I've been so deeply depressed as though I have lost all hope of anything I thought I wanted life. I feel numb and helpless as though I don't know what the meaning of life is. There are only so many things I can control and there are so many other things that are out of my control to help me at this.

For what I've put up with and had high hopes for so long with many areas in life, it's like I can only put up with it for so long and then crash and fall deep down into a dark trench. I've tried being strong before and not giving up, but maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I'm so alone down there and there aren't many who will really understand me. I become extremely introverted. It's tough for me to genuinely enjoy being social again. When I see others laughing and having fun I just don't seem to care anymore.

There are some people that add to my depression and just aren't helping. They are just hard to get rid of, or cannot and will not change to make me feel less depressed because they just don't give a **** or they won't ever get it from my end. This emptiness is eating me alive. I know it may sound a bit selfish but it's like another person inside me has gotten ahold of my spirit. All these other voices telling me things, it's hard to get them to go away. I've sought out therapy before but they just don't seem to see things from this end to relate to these struggles.

When I find out the harsh truth about other people who I thought cared, it hurts because all I can do is accept it. In public when I laugh and smile, deep down I'm still crying. Other times I lie in bed and hide under the blankets with tears running down my face to shut out the world. Under my blanket seems to be the closest place I have to being some kind of refuge. People have tried to make me feel better but it just seems to backfire. Maybe it's the people and experiences in life that have done this to affect me this way.
gongetit121 gongetit121
31-35, F
Aug 23, 2014