Drunken Ramble Of A 20something Yr Old Female....what Do?

I don’t let people in that easily. I never like anyone. But the ones I do like (really like) seem to have a huge personality. They all have eyes that are deep and weathered. I can feel what they went through to make them the person they are and I can always see the sweetness surrounded and sheltered by the big steal walls they created. I can’t help but feel a connection with the people I meet like this. I know they can sense the connection too. I can tell by how they look at me differently than everyone else.

It affects me whenever I lose the connection with these people once it was made. It does not matter how long the initial connection lasted for.

I meet a guy at a weekend job. I didn’t really notice the connection at first but when I got the chance to spend some time with him the connection was no doubt apparent.

You can tell he wasn’t the type of person that smiled much. He had a very defensive and paranoid personality, but he was very easy going and personable at the same time. I knew something had happened to him to make him that way and I was curious of what. After asking him about this, I learned of his past drug addiction and that he is recovering and trying to fix the shambles he created. But then that lead to a bigger question…what happened to create the addiction? What happened that made you feel like you needed to alter your sober state? Whatever it was that he went through before the addiction is what gave him that look in his eyes.

I felt so comfortable around him instantly, and I could tell he felt the same. In the short time that I met him I became completely addicted. I wanted to get to know him.

The day I spent with him was the best day I have ever had in a very long time (like years)¬. He showed me that I still could have feelings that I thought I had lost forever. And for someone who seemed so angry; he sure did smile at me a lot. He called me ‘kid’ and I hated it so every time he said it I would correct him by saying ‘Sam’. And the way we flirted back and forth with each other when he called me kid made me think for sure that he had that special connection.

I spent the whole day with him and at the end of it he walked to me to my car and we ended up kissing. Right before the kiss, I was so nervous my heart was pounding and when his lips touched mine and kissed me back I was sent into the most beautiful bliss. I have never experienced something like this. I never wanted to stop kissing him…two hours later he had to go and then we said our goodbyes.

The next day all I could think about was the day I spent with him; all the little bits and pieces of it, especially this kiss. I just couldn’t wait to see him again and have him hold me and kiss me. Just thinking about him made my heart go so insane I thought I would end up having a heart attack, the feeling was so intense.

I tried to resist the urge to contact him to try to meet up. Just let it wait till the weekend again, I told myself. But I just couldn’t hold out anymore. I had to see him. I had to hold him. I had to kiss him. I had to look into those eyes. No way could I survive waiting till the weekend.

So I did contact him in hopes to meet up. Waiting for him to respond to my message seemed like eternity. I was at my full time job when I tried to contact him, so I just tried to keep myself busy to keep myself from obsessively checking my phone. Eventually my phone did light up and I got a response. I was instantly excited. My heart started up immediately when I saw his name flash across the screen on the phone. I was happy that I was going to possibly have the chance to see him before the weekend happened, I wouldn’t have to wait I was so happy.

I opened the message and read the first sentence, “hey, I don’t mean to be that guy but…” My heart went silent and all I could hear was my stomach tying in a knot. I put the phone down and took a deep breath; I didn’t want to read the rest. But you know, of course I did. Apparently he had a girlfriend a week or so before the day we spent together but they had broken up. She called him and they worked things out and they are back together. I really didn’t know what to say back, my instinct was to cuss him out and call him a bastard for leading me on, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. We had that connection and if I handled this this wrong way it will be gone forever.

But I did have a thought about what he told me. If he had a girlfriend a week prior to the day we kissed then how was he able to so easily and willingly kiss me like he was really into it, how could he smile at me like that? When I just get out of a relationship it sure as hell takes me longer than a week to be comfortable with kissing and flirting with someone else, unless the relationship was bad. So then if his relationship was bad, then how come he just instantly went back to the girl because she called him?
It makes absolutely no sense. Was it me? Did I misinterpret the connection? No, no way. Eyes don’t like, I saw the connection in his eyes. Did he make up the girlfriend story just to get rid of me? Is so then why? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I need to know. I’m sure if I should approach him and talk about how I feel, approach him and act like nothing ever happened, or just not approach him at all.

I can’t not approach him at all, I need to look into those eyes one more time to settle this for my own peace.
ripit2right ripit2right
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

I am so sorry for your situation. It hits close to home. The fact that people can use others for their own insecurities, to heal their own wounds and dispose of them so easily... I'll never quite understand how someone does it so casually. :(