Feeling Like A Freak

From ages 7 years to about 19 or 20 years, I was sexually harassed by my older brother. I told my mom about it five years ago, but I think she blocked it out, and she totally forgot about it when I brought it up again just a few days after my 23 birthday when I was out with my friends, my brother, and his friends, and they all got drunk, and bad things happened at the apartment later that night. She confronted my brother about it, and of course he feels awful about it; he hates himself.

I told him I forgave him, and my mom only forgave him because I forgave him, but I don't know if I'm only forgiving him so my mom won't be upset, so my family won't be broken, because of me and my problems.

My brother is a *****, a ****, he's always going around having sex with a bunch of woman and telling me about it. I hate it, and he tells me that I'm weird and I need to go out and have sexual experiences, because it's weird that I'm 25 years old and still a virgin. But I can't trust anyone. I don't want to let anyone touch me unless I know that we're both in love with each, and we care for each other and that it's not just lust. And I'm feeling really bad that I haven't had any experiences, I feel like a freak and I don't know what to do. I have a problem telling people how I really feel about them. I had to write my dad a letter about how I hated him because of how he abused my brother, my mother, and I while growing up. I can't talk to a counselor about any of this, because if I can't open up to my friends, or barely my mother, then how the hell am I supposed to open up to a stranger? I don't know what to do... I hate myself. I don't know what to do, or what I might do.
eford5 eford5
Jan 7, 2013