I Have Been Insane
When I was a small girl there were no walls in my mind. I had friends and family who surrounded me and were accessible to me whenever I needed or even wanted them. Life was very nice. And then one day I came upon this giant wall. It made me curious as to what it was and why it was there but for the most part it was just another toy in my mind to throw my ball against or just walk along to see how far it ran. It did seem to go on forever and I would ask my mom about it and she would say it was just my imagination.
As I went from childhood to young adulthood I made a great discovery. I came to a corner in the wall. So now there were two walls in my mind running perpendicular to each other. This wall however made me unhappy because it got in the way of reaching some of the friends I liked to be with. So I would walk the length of this wall hoping it would end someplace where I could go around it. It didn’t end; instead I came to another wall which formed another corner. And so I found another piece of my world cut off from me. Now I didn’t walk the length of this wall because I was afraid it too would end in a corner and my mind would become a box. So I tried to break down the wall but only managed to hurt myself. I went to the people who were still in my world and told them how afraid I was of the encroaching walls but they all thought there was something wrong with me and suddenly the last wall locked into place and I was trapped and alone.
I was in a prison. I would get fed and kept alive but I was very unhappy. Voices would tell me what I had to think and do in order to get out of my box but I knew the minds behind the voices didn’t love me or even care about me. So I never gave in to the voices.
I became more and more withdrawn and fell into a meditative state and was unable to interact with the reality that used to be me. I could view my real world as though I was looking through a thick distorted glass, but I couldn’t make contact with it.
Then I became aware of another presence and when it touched my mind I knew it to be my step dad. He was able to break through my prison walls and find me here in never never land. He said my days of being a prisoner were over as he pointed at the light coming in from the hole he had made in my prison wall. He promised that light would never be blocked again by any wall. And he was right because from that time on my mind was like a barrel of a gun with Gods’ hand on the trigger pointing me where I needed to be.
As I went from childhood to young adulthood I made a great discovery. I came to a corner in the wall. So now there were two walls in my mind running perpendicular to each other. This wall however made me unhappy because it got in the way of reaching some of the friends I liked to be with. So I would walk the length of this wall hoping it would end someplace where I could go around it. It didn’t end; instead I came to another wall which formed another corner. And so I found another piece of my world cut off from me. Now I didn’t walk the length of this wall because I was afraid it too would end in a corner and my mind would become a box. So I tried to break down the wall but only managed to hurt myself. I went to the people who were still in my world and told them how afraid I was of the encroaching walls but they all thought there was something wrong with me and suddenly the last wall locked into place and I was trapped and alone.
I was in a prison. I would get fed and kept alive but I was very unhappy. Voices would tell me what I had to think and do in order to get out of my box but I knew the minds behind the voices didn’t love me or even care about me. So I never gave in to the voices.
I became more and more withdrawn and fell into a meditative state and was unable to interact with the reality that used to be me. I could view my real world as though I was looking through a thick distorted glass, but I couldn’t make contact with it.
Then I became aware of another presence and when it touched my mind I knew it to be my step dad. He was able to break through my prison walls and find me here in never never land. He said my days of being a prisoner were over as he pointed at the light coming in from the hole he had made in my prison wall. He promised that light would never be blocked again by any wall. And he was right because from that time on my mind was like a barrel of a gun with Gods’ hand on the trigger pointing me where I needed to be.
By:
suzzzy
Age:
31-35
,
Female
