The Horrible Experiance And The First Time I Actually Told People What Happened In Detail

Ok so honestly I am kinda scared about all of this, So I was so happy when I was in school and then the ending of 7th grade I just turned 13 and I was on vacation for Christmas. Every year we go over to my grandma's house for Christmas Eve and Christmas day we stopped going over there right when I turned 17 For a couple of reason.... Anyway on December 24th Christmas EVE I got sick so I went to go lay down in this room they called the TV room and UM... My uncle came in and forced me to sit up and then I went ot go out to the living room where my grandpa was to sit or lay out there with him but he pulled my arm and made me lay on his stomach and this guy is not skinny he was alot bigger then me and he started rubbing my stomach and he kept going down further and further he reached inside my pants and started to rubb and then he started to finger me and he told me to keep my legs bent cuz it makes it easier i kept telling him to stop I was in tears and then he stopped but not for that long his hand was still in my pants and he was still holding me down with his arm so I couldnt move the whole time I was yelling for him to stop but he wouldnt but he scooted forward telling me that it would be easier and more comfortable I was in so much pain He kept Whispering to me and asking if I liked it and if I wanted more the whole time I was saying NO NO STOP STOP but he didnt.


Then he took my hand and moved it and put it on his **** and then he unzipped his pants and tried to stick my hand in his pants and I tugged away and he pulled it back it scared me I was in tears I wanted it to stop so bad I tried so hard to get up and leave but he wouldnt let me he kept going and telling me that this will be our little secret and then he leaned over and started to kiss me then he went and tried to french kiss me and at the same time he took his other hand and started to squeeze my boobs No one was around but my grandpa and he was on oxygen I didn't know what else to do about it i felt like I froze up I tried my hardest to get away from him when they got home my little cousin came in the room and my uncle covered his hand with a pillow and countinued he did it for about two or three hours and he finally stopped.

I mean I waited until my sophmore year of high school and I was 16 when I finally told someone about what happened to me but I never gave any details about it I didn't know how to tell people what happened and I ended up telling people on December 6th which happened to be my birthday so what a nice birthday right the school contacted the social worker she came to my school and talked to me I was afraid to talk to her thinking that he was hoing to come and hurt me if I told so I didnt but I contacted her a month later telling her I was ready to talk about and we went to this yellow house and they taped what I said and that was pretty much all of what happened we did go to court I choked and didnt want to go through with it anymore I was in tears and I never told my mom the social worker told my mom that he assulted me and that if she didnt stop going over there then I would end up in foster care. Ever since then my mom kept telling me that it was my fault I deserved I pushed her family away and that I should have kept my mouth shut..


In the end is it really my fault? I wander I mean I have been told that for a while so I might actually be starting to think it I mean I get flash backs like its all happening over and over again will ever get past this? Will I ever be able to move on with my life? who will I become? How do I become what I want to become? Will I ever be able to get out of the past and move on from it and just move to the future I don't know how I'm hurting so bad about it still I mean people have there own way of coping with there problems I guess I just haven't found the right way to cope my life I have been finding the wrong way to deal with this like school ditching, fighting, back talking to the teachers just never doing my best in school or outside of school hanging with people that are into shop lifting and drugs and drinking Am i really a screw up I am not that person I am still searching for coping strategy I mean I do write about how I am feeling.

Ya I also ended up in the hospital my junior year for suicidal thoughts I didn't handle things as well as other people handle them but I know suicide is not the answer and no one should consider it but for me it was just easier to think of way of dieing then actually thinking about all the assults I have been through there was one more time but by a different person I do need help majorly I have been talking to someone on my dads side that doesnt know the Uncle that did that to me and she is all sittting her telling me to consider looking into a group for sexual assult people thats been through that I guess I just didn't know where to look or how much it will cost since nothing in this world is free anymore.. I was in counseling but my therapist wasnt very good she never called me back like this one time I had to work and I called to reschedual she never called me back so I never went back I just don't know what to do I am always upset know and can never get over it and just put a smile on my face again it hurts to much to smile it feels like i'm not aloud to be happy anymore what is up with that ..
 
Tinker100 Tinker100
18-21, F
5 Responses Jul 13, 2010

It is absolutely NOT your fault! That seems to be the most common thing for people to say to sexually abused victims. You did not provoke this. You were just trying to relax and he came in. You did everything you could have done! I"m proud that you stood up for whats right.

im sorry for wat u went tru but i know how it feels to be hopeless. i been tru that before but thank god i never got raped. im here for u my myspace and facebook is veronica_aidamil14@yahoo.com and my yahoo is veronica_aidamil@yahoo.com

hey i am very sorry to hear that you had this happen to you.i hope you are ok & that you find a way to pull though this.<br />
i'm not going to lie.....it is something that will effect you & stay with you for the rest of your life.it doesn't just go away.<br />
you are very brave & very strong.you have made it this far & believe me there alot of people who haven't.<br />
i know its hard.if you ever need a friend to talk to & listen,feel free to add me.i'll be a your friend.<br />
take care of yourself<br />
my best wishes<br />
sweetiepie

You sound like a beautiful person. I pray that God looks over you and helps you find solutions to your emotional pains. I hope you find someone to help you through this.

omg hun, u r so strong to come out about that. u did the right thing, and ya sucide so isnt the answer hun