How To Trust Again

I found out my husband was using (painkillers) when I was 7 months pregnant with our now 3 1/2 year old daughter. It has been a neverending cycle ever since. I am not the same person I used to be. I tried anti-depressants and anti-anxiety....nothing helped. I tried therapy but could never manage to stick with it, because at the time, I thought if he was doing nothing to fix himself, then what is the point. Sometimes it even makes me question whether or not I still love him. I met my husband when i was 15 and am now 28. I have so many plans for our future and so many high hopes for my family and now I am not sure of anything. He's been clean for a few months now but has since started to heavily rely on behavioral medication so he doesn't have the craving to take painkillers. I sometimes think to myself "Is this the way I want to live my life? Is this the man I really want to be with?" I've become so cynical and have withdrawn almost completely from everything I used to be. I don;t know how to move forward or even begin to trust him again. My judgement is so clouded that I don't even know if I have the energy to continue with him. I don't know how to be there and support him anymore. I don't think I have it in me.
NBlaMac NBlaMac
26-30
4 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Hi , I too believe my partner is weak for not quitting. And I can't help but feel he is choosing getting high over our relationship. I know people say it;s a disease and as I used to use herione I do understand that addiction is a massive thing to kick, and that it is really always with you. BUT...to me it is path of least resistance. Getting off is easier than keeping clean. Keeping clean is really really freaking hard, I get that. But I can't help but feel angry and resentful that my partner chooses to get off dispite the damage it causes.
I also hear how you've withdrawn. I feel like I am not me, instead I have just become his supportive partner, everything i do is conscience of his addictions.
Thanks for sharing your story. Strength to you.

I feel like you wrote the words i couldnt say. Thank you for sharing your story.

Oh girl I am SO right there with you! I found out my husband had an issue with pills right after we got engaged. He told me that he quit the pills soon after that and that he would never go back to that place again. Fast forward 2 years.....I am six months pregnant and H breaks his foot bc he is drunk and messing around on my mom's ATV. I warn him.....NO opiates. Well it has been hell ever since. He is on suboxone now, but it might as well just be the oxy. At one point, when our son was an infant, he was giving our neighbor 400.00 a month for pills. I have so very much resentment built up and I feel like everything he says is a LIE. I am here for you!

I just wish I could be done. So many people have told me that I should cut my losses and get out. I never wanted him to go on Suboxone or Methadone because to me, it's not a solution, its a replacement drug. I just wish I could scream out loud that I don't want to live this life anymore! My husband's pill of choice was Percocet 30mg which are $30 a pill here and he was up to about $200 a day. We have been ruined financially. I don't know if the resentment will ever go away and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be the kind of person who could just forgive and forget something like this. I know a lot of people will crucify me for saying this, but in no way do I believe that addiction is a disease. It's a weakness. Your subconscious chooses the drug over everything else and because you can say its a disease, you're off the hook. I'm not buying it. Of course it feels good to get high. That's why its called "getting high"! I have to be held accountable for my actions; why doesn't my husband have to be?

I know exactly how you feel and this is the same way i think! You're not an addict b/c you have a disease, you're an addict b/c you don't have the willpower to say no b/c you can't deal with life. But i can't deal either! It comes down the selfishness. The world begins to revolve around them. Their kids aren't even important enough to get clean. Its insanity!

My husband was in a car accident 3 yrs ago and had back surgery in march. He has been on too many narcotics to name and although he is off some he is still on a few things that are all in the same family as the other meds he was on.
We broke up while i was pregnant and i moved out. After our daughter was born we moved back in together. Our baby is now a toddler pushing 2 & im trying to keep our family together while protecting her as best i can from the effects of his meanness and anger. He doesnt even know what he says hen if i show im sad about him cussing me out he gets more angry and says he didnt even say it, that im the crazy one. I loose my temper now sometimes and give in to the fighting. Although i know i shouldnt something in me refuses to be treated this way. He only admits to an addiction here and there and then nothing changes obviously... I hate that other people deal w this too but im sure glad im not alone

A difficult marriage/relationship definitely can be an obstacle to finding your own peace of mind. I struggled when i was in my own terrible situation, my marriage was unfortunately very dysfunctional. I continue to grow, now that i have been single, and I wish nothing but the best for you in regards to finding yourself, again.