I Was 13, He Was.. Old. And A Drunk. And A Neighbor.

I was 13 with no sexual experience whatsoever. I was young, and naive, and unexperienced in many things in life. I grew up fast, but not by choice. He was an old neighbor, in every sense of the word. His age, and his location. Though he still resides in the same place, I do not, thankfully. I remember the day like it was yesterday. He was drinking of course, had beer cans scattered through his yard, sitting quietly on his bench watching all us kids play. It didn't strike me as odd then, but looking back, I see how creepy it really was. The other adults in the neighborhood just told us to leave him alone, he wasn't a threat, just liked his booze. I, like most kids, didn't heed my parents advice and went over to him after he called for me. What was I supposed to do anyway, when an adult addresses you, you respond. I walked over, he talked to me very nicely. He told me if I picked up all the empty cans in his yard, he'd pay me $20. That was a huge amount of money for just picking up some stupid cans, so I agreed. He told me he'd get a bag and I could start right then. I did, and he paid me like he promised, and that was that. I was thrilled, such an easy way to make some money and he earned my trust. He told me before I left to come back the following day, he had some household chores, painting, and picking up he needed done, and I was a good worker, he had no problem paying me. I kept it a secret, for fear that I wouldn't be allowed to go back, and that I'd be in trouble for going over there when I was told not to. The next day, I went over again, and he invited me inside. I went without hesitation. He started explaining what he wanted done, and asked if I could start painting his walls for him. I told him I never painted a room before, but I'd give it a try. He said good. He started walking towards me, I thought to show me some other part of his house, but he stopped right in front of me. He grabbed my face and made me kiss him. I'd never kissed anyone before so I had no idea what to do or what to expect. I didn't respond at all. I was drowning in the aroma of alcohol and sweat seeping from his neck and chest, his breath suffocating me with foul beer and eagerness. I couldn't move. He tried forcing his tongue between my lips but I held my mouth shut tightly. He finally released my head from his grasp, and looked at me with a small grin. I stood there, staring at him, paralyzed and shocked. He put his hands on my chest and starting grabbing my breasts. I still couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, it just felt like time was stopped and it wasn't reality. I just prayed he would stop and let me go home. I just wanted to go home. His fumbling fingers groped at me for what seemed like forever through my shirt and sweatshirt. Even through all those layers, it still felt like he was touching every inch of my bare skin. My skin crawled, I felt sick and really thought I would throw up right there. He finally stopped, releasing me from his grip and walked away so casually I wondered if I had imagined the whole ordeal. He went to his kitchen, got out some money and handed it to me. He asked me to come back the next day and start painting. I shoved the money into my pocket and left, in a trance. I still feel the quilt of it all. Is this what he had in mind all along? Was he expecting me to do more than pick up and paint in exchange for his dirty money? Maybe in my age, inexperience and naivity, I missed the real question he was asking and assumed innocently it was just cleaning and painting. Needless to say I never went back and the subject was never brought up again. I never told my parents, or any other adults in my community what had happened. I was ashamed, and I was afraid I'd be in trouble. I still live with that guilt, and now, I have 4 children of my own, 2 daughters. They're still young, but I'm paranoid when any man looks at them for longer than what I deem appropriate. I hate thinking this way, most men are innocent in their thoughts and actions. I am overly protective of my children. This one experience has changed who I am and made me see the ugliness in people. Since that day, I've had many more experiences, bad situations and forced sexual encounters happen in life. I wonder if that had never happened, if the sequence of events would've been spared. Maybe my thoughts, intuitions and disregard for self worth would have been so different that I wouldn't have ended up in bad places.. I'm working on getting through the quilt and shame of it all, but it's a hard road. It's so much harder to think about and face than it is to just push it down and try to ignore it. Thanks for hearing me out..
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1 Response May 22, 2012

im sorry tthat u have been through that but for being over protective mother ,its ur right to be and believe me most of ppl r not innocent as they look