I Didn't Even Know It Was Happening....

The thing is, as a kid, I had a crush on my cousin growing up. But it was just a silly crush, admiring him from afar and of course from time to time wishing he wasn't my cousin at all. That was me when I was a kid. Growing up as a teen however, I started to realize how wrong it was to even like your very own cousin in the first place, so instead I treated him as a brother. I was some times more open to him and his sister, since my brother was always away for work. We three would always go out and have fun, just us cousins. What I didn't notice was, the lingering looks, the flirty/sexual comments and the long lingering hugs and kisses on the cheek was already a sign. I didn't pay much attention about it much. I thought it was fine till then, but that was my mistake. I grew up studying in an all girl school, so I wasn't really sure how guys should treat me in the first place. I didn't know at that time everything he was doing was wrong. At one point at a sleepover at their place, he was sleeping beside me (mind you, his sister was in the same room sleeping with us) and he was holding me like a lover would. At first I was shocked and I honestly didn't know what to react. In the end I didn't mind it. After a couple of months, and as soon as I entered a co-ed university and started realizing that the way he was treating me was wrong, I backed away. The thing is...last christmas while we all slept in the living room, he started touching my breasts and my intimate part. I kept pushing him away and he wouldn't stop at all. Thankfully I got away, and when I came back to the living room, he looked at me and even asked if I was okay. And I cried and cried and cried. I know I don't have it as bad as others do, but I honestly feel so dirty after realizing how wrong this is. At first yea it was a kiddy crush and a respect I had for a brother, but I honestly didn't know what was happening. And until now I feel so bad for myself like, I could have stopped it if I knew early on but I didn't. More than anything it scares me now, I hate hearing his name. I hate going near to their place. I just hate everything that has something to do with him. Being taken advantage by someone you trusted practically hurts like hell. Until now, Im still figuring out a way to heal myself. Cuz I really dont know how to........
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 8, 2013