Forever Scarred

"I was too ashamed to bring it up again. I just put it away in a steel chest, tied it with bulky iron chains, put a big lock on it and let it sink to the bottom of my soul."                               

 The sun was shining brightly that day high above my aunts neighborhood as I went to play with two girls that lived down the street. Their names were Lora and Kristina. They were a few years older than me. I went to their house to play. The game of the day was hide and seek. I was five. I was still oblivious to the world around me. Some time passed by, and out came Lora's brother. He was in high school. I was five. I hadn't even entered kindergarten yet. I knew him because I had seen him hang around with my first cousin (my aunt's son who is like a brother to me). I thought he was "cool" because he hung out with my cousin, and smoked, and was one of the "big kids". I was in my own simple world at that time full of barbie dolls and candy. I was five. I didn't know. So as we were playing hide and seek, he comes out of the house and suddenly wants to join us in the game. He said he wanted to be on my team. I was thrilled. I was anticipating a victory, and got all pumped up to continue playing with my  new, trustful, cool, team mate. I was ignorant. I was a child. I was only five. He flipped a coin to settle who hides and who seeks. The coin flipped against our favor, and we had to seek. But then he leaned in towards the girls and whispered something to them. I wasn't allowed in on the secret, but figured out what it was about when his face suddenly beamed and said that we were going to hide first. I was ecstatic to have him on my team. I thought he was the coolest guy ever! But I was wrong. I didn't know. I could have never guessed what was to happen next. I was a child. I was only five. We were playing inside the perimeters of their backyard. There was an extended room, that was separate from the house and was used for laundry and ironing and etc... He suggested we hide in there. I followed. I entered the small  room, there was some light coming form the window overlooking the backyard. There was barely any space to move. It was very clustered with baskets piled up, tables, clothes scattered everywhere, and all kids of stuff was laying around. He shut the door, then locked it from the inside. He reached over the table and shut the blinds of the window. Now it was dark. I knew what came next. We would wait until they would find us. We would wait and stay quiet so they wouldn't hear us. Wait quietly in the small dark room. I didn't know. I would have never guessed. I was a mere child. I was only five years old. This part of my memory is fuzzy. I don't remember how he got me to get on top of the table, because i remember the window being straight above it, and i remember arguing with him that i would be spotted through the cracks in the old blinds and the game would be over. I obviously must have given in to his sly, comforting words because i did what he said. There was a clean towel on the table where he made me sit down on, as if to make it more comfortable. My fragile long legs were dangling on the side of the table. He began unzipping his pants. I became extremely confused. What was he going to do? I questioned myself without the slightest thought of the danger my life was in. I trusted him. He was older than me. He was my cousin's friend. He knew more than me. Why shouldn't I trust him? So when he started pulling down my shorts, I was still confused. What the hell was he doing? I was more afraid for someone coming in and finding us both butt naked than for what was happening...about to happen. I didn't know what he was doing. I didn't know. I was unable to comprehend what was going on. I trusted him. I was only a kid. I was just five f***ing years old. He was calm. He spread my legs which were still dangling helplessly over the edge of the table, and lay gently on top of me. He saw my shocked reaction and comforted me with, "It's OK, me and my sis Lora do this all the time. You have nothing to worry about, just relax." It was a few years later that I came to fully understand what he had just told me. At the time I was just too shocked to do anything. I just lay there as he took my zombie state into full advantage and satisfied his sick, perverted, child molesting fantasies on me. On ME! A FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD!! He became the boogieman in the dark room. The boogieman who would come back and haunt me throughout my entire childhood. He destroyed my childhood. He took away my innocence. But he didn't stop there. He is still eating away at me now, inside me, little by little as the days slowly pass by. Torture. I should have crushed his balls when i had the chance. After he was finished he told me to tell no one and then he let me go. I pulled my shorts up awkwardly and just walked out of their house with my head down without saying a word. I was too ashamed. What i did know was that the sick feeling i had in my stomach was telling me that what had happened was extremely wrong. I became a five year old victim of sexual abuse that day. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I found the courage to tell my mom. I remember we were waiting on the porch outside my grandmothers house, waiting for her to come back from the store and let us in her house. My mother was holding my baby brother in her arms. I started telling her what had happened, and to my surprise she started crying. I still didn't understand what had happened. When i finished telling her, she said that she was going to talk to his parents and his parents would punish him for what he did to me. That is all she said before she started bawling again until my grandmother arrived. She never explained to me what had happened to me. She never told me the reason behind her tears. Why was she crying? Why didn't she explain to me what happened??? She didn't say anything. I still didn't know. I was still oblivious. I knew what happened was wrong. I knew he did something bad, because he was the one going to get punished, not I. But why? No one explained to me. I never mentioned it again after that day. I didn't ask what was going to happen to him, what was his punishment, how severe, who else knew, etc.....? I was too ashamed to bring it up again. I just put it away in a steel chest, tied it with bulky iron chains, put a big lock on it and let it sink to the bottom of my soul. What i didn't realize was that the chest was leaking its poison into my soul. I was in pain while growing up. It wasn't drastic, it was manageable. I have a nice family and great support from them, (maybe that's why it wasn't too traumatic for me) but never had any support for this subject. I had to deal with this alone. So, I had my ways of masking my pain, even if it was for a brief moment, but it was enough to get me past what i was feeling and help me live my life. I don't cut myself. I'm not an alcoholic and i have never used drugs. I wont explain how i dealt with my pain because it embarrasses me even to this day. I know my user-name is fake, and my identity is unknown, but i am not ready to reveal that part of my experience even under these practical conditions. I'm 18 now. That happened 13 years ago. I still remember it as if it was yesterday, that is how much impact it has had in my life. I decided that i don't want to deal with this alone anymore. I'm afraid that the chest will release enough poison to suffocate my heart one day. I don't want that to happen. I have goals. I have dreams. I have a family that loves me. And i don't want "the boogieman" to haunt me anymore. I don't want to have that memory make me suffer any longer. I just don't know how to let it go.

Linda423 Linda423
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 26, 2009

I'm so sorry about happened to you I hope sharing your story is a help to you.