for you being an abusive jerk?!
I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want it all to go away.
untamedx3heart untamedx3heart
22-25, F
9 Responses Jan 15, 2016

understood as a victim of sexual abuse myself from a young child to now a 36yo woman. . . . the flash backs the nightmares will never fully go away. . . but your own positive thinking and not letting the person who did this have power over your mind is very important to you. . . for a moment they had power over your body please dont allow them to take anymore of you. never will anyone who is an ongoing abuser ever have the clarity and understand what they did to you.

* hugz .. *

I don't know the answer for you. Everyone is different. I went through alot of stuff. I had alot of therapy. Also meditation. And I went to alot of confidence and assertion classes. I feel better and more confident than I did before anything. I had flash backs once or twice and a bit of anxiety. Sort of nightmares. Our past doesn't have to define us. With the right help and support you can live a happier life free of your past. Me and my sister were talking about ptsd a couple of months ago. She has ptsd but I don't. I don't know how I don't but it's possibly because of how the initial reaction is to trauma. I used to very easily block stuff out, it had zero effect on me. I stopped allowing myself to do that but I did this in therapy which is a supportive safe environment. I had art therapy as well as talking therapy. Art is very therapeutic especially with an art therapist. They leave my access to therapy open because if I have any trauma I need therapy. I've learnt how to avoid putting myself in harms way also through various courses and therapy. I found it helpful in feeling safer to know how to avoid any future harmful situations. Feeling safe is a big thing in healing which is how ptsd is so difficult to heal from because from what my sister says anything can set that off. I find assessing risk - I also did personal safety course which is about basic things to do to make yourself safer and feel safer - and then manage the risk to minimise any potential danger also helps me feel more secure. Other than therapy, meditation and various courses to help with daily life I don't know what else there is you can do.
The other thing is that I found helpful to realise is that abusers live in their head - imagine having his twisted brain. They're miserable twisted up people who hurt others. You can heal, move on to a greater or lesser extent but he will always be an abuser, always be how his mind is. A probation officer told me that she'd seen many many criminals turn over a new leaf and make good lives but she had never seen an abuser who stopped abusing - the only thing that changed was who the victim was. So as much as he isn't suffering what you are suffering and he was wrong, cruel even evil to do what he did to you he is suffering because he's forever stuck how he is until he dies. When I realised this I felt glad to be a victim and not an abuser. As a real life example of this: my biological grandfather abused my grandmother. She escaped, married a good man and has a good life. My biological grandfather went on to abuse other women and have children with them. He died last year alone in a disgusting place in pain. Only 2 people went to his funeral to pay for it. Those two people had visited him the previous year to kill him because he was being an a hole to someone again but when they found the disgusting state he was in they left him to suffer and die in his own misery and mess which took over a year. An abuser is always an abuser but you can make progress and however small the progress is or however long it takes it is more progress and quicker than your abuser will ever make. Much luck and future blessings to you.

Let's have a blanket party for him in the parking lot!

It takes lot of time believe me

EMDR is a type of therapy that is highly respected for treating PTSD caused from a single event or a few seperate events. You might look into that with the counselor or therapist you chose. My heart goes out to you.

You are brave enough to live though the torment for so long. I truly hope that your pain can heal and you can move on with your life. Hugs to you.

Thank you, I hope so too!

You're welcome!

sorry kid but some times the nightmares never go away

That's true, but do they lessen in time?

My abuse happed from birth on till i left he at age 12 and yes some part have lessen over the years as we learned the triggers, and my gf and her mother and parents all had to learn many things
when they steps up and said it stops now
so now just the night mares and sometime flash backs from simple things like the smell of peanut butter

they do lessen in time but simple things trigger you. . like i got hit for spilling a coke and then the next partner i acidentally spilt coke i took off quick ilogically to any one else. . . i had to explain some of my sexual triggers to my new partners that i have learnt will give me a flash back and i need them to stop. . . mostly its about their tone and words used. . .it never goes away just learn how to work around it and know what your comfortable with

Sometimes it is not about the amount of time that has passed. It is about the healing that has occurred.

Thank you. That made me put things into a different perspective.

Hang in there. Did you ever press charges? I know that is a stupid question, but my friend never did. She was embarrassed to do so. By the time she got help the statute of limitations had expired. The problem with this type of animal is they see anything wrong with what they do. Not until they are behind bars and experiencing for them self from a cellmate.

Thank you. & no, I unfortunately never had any proof. I took pictures, but he saw & deleted them. He would look through my photos after that & then began finding ways to hide the bruises. I wish I did press charges, but I never had evidence & I was terrified because he threatened to hurt my family too. & he said no one would believe that my boyfriend raped me.

That was the same thing that happened to my friend. She then went from one abuser to another, thinking that she could not do better. She finally got help about 15 years later. I just recently found out that it happened. I would have gone after the guy if I knew back then. He was big enough to clean my clock but I would at least know that I tried to help.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. For me at least, just having my friends be there for me & try to talk me through the flashbacks helps. So I'm sure you helped her as well by being there for her when you found out.

Thanks. By the time I found out, she had been in therapy for 7 years. She still doesn't trust men to the point of being alone. She did have dinner with me last Sept. We met at a Restaurant that she knew well. But she doesn't tell any man where she lives now. She has 1 brother that she trusts, but doesn't trust her own father.

This experience has really ruined her life. I feel so bad for her. I told her before they started dating not to date him. I was friends with her first and then him. When it happened she felt she could not tell me because I had told her not to see him. That added to her anxiety about coming forward. I told her at dinner that I don't blame her. I just wish that I could have been there to help more.

Liz was my best friend before all this. I did not know why but she suddenly moved away back then and broke off contact with all her friends. I never dreamed that was why. Now it all makes sense. I still cry when I think about the abuse she went through over and over. Hers lasted for almost a year. She didn't know that she could get away from him.

3 More Responses