Statutory Rape

I was 12 when he started molesting me. My step dad's nephew. I didn't really care and I was ok with it after a while because I started to like him. He was 20 at the time. It felt good to know that I could have a man in my life to take care of me and feel safe. My dad being an alcoholic I never really felt that way about him. My step cousin made me think I would know what intimacy was for the first time in my life. Then when I was 13 he moved onto dry humping me and *********** on me, I felt good about myself and gross at the same time. We would wrestle around and playing video games together. It felt like I had a best friend.My parents were ok with him being in my room unsupervised because they had no idea and they thought it was perfectly normal for a 21 year old adult to sleep in my room. We hadn't had sex. I had a huge desire to though. We were both scared, me because it would have been my first time and him because he didn't want to get in trouble. We didn't have sex til i was 15. No condom, luckily he didn't have any STDs and I didn't get pregnant. The second time we had sex I was super excited and though he was hesitant I wanted it really bad and bagged him to come to my room again. the third time he said something that bothered me. He said " I love you" as we were having sex. So why did that bother me? because I spent the last 3-1/2 years trying to get him to show that he liked me for more than my body, I even told him how I truly felt about him, and above everything he only told me how he really felt after he got what he wanted and to this day I don't know if he meant it. I never did enjoy having sex with him. It was exciting but I couldn't feel anything. I had an outer body experience when we did and it was like I wasn't even really there. And along with chasing me for 3 years he also had chased other high school and even middle school aged girls. And he had a girlfriend that was batshit crazy. So how could I know if he truly ever felt anything toward me other than sexually aroused. I told my grandma about having sex with him and she told me that she was going to call the cops on him for my sisters sake, and I agreed. He wen to prison for a year and a half and there's a 5 year restraining order on him, that has 2 years left. And I still to this day struggle to let go. Because he imprinted himself on me. That was most of my teenage life dealing with him. I'm 19 now and looking back I wish I had told someone that he was touching me and being inappropriate, because even if he didn't go to jail he would have been kept away from me. Not by my parents though. My dad still visits him and even though he's not allowed to be around kids my parents still take my sisters to see him every once and a while. They think I don't know, because they think my sisters don't know about it. But I told them and now they tell me whenever something is up with my parents and step cousin. I don't know if anyone knows what its like not to get presents on your 16 birthday from your parents because they say they didn't have any money when in reality they let the guy who abused you have most of it. But its quite heart breaking. I didn't try to get back at them but when I got married 6 months ago I didn't invite them to the wedding. Told them I was so busy I forgot to send their invitation in the mail.

But anyway, after all that I did get over him, I did move on, and though I had unhealthy relationships afterwards I did find the love of my life and now no longer care about what he's doing with himself. Just as long as he stays away from my sisters I couldn't care less.
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Jan 8, 2013