Feeling Miserable

Hi, I fell for my partner 9 years ago. It was a crazy time, we were both indulging in various recreational drugs. We've since aged and appreciate that our bodies and minds don't thrive on drug abuse. My misery is this - my partner is addicted to cigarettes and alcohol. I dont' know if this is unusual but I will describe the situation - He does not drink or smoke during the week, in fact he finds it very unattractive. However come the weekend or any excuse, which may be celebrating Uni finish or birthday or some stress life has thrown him he binges. We might have a bottle or two of wine with dinner, then he will drink and chain smoke until he passes out, literally. Sometimes this only last 24 hours, but more often is will last for a few days. He wakes up then starts again. We had some major arguments about it a few years ago. He knows it is a problem for our relationship because as well as during the binge, the time afterwards when he is sick sux AND ofcourse there is the build up time beforehand, when he is feeling the tension of getting on it but can't yet because of work. During the build up he can get very irriatable and afterwards when he is recovering he gets very needy and insecure.

We don't talk about much now unless I am drunk too. At those times I get very emotional and share my concerns. I worry about him. I mean, this is not normal surely. I worry about his mental health, what makes him what to do this, abuse himself this way. Unsurprisingly these conversations are not productive. When he isn't drinking, we don't talk about it, it's like the honeymoon period and I don't want to upset those happy times.

I'd appreciate other peoples thoughts and comments. Am I expecting too much of him? Is this kind of addiction common? How do other partners cope?

It is effecting my personality. Sometimes he will go for a few weeks and not binge. I support him, I love these times, we feel healthy together and we are super close. But what I'm now noticing is that during these times I avoid any social interactions that involve alcohol. So what is happening is that during these times we don't go out at night, and we don't see any friends because these are situations where we would normally drink. I don't know how much of my life I'm should put on hold, how much is reasonable, but I am feeling at the moment that I have been denying too much of myself because I am starting to resent it and thats not healthy.

1Addy 1Addy
2 Responses Nov 25, 2012

Hi 1Addy - I completely agree with Clodette about talking to him sober, but also very much relate to your feelings about not wanting to spoil the good times. My partner also is able to occasionally go clean for a while and during these times we feel very close, very bonded, healthy and happy - which just makes it more disappointing when he descends back into the addictive behaviours. The advantage I have had with my partner is that I have been able to talk to him openly about how it affects me and he listens and hears me - although recently I have found that the ups and downs are starting to wear me down and I just don't want to bring it up anymore, I find myself avoiding the topic when things are ok because I just want to enjoy the moment without making him feel bad or guilty... but I feel like this is making things worse so I am trying to be more vocal, more honest, more open about it again. It's hard!! I want to be supportive without nagging, loving without limitations, and when he is straight he is the most amazing person I know - so let's try to maybe voice our concerns more easily?? As a friend of mine says, you'll never get what you want if you don't ask for it. All the best.

Hi 1abby, I am sorry you are going through that with your husband, I understand how you feel and how it hurts seeing your partner just going down and not being able to control himself, i dont have a problem with drinking or smoking cigarrettes, its the addictive behavior what is to worry about....I think you may want to have a talk with him sober, even if he doesnt say a thing he can at least hear your, tell him always "i feel..." (Counselor's advice since we cant blame others we can only say hoe they make as feel) also it may be good if you dont drink wit ph him at all since (i know it sucks) you can then say "i want to have a good time with you but drinking never leads to good fun so i rather not be part of it"... Ope you get tot talk to him and hang in there