What Did I Expect?

During my late teens and early 20's I became completely reckless, due to a mental disorder, and had unprotected sex with numerous people, strangers even. I was driving to Hollywood almost every night going to clubs and meeting different guys who go to clubs to find women just like me..drunk with no self-esteem and completely vulnerable. Once I got a DUI I could no longer drive to Hollywood and had a lot of free time to think about my actions. I went to get a routine pap smear and they asked me if I wanted to be tested for HIV. My heart dropped to the floor at that moment because I think I already new the answer. I got tested anyway. A couple of days later my doctors office called me AT WORK and told me I needed to come in to discuss the results of my blood test. The only blood test I got was the HIV test. I had to wait an agonizingly year long weekend until it was Monday and I went into the office. Terrified, they took my blood pressure and heart rate..which was 102. Then they sat me in the room to wait for the doctor. She came in and told me she had horrible news...that I have HIV. In about 4 seconds my life completely changed and I still have not come up with a way to cope.