There Is Power In The Name Of Jesus...to Break Every Chain.Hello. My name is Joy; and I am 12 years old.
And this is the story of how Jesus healed my heart and helped me overcome everything in my life that was holding me back from Him.
Note: If any non-Christians or atheists are reading this, don't worry....you won't find ONE trace of "religion" in this article. Because that's just it. It's not a religion. It's a relationship. It's a love story. It's the truth.
So...let's see. My life. Well, somewhere between ages four and five, I gave my heart to Jesus. I said the salvation prayer again at 7...just to make sure. :)
Well, I won't get into details..,..but, I was sort of abused during sixth grade (I'm in eighth now).
It messed with my head. I was so confused.
My self-esteem dipped down SO low...I'm sure my self-esteem scale was at least negative 500.
I didn't know how to cope with it all, so I bragged. Everybody thought I had the highest self esteem in the world...nobody EVER suspected that every time I bragged about playing piano or having a swimming pool, I was thinking, "I'm worthless, dumb, stupid, weird, and .... " (well, you get the point).
Well, to make a long story short, I got mad at God. Why did He let it happen? And where WAS He anyway?!?!?
Eventually....my worst nightmare happened....yet, I didn't realize it. But......
I became exactly like my abusers.
All they could ever think about was sex, sex, and sex....until they polluted my mind and all I could ever think about was sex, sex, and sex. I developed an attitude, and girl...I mean an ATTITUDE. I became rebellious. i almost ran away. but now I'm glad I didn't. because I probably would've just died. Or gotten kidnapped...and THEN died.
well, anyways, if you want more details your just going to have to read the book i'm writing. but anyways....
I desperately wanted to fit in. But no matter what sick thing I did to try to accomplish that goal....... it wouldn't work. So I figured it was just me. But the craving to fit in... and the hope that I possibly might, were the only things that kept me going. But what I didn’t know was that it was also the thing that was destroying my life...slowly and quietly, so that maybe, Satan probably thought, I wouldn’t notice.
And I didn’t. At least, not until my friend pointed it out.
My friend and I were talking after school. She said, “You know, Joy, I used to think you were all Christian-y, but now I see...you’re not. You’re not a Christian at all.”
And with that, she walked off, leaving me standing there, mouth gaping open...stunned by her words. She was right. Whatever happened to me being a Christian? I didn’t feel close to God at all like I used to be before all this happened. I had chosen to turn away from Him. I was mad at Him! I slammed the door of my heart against the God of the universe. And He was slowly yet lovingly calling me back.
SO....that was all it took for me to return back to God.....
For about 2 weeks.
Then...I turned back into my old self.
Until next July.
July 19 2010. I remember it as if it were yesterday. That was the day...I had first encountered God. That was the day...God told me He actually loved me. He didn't care what I had done! He still loved me THE SAME!!!! That was why He died on the cross! So that He can forgive us and just lavish us with His extravagent love. It didn't matter if we had murdered. It didn't matter that we had sinned. All that mattered was that His grace and His blood washed that sin away....so we could be FREE!!! haha it's SO good to be free!
Before that day, I thought I had to be perfect to come to God. Nuh-uh! There's NO such thing as perfect people OR as a perfect life! So we can just come as we are; broken and scarred... and lift up our hearts and be changed! be amazed! by a Perfect God. :D
So He changed my thinking around. That night instead of muttering death threats to people and being all depressed and angry...I actually went to bed SINGING. :D Filled with Jesus' love. And....literally....tears were streaming down my face! I could not help it! He was so beautiful!
So......this is around the point where I'm supposed to say, "And I lived happily ever after....the end........" .... Right???
The scars still remained. The lies still echoed through my head...every day. I still was ashamed of Christ. I still was a rebellious, tween-age girl. I still had hate and bitterness in my heart. I still tried to fit in; to measure up. I still believed that I would never be good enough. And I so wanted to be.
One day....I just had enough of it all.
I hated myself. I couldn't stand being alone with myself. I wanted myself to go away. At this point....no, I did not want to kill myself....but I DID hate myself so much that....
I cut myself.
I self-hamed.....I remember I would bang my head...HARD...against doors and walls....I would grow out my fingernails so I could use them to dig them into my skin and rip, and....well, yeah, etc. etc I won't get into details. That was the past anyway. :)
June 30th 2011. That was the day....that God started to heal my heart.
That was the day....where, actually....I gave up. I stopped trying to do things on my own. Instead....I gave everything to God. Suddenly it was like a weight was lifted! haha it was so wonderful! I just cried out to God....literally I was on my knees on the floor....tears streaming down my face I was SO desperate I would do ANYTHING.....and I just cried out for Him to take my burden away......
And He did.
And He started to heal my heart.
Though...not all of it. (at that time)
There was something I had to do first.
I asked a God-loving adult friend for advice on what I should do for my heart to be healed, and the first step she said was to tell a wise adult all my secrets.
Nuh-uh!!!!! I couldn't do that!!!!! Impossible!!!! I just wouldn't!!!!
I would hate it everytime she would bring that up. But...I was so desperate...I would do anything.
So I told my mom that I was so depressed that I cut myself.
I told her that I eventually hated myself SO much.....and wanted myself to just, idk, go AWAY, that I....
I told her that, well, a whole bunch of other things that I'm not going to tell you. ;-)
She helped me get through everything.
And....just two days after attempting to hang myself.......and UPSIDE-DOWN......God told me that I was too special to let those kind of things (self-harm and suicide) happen to me. That's why He saved me that one day, october 6.
During Yom Kippur, Jesus healed my heart. Completely. He amazed me. He showed me how beautiful He is!!!! And He showed me.......how beautiful I was. And He told me....
I was someone worth dying for. I couldn't earn it, I'm WORTH it to Him....the cross has proven it.
He touched my heart. I just broke down in tears because He still loved me!!!! After all that I had done!!!!
And guess what.......
He set me free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never have I attempted suicide again!!!!
Never have I self-harmed again!!!!!
Never have I tried to kill another human being!!!!
Never have I....well you get the point.
He's......so......beautiful!!!!!!! I love Him!!!! And I'm not ashamed to share Him with the world! Now I'm so filled with His love....it spills out to everyone else!!!!!!
And guess what......when I asked Him where He was during that hard part of my life...... you know what He said?
When I cried....He cried too. When my heart broke....His did too. When my feelings were damaged, like, severely, so were His. He was right there! Holding me in His arms. Whispering into my ears that it was going to be alright....
Only....I didn't hear Him at first. Because His voice was so quiet. And He makes it quiet for a reason you know, so that in order to hear it, you have to stop everything you're doing....get rid of all distractions....and simply....LISTEN. And you WILL hear it. It's so beautiful and wonderful. :) I love it.
Anyways, it's past one thirty a.m., I should be getting to bed, this was a SUPER long article I'm sorry!!!!! I'm going to just cut it short because it's getting late. Yawn. It's just my first post so I thought I'd share a little about me....
Anyways, goodnight everyone!!!!
You're someone worth DYING FOR!!!!!
ursomeoneworthdying4 13-15, F 3 Responses 0 Oct 29, 2011