I'm Not Sure What It Is

I am a person that gives freely. When people give me something, I will always try to give twice as much back. I am emotional and caring. It is in my nature to serve others. I have come to hate this about myself though...
In preschool, I had an incident where I was "attacked" by a 19 year old, who's mom used to look after us at home. I don't remember the physical experience but I do remember the force and the *********** part. This made me scream and his mom came.
My parents were informed, my dad gave him a hiding (I think, I remember something like that) and I was taken for counselling. In later years I started remembering the blanks and realised what happened. I wanted to discuss this with my mom and both times that I have tried I was told that I went for counselling in other words, she didn't understand why I wanted to talk about it.
I didn't do well the first few years of primary school, I had a step-grandfather who would take me for walks and force me to put my hand in his pants every time they came. I don't remember him ever touching me.
Eventually a teacher felt that I showed signs of being abused and called my parents in. For some reason she thought it was my dad. I then was called in and confided in her that it was my grand father. I remember someone coming to the house and giving my parents the news but my dad didn't believe it. He said I was lying. He phoned my step-grandfather who confirmed it. He changed his life and became a christian. It wasn't that easy for me now that the truth was out. I was forced to call him grandpa and to hug and kiss him when I saw him. I remember the day he died, I wasn't even sad and I get sad at even the thought of an animal being slaughtered.
As a married woman, I have never *********** in my life. I don't like touching my husbands genetals and I don't really like sex. I manage to do it for him.
I have no real relationship with my mom either.
Can this really have effected me so much or am I just a sensitive person. Would anybody else have overcome this by now. What will happen if my marriage fails because of this. How do I fix me???
itsbeenlong itsbeenlong
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 6, 2012

You have been wronged

But yo need to share this post with your husband
Let him see how much you care for him
You will have to compensate for sex
By being caring and thoughtful
You will have to go the extra mile
I am sorry