Love Of My Life

I finely got to marry my childhood cruch... I never thought it would happen.. I left my second husband for him... I have loved thos man well over half my life... Within six months after we were together, he started hanging out with his old friends and acting as if he was nineteen again... He was locked up for nearly ten years and got out a month before we got together... I knew all about his past and just assumed after getting out, the drugs would be a thing of the past... Anyway we have been together since 2008, got married and had a daughter in 2009.. Things have gotten so bad.. We have had more bad times than good.. He is mean and hateful toward me.. Everything is my fault.. My heart hurts for this man so bad.. I have stayed through these three years because I guess a part of me is still the obsessed girl and now the woman and wife who wants to save him... I have left so many times and he has kicked me out so many times... I have been gone nearly two Weeks now.. At this point I feel he has cheated on me ... I dont know for a fact but I feel it.. I love him and dont really know how to just let go.. I want the man back that I fell in love with.... The man I wrote to all those years when he was locked up.. He is so, so different... So mean now... I dont know which way to go.. I know for safety for me and my daughter, I need to just stay gone.... But how? I know he is sick and needs help but he wont do anything about it.. Please if anyone has any advice, my ears are open.... Thank you for your time....
Darlene71 Darlene71
5 Responses Dec 10, 2012

My story is so similar to yours and I was mystified why I couldn't let him go - even though we were apart, I missed him and yet our lives together were AWFUL! Then I heard this wisdom and it made sense of it for me. "We don't miss who they were, we miss who we wish they had been." Once I realized I was chasing a dream, I was able to let go of him. I realized he wasn't who I wish he was, at all. Once I saw him realistically, and realized he'd never be my prince charming, it was easier to let go. If you think he's been unfaithful, he has. Mine swore he hadn't, but years later her admitted to it. Please move on. I just found this site because I was looking for support - I have to tell my two lovely teenagers that their dad overdosed on Christmas eve and died. I'm waiting so I don't kill their holidays forever, but it hurts so badly and I have no idea how I'm going to tell them. My point is, a drug addict father affects them forever, whether you go or whether you stay. At least your daughter will have a healthy mom if you stay gone. Bless you - stay strong. You will be happy again, I promise. But not with him.

Being with an addict is like living with the side effects of the drugs. You are not experiencing him, but merely a man who is ill. Addiction is a lifelong battle there is so much more to the word addict than just drugs, they need constant help and support when released back into the community. It is so easy for them to slip backwards at any time. I understand you love him very much, and care for him, but you also need to consider yourself here. What you can do is offer him an ultimatum and say rehab, then we talk, then follow up treatment if he is not willing you have no future with him. His self destructive tendencies started long before you were around, do not blame yourself, you have done nothing wrong. When he experiences issues with anxiety and coming down he will blame anyone but himself. Its quite common in drug addicts. This must be very stressful for you. He is good when high, he acts like a teenager, then you have to be concerned. Sit him down and tell him he will end up dead or back in prison if he dos not get help. Tell him you care for him and you want the best for him. He can not have a future with you unless he becomes clean, and only then will it be possible. That is the honest truth. You need to be strong now, and he needs to get help, the best you can do for him is try and push him in that direction. I feel for you, its hard loving someone like that, and it must be so painful to deal with. I wish you all the best.

This is very true what you say. All of it is so true. I had to leave my husband after 9 mos of being married and said I AM NOT DIVORCING you but I refuse to live with you until you get help. within a week he agreed to go.... and a week later we was admitted into a program which will last a year on the 31st it will be 2 months! I'm living one day at a time... but I refused to be an enabler i let him get by 9 mos w/o seeking help which at the time was just for alcohol and weed 9 mos later it turned into cocaine and pcp and the other two. I tried to trust him and kept telling him to get help and he kept brushing it off.... so I had to leave so he would see I was not kidding.... those 2 weeks that I left I prayed and prayed and I wondered what will happen will he go? I did not have peace until the day we drove to the center 5 hours away and dropped him off. I'm so thankful and know God is faithful and heard me.

I have never done drugs so i was def blind sided.... but when all came to light I knew I could not longer live in the same house. He was punching holes in the walls and get in my face and lord forbid I tested him because He might of done almost anything under the influence. Saddest thing is he would not remember the next day what happened, and if he did very vaguely.

You have done the right thing and for that i applaud you. Its just as hard leaving someone you care about, but even worse staying with someone like that. True its so sad they can not see what they do to you when under the influence. You have done the right thing and in the process, if he succeeds you are saving his life. Stay strong you deserve a medal. Now do remember no matter what happens stay strong, only you can decide in the end when enough is enough if he keeps relapsing. Spend quality time with friends and family you deserve it. Keep me updated. Take care.

you are going to have to lose this guy.
i know it won't be easy but it is necessary. please know you're doing yourself a favor.
you are a loving person i can tell and this guy cannot love you back.
he is sick, let him go before you have to put up with it permanently and regret it forever.
it's already going to be hard, but believe me he WILL make U hate him and you will have wasted many years.

Mommaceitta is right don't go back..continue to be free from him..i wish i can do the same now..keep praying...good luck...God bless

Bless your heart, I have been where you are, and i know so well the beginning and the in and outs of living with a drug addict. i know the pain that family and friends can't grasp. I did and still do love mine. but i changed..not him me.
is my life better, yes it is. i gave my life to Jesus, and in doing so i was free from the hold his addiction had on me. yes i know it sounds crazy.
I would go to the alter and beg God to change him, but one day that changed too, i started praying for my home, and yes this ole house is now a home. no one can come in cussing i run them off, and he respects it has followed suite.
The drug abuse and the drinking has been his life for many many years, and i know he can't just throw in the towel.
My point is sometimes love can change everything, not for his state now, which means you love the drugs, but love for you and your child. Put you and the child first. never looking back if you look back, your back in it. we don't have the power to change anyone but our selves, because we were made with free will. he may never become free from the drugs, but you my dear can. you are beautiful and you have a child that is clinging to a family, that family is you, stay real and look deep inside yourself, and let go...
good luck and God bless..