He Drugged And Raped Me.

This is my story:

I have always been a very positive person, however i have always battled with depression, i never understood why, until now. Some weeks ago i remembered things that had been locked up for almost 20 years.

When I was two years old my grandfather asked me if i wanted some candies, and took me to his room because that is where he had them, i just remember eating the candies and feeling drowsy and falling in the flor, the next thing i know he is performing oral sex on me, my hands are tied and i cant move my body. That is all i know from the first time i was abused.

I remember another time. I was 5 years old. All i know is that i am sitting in a chair, in a dark room, i do not recognize the person that is talking to me but i know he is laughing at me because he drugged me and i cant move, i can feel his **** iside my mouth, it is so disgusting, he can't get a hard on.

Next thing that happend i cant remember, i was so drugged. However i can feel it, i can feel him pinching my legs and opening them, i can feel him hurting my body y feel the pain in my pelvis, and then i'm on the flor and he's angry "look at what you made me do" "it is all your fault".

I was so confused, how could i have done anything wrong if i couldn't move?, my hands and legs where tied and he started to kick me on the back while screaming at me, i don't remember crying, i just remember pain.

Then i died, that is the only way i can describe it, i died and my body was soulless, i can feel him trying to bring me back, hitting me on the chest so i start breathing again, and i did. That is what saved me, my mind turned of and i was unresponsive, that is how i survived child abuse.

Some days are better than others, sometimes i just want to disappear, sometimes i just feel random pain in my body, but must of the time i'm just helplessly sad.

I just wonder -- why would anyone do that to a child? -- why did he hurt me? i didn't do anything to him, to neither of them , i don't deserve this, this people are monsters, i hate them, they have made me feel so little, so stupid, so sad my whole life, and now i have to deal with the consequences of their stupid actions.

Abuse is not a game, it is a shadow of evil cast to your existence, it is putting chains on someone who didn't ask for them, i am a child abuse survivor and i hate it, i am never going to be a normal happy person because of these people that hurt me, however i am light and i am strong and i'm never going to stop trying.
magmariel magmariel
1 Response May 10, 2012

Don't concern yourself about "normal"—it is just a collection of averages. You can find happiness, though, I promise you that. There will always be some consequence of being abused, but normal people deal with consequences of their childhood circumstances, too, and overcoming adversity is a part of finding the joy of life, even for "normal" people.<br />
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It takes a lot of time and hard work, and I found it grueling—often scary and frustrating—its worth the effort, and I would never go back to depression, nightmares, and panic-attacks; life is good.