My Story

When I was a little girl, my dad loved me very much.  He loved me so much that he used to come check on me at night.  But something was wrong.  Why didn't I like what he was doing?  He stroked my hair and rubbed my back and whispered in my ear about how much he loved me.  Sometimes he would lie on top of me in the midst of his affection.

Deep inside, I knew that what he was doing was not quite right, and I felt shameful and scared.  I got confused about sex.  Was it bad or was it good?  All the messages I got were conflicting.

As I grew, I tried to make my own decisions about sex and about what had been going on with Dad.  I decided sex was what bad girls did, and Dad was drinking so he didn't know what he was doing.  I also decided NO ONE should ever know what I thought or what had happened, because it meant that I was somehow deficient.  I should have been able to stop it if I didn't like it, and I did things (like locking the door and pretending the doorknob was just loose and slipped, thereby locking accidentally) to try to divert him.

My sister spoke out several years ago, saying that she believed she had been sexually abused.  My mom told me about that.  At the time, I didn't know what to make of that.  In my heart of hearts, I resonated with it.  But I wasn't ready to acknowledge it.

And I also wasn't ready to believe it had happened to my baby sister too.

On the cusp of my 30th birthday, I regret the years I spent hiding in fear, walking wounded.  I have put most of the blamefor the betrayal  I feel on my first serious boyfriend, although it's not really all his fault.  It's just that it was easier to blame him than to admit that the person who was supposed to feed me and care for me abused and betrayed me first.

I have distrusted or hated most men my entire adult life, chalking it all up to being used by a man I dated in my adolescence.

And after all this has come to the surface, I now have a choice:

Continue to walk my path in fear and avoidance, choosing to be alone...

Or...

Acknowledge my hurt, work on it, heal it, and try to trust.

I choose Life, whether it hurts or not, whether it holds happiness or not.

It is mine, and it is the only one I have.

pandora1999 pandora1999
31-35, F
2 Responses Aug 15, 2007

thanks, guys............... every time i hear affirmations, it helps. namaste!

I am so sorry. You know that choosing life will be one of the hardest decisions you could ever make, but also the best.