The Worst I Have Ever Felt.

It was only a week ago that i had my first abuse flashback, since then i've been going to therapy, my psychologist suggested an "easy" and quick technique called Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) , which i feel is like hipnosis ... (it totally isn't).

The rate im remembering all the **** that was done to me is incredibly fast and painful, however i have been able to put some pieces of the puzzle together.

I know that i have been abused and possibly raped in several occasions during my life by people that was close to me. The first experience was when i was approximately 2 or 3 years old and it was my mothers father (a monster who doesn't deserve being called a grandfather) who did it by drugging me with cough candies that possibly contained codeine.

I can identify another time that i was drugged by someone that looks live a vampire an he sits me on a chair and hurts me all over.

I have also had dreams where i am chasing several people and i kill a couple of them, and i know that all those people represent all the times a have been abused.

I had never felt worse. And i had never felt this happy either.

It has been a rough time but i know that it will get worse and that it will also get better however i am veery afraid and i don't know how to go on, finding out who hurt me is destroying almost everything that i know ... i feel so little.
magmariel magmariel
1 Response May 6, 2012

Catharsis is hard; try to keep in mind that "The Worst I Have Ever Felt" was back THEN, and that what you feel now is only a memory of that. Those emotional and physical sensations that you feel during the flashbacks are coming forward for you to sort out now that you are finally able to, and once you have your life will begin to get better than it has ever been, I'm sure. I wish you every success and happiness, Mariel.