I Am A Male Sex Abuse Survivor

I used to share a bedroom with my older brother,i was 5 and he was 13 and he used to sexualy abuse me everynight.
When i did what he wanted to me, i used to just stay in bed with fear,for he told me if i ever told anyone about what he was doing to me i would be taken away, as no one would believe what i was saying.
I did try and tell my mother about it when i was about 7 or 8,but i was not believed and infact i was beaten for telling a lie about my brother,i used to just want my life to end,and for the pain and hurt that i was feeling to just go away,i used to dread it when he came in to bed at night for i knew what he would do to me.
This went on untill i was 11,and i finaly found the strength to tell him,that if he ever did it to me again i would not tell anyone in our family,but that i would tell the police what he was doing to me,he did stop it eventualy,and i as glad that he did.
When i got married 23yrs ago my wife wonderd why i did not have him at our wedding,i have never let him see any of my children and it took me 18yrs of married life before i was able to tell her,about what he did to me as a child,she has been very supportave and for that i am truly glad.
As a father of one boy and two girls,and now a grandson,if any of them ever tell me that anyone had touched them i would trust what they were telling me,and would have no hesitation to call in the police,for 40yrs after it first started i still have nightmares about what he did to me,for when you are abused as a child,it is not over when it stops,for you are given a life sentance of what was done to you and no sentance that is given to the abuser ever takes the pain away.
There are still times when i get very depressed and suicidal about what was done to me,,and i cant get close enough to anyone to tell it all.

bearsdenguy bearsdenguy
46-50, M
4 Responses Jul 22, 2010

U r a strong person n a wonderful parent no doubt.
Cuming from a girl, it mite sound strange but, I have always found guys more reluctant to speak out of such matters n refusing abut what happened to them,'coz of which male sexual abuse doesn't comes to lite as much as girls (thou both r in the fear of getting abused equally). They r more ashamed of the matter, fearful tat they wud b made fun of or laughed at ('coz of people's wrong belief tat weak boys only have to endure it)Thus, forcing them to keep their mouth shut.
But m so very happy to read ur account n know tat u showed the courage to speak up. I just hope tat this will help the other male surviovor to not kip their feeling bottled up n open up.
Afterall, the one who shud b ashamed is the one who does all this. N they r actually the weak ones. There is no bigger sin than to take adavntage of a innocent kid. It's just unforgivable!! I respect u that u came forward. N hope tat this account of urs help other boys. Don't feel down. It was not ur fault. U can always seek help from those who care abut u n m sure they will understand u n support u. Take care!!

To me Family is the most important thing I know my Family would not do that sort of think .I cannot understand how this kind of thing can happen. How ever I have been afected by it. My X wife was abused as a child .Our sex life was a non starter. I do not think we ever kissed. It was only after we split up that one wet night that the hole story came out .When she was only 5 her mums brother was looking after her and he started to touch her in ways she bid understand this went on till she was 10 or 11 when he started doing more it was there seceret .A short time after that she started to under stand what had been going on. The one thing that gets to her was that for a time she let him. Once she knew what he was doing she tryed to stop him. he started to hurt her. Then he died in a car crash and it was all over.Only it was not over. like you said is like a life sentance. I tryed to help but was out of my depth with this. In time she found some one how did under stand and they marred this year after living together for a long time. She wishes she had a family but with one thing and another that did not happen for her .I hope there is a god and her abuser is now paying for his sins. but one thing I did find out was it is not your fault

Like you i was abused by my older brother until i was 15. The abuse started when i was 11 and continued until he left home. The hardest part for me to accept is that at some point i just gave up and just let him get it over with it. It became routine for me to just go to his bed at night instead of my own. I have been seeing a therapist for 6 years now since i was 18. I have been sectioned twice for my own safety and have a great many mental problem. Seeing a therapist has really help me and kept me alive when i am feeling at my lowest. When i finally told my parents they rallied around my brother defending him against all of my supposed lies. That led to my first suicide attempt when i was 21 with acohol and drugs, then again at 22 when the police told me they were dropping the investigation against my brother be cause of lack of evidence. My family disowned me completely and continued to support my brother who i guess had his own demons to live with. He committed suicide this year in January leaving a note for my parents. I never read the note but was told of its contents. My parents have since tried getting in contact with me but honestly i want nothing more to do with them. I was beginning to sort my life out to some extent but my brother's suicide hurt just as much as the abuse because now i can never confront him. My therapist keeps me sane and helps me alot and i think i have many more years of therapy to go. I am 24 for me it has only been 9 years since the physical aspects of the abuse stopped. The mental side stilled has a long road, For you it has been 40 years and more then any life sentence that the abuser would have to endure. I Am so glad you eventually told your wife and i sense that was of great comfort to you. I would still advised you to seek help though because you are still living with the memories although they will always be there you do need an outlet of some kind. Talking has helped keep me living although it is hard and on two occasisions i have nearly ended my life. I lived my life one day at a time and the road i travel on does not seem to get shorter but it does changed. It is no longer a deserted road, bare and barren. There are people on my road, flowers at the roadside, the sun is shining and the days get better. I am learning to let love into my life and to express it.<br />
As such my love goes out to you and your family.<br />

I am so sorry for what happened to you. Thank you for having the courage to speak out. That takes courage. You are a strong surivior.