Love, You Asked, I Will Try to Explain.

".......but I am quite concerned and I really want you to think deep about that thing that scares you,I wanna know it and I want you to please give me the sincere answer to WHY,what scares you.How can I possibly make you happy,how can I if I scare you at the same time,I don't understand."

 

 I stand by my first explanation, but I believe you will require more detail, and that is what I thought about today.  How do I explain so that you can understand?  I am going to take you into this, though it has NEVER been my intention to talk about some of this in email, in chat, or even on a phone.  I prefer that you be sitting right here next to me, so I can see your face and you can see mine.   But you have asked the question, and to be fair, it's a very valid question and I WILL answer it to the best of my ability.

Trust.  It's what a child feels for his parents, right from the beginning, right?  Baby cries, mommy and daddy are right there to take care of everything.  ******, my parents separated when I was 6 months old.  My dad tried to kill my mom, and my mom got out.  My dad has been a violent man for as long as I can remember, he tried twice to kill me, the second time he damn near succeeded.  That's when I got out.  I was 15.  The one man, the first man, in a girls, or any child's life is their father...... the man I should have been able to trust most of all in this world.  Instead, I spent my life trying to protect myself from him.  To this very day I find myself protecting my children from him.   

When I was 3, and my youngest brother was 4, my mom worked full time.  My mom's sister used to take care of us during the day.  Sometimes my aunt would leave us home with her youngest son.  He was 18 at that time. ******, I don't want to go here, and I always cry when I think about this, let alone try to explain it to ANYONE.  What ***** did to my brother and I... was so vile and unimaginable, and yet, I have such vivid pictures of it in my mind. I will NEVER be able to erase those images, I can only store them away and know that I don't ever have be in that place in time, not ever again.   He would lock me in one room, and my brother in a different room.  He would then take our clothes away and rub himself all over me.  I was THREE for God's sake!  A small child!!  He would ********* all over me, inside me, everywhere, that's what I remember thinking...... it's EVERYWHERE!  GOD PLEASE LET THIS BE OVER, GOD PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE, GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!  WHY ME?  WHY ME, GOD, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?  I PROMISE TO BE A GOOD GIRL, PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP!  And eventually he would.... he would lock me in that room, but I knew he was only going to where my brother was.  And there was always next time. I was a little girl, ******, I don't know how long this all went on, for a while.

 

 One day, I don't know why.......... maybe because God really did hear my cries for help, but I got the courage to tell my mom.  I told her everything.  She called me a liar.... over and over again.  I remember yelling at her, screaming at her, I AM NOT A LIAR, ASK MY BROTHER, HE HURT ******* TOO!  She didn't believe me, but she did believe him.  From that day forward, ***** disappeared from our lives.  Mom would only say, and I quote, "Well, Sis, he was only playing."  

 

I was in my 30's before I had enough confidence to tell my mother, "NO, he was NOT playing, he raped and molested both me and *******, and I NEVER want to hear you say he was 'playing' ever again, not EVER.  What he did was wrong, and it cost me my self confidence and trust of anyone else in this world."  

 

I will answer any questions you have, all of them.  I will tell you anything you want to know.  


I did not learn LOVE or TRUST from my family.  I learned them from GOD!  Every single day of my life I make sure that my children know what both love and trust are......... because their MOTHER showed it to them!  I promised myself, so many years ago, that my children would never know any of the things I did in my childhood.  And they have not.  By God's grace and will......... my children know that their mother is kind, loving, giving, and in fact, it's easy to take advantage of me.  My children actually feel compelled to be protective towards me because I am often too kind and giving.  


How can I love you this much and still be scared?  At first, scared that you might not be the person I thought you were.  Then, as time went on, scared to let myself believe you are real.  But now... all these months later......... as my love grows, the fears are slowly subsiding.  You are real, you won't leave me here and disappear.  You really are my gift from God.  I am sure you don't believe that, but I do.

 You are kind, you are gentle, you are loving, you are honest, and you aren't afraid to share emotions with me.     You do make me happy, more happy than you will ever know.  Happy because you love me, and you let me love you.  Happier because I do feel confident giving you my trust.   

I did NOT tell you any of this to make you cry or be upset.  Do you understand that?  I told you because you need to know how you can make me happy and how I can feel scared at the same time.  It is not YOU that scares me, it's me..... I don't ever want to hurt you.  I have learned to trust you, and to me, that is SO WONDERFUL.     I am happy because I LOVE YOU, and I TRUST YOU, and whatever fears I have had over the years, they are just slowly going away, day by day.  And do you know why?  Because you love me.  You are so kind and gentle with me.  You share the part of yourself.... with me.... that I need the most.  You share your tears, your smiles, your happiness, you share your heart and soul with me.         

nightowlinak nightowlinak
41-45, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2009

"Revenge is mine." sayeth the Lord.<br />
Forget about the abuser, God will take care of that matter.<br />
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Love your brother, and be someone he can talk to and find his self confidence and self worth. Help him to understand that what happened to him was NOT his fault. He was abused by a mentally ill psycho, and although it's a painful and horrific experience, there are people out there he can reach out to and get the help he needs to find peace within himself. It's possible.

THATS SO SAD IM 18YERAS OLD MY LIL BROTHER WHOS NOW 16 WASSEXUALLY ABUSE WEN HE WAS 11 HE NEVER TOLD US BUT HE DID SO MANY WEIRD STUFF AT THAT TIME I WAS 14 DIDNT PAY ATTENTION TO HIM I HATE MY SELF FOR THAT HE JUST CONFESS TO ME LIKE 2YEARS AGO THAT THIS GUY THAT WE KW HAD SEXUALY ABUSED HIM IS SO HARD FOR ME MY LIFE HAS CHANGE ALOT WITH MY HUSBEND HIS GREAT BUT IM NOT ABLE TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM WITHOUT THINKING WAT MY BROTHER WNT TRU I HAVE TO BABY GURLS I DONT WANT TO HAVE BOYS.... IM JUST WAITING FOR MY BABYS TO BE OLDER TO GO TO MEXICO AND PUNISH HIM FOR WAT HE DID I DONT KW HOW TO GET HELP... GOD BLESS U

When I first sent this email, it was very difficult for my love to deal with. It hurt him so much, because he was hurting for the child that I used to be. With time, he has come to understand that I don't live in those moments, they are simply a part of my past, and what shaped the person I am today. <br />
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It took me a long time to write that email, to find words that could accurately describe the situation and still stay within my safety and comfort zone. And I was looking for a way to not horrify my love either. A difficult task at best.<br />
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Does it help to write all this stuff out? No, not really. But if it helps someone else out there, then it is worth my effort.<br />
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Thank you jp5040 for reading and understanding the healing that happens if you open your heart.