The Never Ending Cycle

My boyfriend and I were dating for three years. During these three years we would break up on and off for many reasons. Most of the time I found things out. An old friend of mine forwarded me an email he had written her about how much he didnt like me and I was bothering him and he wanted to break up with me. I showed him what i found and he cried and begged me to take him back. I did.

A while later a friend told me that a girl from our school had told her that this guy was flirting with her and wanted to hang out...and he said he was single. He wasn't. When i questioned him about it, he got mad at ME. He said he told her that one day after we had a fight and he thought we really were broken up. So I stayed wit him

Later on, I heard from his friend that he had a myspace. I thought, "Great! I'll add him." But I found tons of girls on in space and his comments to them saying things like "Why do you have to be so tempting? Oh, nice legs too" But he said it was his friend who posted that. Of course i believed him. I also believed him when he said the rumor going around was that he asked another girl from my school if he could feel her boobs because mine were too small and he didnt like them. 

I know i'm an idiot. I know I shouldn't have stayed with him. But we always end up getting back together.

But about a month ago, i just had enough. I have a friend that i like a lot and we had been dating out for a month. During this my ex and I were not together. But after a month ...I ended up called him. stupid i know. We were thinking about getting back together. However, he ended up using me and being very hurtful. I told him I didnt want to be with him.  A week later, I ended up having sex with the guy i had been kind of dating for a month. My ex found out...small town living, it sucks!

Now i feel like I cheated. I know i said I didnt want to get back together so I shoudn't feel this way, but i do since we always seem to get back together when I think we're not going to. Plus he told me he still wanted to get back together after I told him I didn't and he thought we would work things out eventually.

So I keep thinking i am in the wrong. Now i feel like i need to call and get back with him so i can make up for what I did.

But i dont regret anything...the other guy makes me feel so much happier than my ex has. But i still feel like i did something wrong and i ruined the whole relationship i had with my ex.

I know he did bad things to me but I feel like those could have been my fault too. Maybe I was a bad girlfriend.

These thoughts are what keep me calling him. I just want to know if what I did was wrong. I feel like it is at times.

However at the same time, i feel like i wouldn't have done that if i hadn't been repeatedly hurt by him over the course of 3 years. I really don't know what to do or think. 

I have been calling him but now he acts like he can say whatever hurtful things he wants to me and I deserve it for what I did. I want to stop calling him...but should I ?

Was it good for me to try and move on...or did I do something worse to him than he has ever done to me?

kwan268 kwan268
18-21, F
2 Responses Jun 19, 2007

I just got out of the exact same thing. And reading your story right now has stopped me from calling my ex......we dated 8 months. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago for him lying to me about getting tested for STI's.<br />
What kind of loser lies about that? He told me he got checked, I believed him at the time.<br />
Anyway, he was with 50 women....he was my first. I will always hold resentment toward that fact...that I lost my virginity to a complete douche bag.<br />
The point is, hold your head up high...and don't look back!<br />
Real love will never make you second guess, and will especially not put your physical and emotional health at risk!!<br />

i think you were tired of being trated badly you owe him nothing,you need to do what is best for you