I've never really talked about it except to people I'm closest to, so here goes nothin. When we started dating he treated me like I was precious and gave me attention i had never had before. It made me feel great and it didn't hurt that he was gorgeous. But the first time I realized something was up was 6 months in when I said it was strange that he wanted to go visit a guitarists grave and take pictures. I get liking the guy but it just struck me as odd that's all. He screamed in my face about it and acted as if I'd offended his entire way of life. I cried for hours because no one had ever treated me that way. He apologized on his knees and begged me to forgive him. Said he lost his temper and he never meant to hurt me. I forgave him, but little by little it got worse and worse over the almost 3 years we lived together. Arguments and his temper flaring up became more and more frequent. Like he had suppressed the true him when we met but was getting more and more comfortable with treating me poorly. Eventually it got so bad I would lock myself in our bathroom to escape him and sit and cry in the shower because i loved him and didn't understand why someone I loved would treat me this way. He beat the door down literally - there was hardly any door left by the time we broke up and I cut my arm on a nail that became exposed. He put holes in the walls too on more than one occasion. He started cursing at me during arguments, destroyed a laptop his mom had given him, and threw my keys so hard at our microwave that it shattered when I tried to leave once to stay at my sisters house. The last time we got into an argument before I finally ended it, he had pushed me and made me fall down on the floor of our living room. I was devastated that he would lay hands on me. It clicked finally - I knew in that moment that he'd crossed a line we could never come back from. I left and called a friend (who I know realize is a complete moron) and told her what happened. She shrugged it off and said "well if he didn't mean to, then maybe you should try and work it out". There was nothing to work out! He was verbally abusive and scared me A LOT when he was angry - to the point that I had become depressed and lost my own identity. I wasn't me anymore and I'd let him take that away from me. I had also begun talking to a friend via email (a guy) who made me forget what I was going through and made me feel good about myself for a change. He found the emails and blew up and broke a lot of my things and sold a lot of things he's boughten for me over the years. I didn't feel guilty because I was MISERABLE and he didn't even notice or care. He did everything he could to punish me for it. Then we talked about it and I explained the way I was feeling and that he couldn't just blame me for it when he was doing everything possible to drive me away. Things didn't change. In a stroke of pure luck and coincidence, he got thrown in jail for having pot on him when he got pulled over, in my car on Mothers Day of all days, just as our lease was up, so I broke things off and called his mom to come and get his things that I had packed up for him. I got a new apartment, moved out, and never looked back. He called me after he got out of jail and tried to make me feel guilty about how I ended things (I wrote him a letter while he was in jail explaining how I felt and telling him that I loved him but I needed to love myself more) - I asked him where his consideration for me was all the times he scared me during fights, when he pushed me down to the ground, when I was so depressed I was having suicidal thoughts and crying myself to sleep almost every night, and he then turned things even uglier by making cracks about my weight which he already knew was a very sensitive thing for me, and I hung up. He called back apologizing again saying I was great to him and that he only said that to hurt me etc. I told him it was fine because I didn't care what he thought of me anymore but we're over - there's nothing left to discuss. He asked to see me one last time to say goodbye but I said no because the veil had lifted - I had been with him in spite of his temper, of his bad past, of a drug relapse where I took care of him while he came down from it (something I'd never seen before or dealt with), in spite him breaking his leg and me having to support us entirely for the last 6 months of our relationship, and in spite of him punishing me for any little thing I did by blowing up in my face and making me feel like I was constantly walking on a mine field. I gave 200% of myself in the relationship and was a shell of my former self by the time I wised up. It wasn't until I said what had happened out loud, that I realized how abusive and dysfunctional the whole thing was. A part of me will always care for him and hope that he's doing ok because even though he did all those bad things, he did treat me great when things were good - but I would never be in a relationship with him or anyone like that ever again and no one should. You can try to justify the persons actions all you like but at the end of the day, they are who they are and you should only be with someone who lifts you up and makes your life better because they're a part of it. There is no justification for abuse - verbal, physical, or otherwise.

After moving on and being single then dating after a bit I found the most loving and kind man who takes care of me both emotionally and physically - who tells me I'm beautiful every day and who has never done anything remotely wrong besides occasionally grumbling when I ask him to do certain chores lol I married him and am happier and healthier than I've ever been and a lot of that is because of him. If I can do it, anyone can. Good men are out there but you have to work on your own self esteem and remember that you're worth more than someone treating you like garbage.
SnowWhite87 SnowWhite87
26-30, F
4 Responses Jan 27, 2016

Thank you.. And I really mean thank you for opening my eyes

No problem. You deserve better and I'm glad I could help in any way possible

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you are in a good relationship now. :)

Thank you! Me too!

thank you for sharing your story and the words of encouragement. I will use it to help me break sooner and leave my abusive boyfriend now. ...I hope it works. .

So glad! If it helps even one person, it was worth writing

it is im trying to use anything to give me the strength to leave him

:') . so much cry . but awso so much happier tears :') :) !

*hugs* :)