The Moment It All Changed

I was 12 and staying with my grandparents.  They had separate rooms and in the morning I climbed into bed with my grandfather for a cup of tea.  I got a lot more than tea.  Looking back I can see that his behaviour with me was always inappropriate and that it was probably inevitable.  At the time I was shocked and scared, it was my first sexual experience and the feelings I had were confusing.

That was the end of my relationship with my grandfather.  Following that he barely came near me, now I'm grateful for that, at the time I couldn't understand what I had done wrong.  Then came the anger, self loathing, comfort eating, self medicating, psycho sexual problems, depression and so the cycle continues.

All these years later and I'm still in that cycle.  I function well, hold down a job, sustain friendships, holiday etc but I don't have intimate relations and life just doesn't seem particularly fulfilling. 

My hope is that one day I will be able to pull myself out of this and open myself up to new experiences and will conquer my fear of intimacy.

loopy210 loopy210
36-40, F
1 Response Feb 10, 2009

I have that same problem. But now, for the first time, I have a boyfriend that actually treats me right. I would chose guys that started out nice but turned mean. He has worked for my trust for almost 3 years, and we only recently started going out. It's so hard for me to say "I love you", it makes me want to cry. But with him, I know he will do everything in his power not to hurt me. I still don't trust people easily and am only now into hugging friends, but working with a therapist and having loving, positive influences around me really helped. I hope you can find that one guy that changes things for you.