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I Have Been Sexually Abused

Please Listen.....Please

By: JamieFelice
Written on February 20th, 2013
When I was 15 I told my mom that her husband had been molesting me for 4 years. She did absolutely nothing. She is even still with him til this day. I am writing this because I just need to get it off my chest and know that someone is listening. I recently brought it up again knowing in my heart that there would be no closure I still sent a lengthy and quite mean text. I told her that I hated her and that she was the reason for all of the hurt and pain that I feel. Of course she did not respond back. I felt the familiar feeling of rejection and not being heard. I haven't heard from her since valentines day when she sent a text that said she loved me. which to me was like a damn slap in the ******* face once again. I never got to tell her that my cousin took my virginity and that I ended up in a string of sexually abusive relationships. How by the age of 9 i was more proficient in sex then most 30 year old's are. How I have nightmares, am afraid of marriage, and having children. I have realized that I fear these things because I don't want them to happen to my child. I am so sad and so afraid of making friends. I ended up doing something sexual with all of them because the last abuser I had used friendship as his way to make me stay. So I don't invite people over or go to anyone's house. I am to terrified to make any real friends. I feel like none of them could ever really understand anyway. I spend most days alone. Even in a room of people at work I am still alone. I don't mingle... at least that way I won't hurt anyone and they can't hurt me. I get sick sometimes for no reason and have anxiety issues. I am extremely paranoid. I think i'm depressed and that I have been for 15 years. I have managed to keep a boyfriend. I figure He must really love me to put up with me. I have been thinking about seeing a shrink just to learn how to deal with the problems I am having so that I don't lose my good guy. I just feel un-loved, un- cared for, dirty, and used by life. I needed to get that off my chest. Thank You for listening.
By: JamieFelice
Age: 26-30 , Female
314 people have read this story

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6 responses
  • shreem75
    shreem75

    Please release the hurt and hate
    It only harms you and the people who actually care about you
    No one else is affected by it
    Start to love yourself

    Mar 6
    1 like
  • infolover
    infolover

    I know its difficult for you but you should not live your life according to your past.
    You need to get out of this negative frame of mind and be more positive.
    I suggest you read "The power of your subconscious mind" by Joseph Murphy.
    Hope this helps. Best of luck. I know you will do well. Hugs :)

    Feb 22
    1 like
  • hylierandom
    hylierandom

    A good therapist with experience treating adults harmed as kids can REALLY make a difference...so go get one, and do not settle for one who's a quack.
    Good ones are out there, but the first one may not be good.

    Feb 21
    1 like
  • JamieFelice
    JamieFelice

    living4now I appreciate your comment and that you took the time too listen to me. My mother is 50 and has had many issues with men. My abusers destroyed my childhood but they won't have my future. I am just trying to heal. I know that it won't be over night but at least I was able to have just one person listen and respond. Thank you so much. I have done all I can to save my family relationships. So I just walked away. It's a lonely life but at least I got someone to share it with. Now I have to get the courage to tell him and when I do. I am sure that he will understand. Hopefully. lol

    Feb 20
    3 likes
    • living4now
      living4now

      My husband never understood. It is a little rift between us. Even after 22 years of being together. It cannot be bridged. He listened, was upset and angry but did not understand. Be very wary of what you tell him. He maybe scared to touch you. Make sure you are truly at peace with yourself before you share with him. Unless of course you know he will be able to handle it. Always remember you are never alone. I am here. Message me anytime. I will always respond. Hugs to you xxxx

      Feb 20
      1 like
  • living4now
    living4now

    You are strong, you are beautiful. I am listening, I hear your words. I can relate to everything you say. I am not yet brave enough to open up and scream for someone to listen. I am close, maybe next week. You can heal, you need to refuse to allow the past to continue to ruin your life. Today you are a woman, stand tall. Take charge. Your abusers destroyed your childhood. DO NOT allow them to destroy the rest of your life. Shout "**** You" and turn your back on the past.

    The fact that your mother is still with an abuser is not your problem. Your mother, like mine is weak, lazy, unwilling to do anything. Deep down she knows you tell the truth but it is easier for her to hide it away. Don't know if she is in the same age bracket as my mum 55-65. I blame the time she grew up in. I have forgiven her weakness, I can't forgive her blind eye or her laziness. I don't believe I will cry or mourn when she dies.

    Always remember, we are alive, we are survivors. We can stand together strong and capable. We will never be hurt again in this way. You are no longer the tiny vulnerable child but a Confident woman.

    The past has made you the feeling, understanding woman you are today. Live for today, never forget yesterday but accept it, look forward to tomorrow for it is a new day, a fresh bright new morning. Be happy for life, for those that love you, for those blessed with your love. Look in the mirror and smile.

    I've prattled on enough now......... You take care x

    Feb 20
    2 likes