Wait Or Walk Away?

My story is like so many of yours, but I'm so confused I just don't know what to do. I met my husband thru a mutual friend while he was in prison. He was locked up for stealing while high on Crystal Meth. I guess I have always kind of had a soft spot for people that have gone down the wrong path in life but want to change. We spent 3-1/2 years together while he was incarcerated just talking. At first it was letters, then it was phone calls, every day. We fell in love with each other easily. He told me he started smoking weed when he was only 12, Cocaine when he was only 14, then started using Meth at 20 years old. He claimed he never wanted to go back to that life and wanted to start brand new with me. After all, that life never got him anywhere. When he was released from prison, we immediately began our relationship. It was rocky at first. He ran into someone he knew from prison within the first few weeks of him being released, and ended up on some kind of drug and up for 3 days. When I finally saw him again I held onto him close and he never, for the next 10 months, touched another hard drug. He smoked weed behind my back, which drove me crazy because it made him lazy, sleepy and tired, and ultimately caused our breakup in December of 2011. After 7 months of not seeing each other, we started running into each other and realized all the feelings were still there. This is the first man I can truly say I have ever loved completely. Eventually, in October of 2012 we got back together. I could tell when he first started coming around that he was on something and I made it very clear I wasn't ok with it. He said he understood, I wasn't supposed to be ok with it and that he would stop. By the end of that week he asked me to marry him, and I did. I believed after 5-1/2 years together, with a 10 month break, he finally realized where he wanted to be and who he loved. I believe he did quit for some time, but one night he wanted to go to a concert with his friends, I was tired so I stayed home. He was gone all night, and when he finally came home the next morning, I knew something was wrong. He had a glassy eyed dazed look. We fought over the most ridiculous things for 3 days straight. He didn't sleep the whole time and would spend the nights laying next to me going thru every little thing in my phone, my facebook, my emails. Everything that happened the whole time he was out of my life. Then when I woke up we would argue all day about it. I was ready to walk out and leave him. I guess even though I could tell he was on something, I didn't have the full understanding that it was the drug doing this to him. On the 4th day, he finally came down. He broke down to me crying for at least an hour straight and said he just wanted me. We needed time to ourselves to get back to us. I agreed, he slept for a couple of days and before I knew it I recognized him when I looked in his eyes again. He was clean for another month, but in December of 2012, on his birthday, he did something (still not sure if it was Coke or Meth), and he stayed gone all night at the casino with his friend, then he stayed gone the whole next day, next night, and so on. I argued with him, threatened to file a missing persons report because he would turn his phone off, not answer to me, and I didn't see him for days. After about a week, he came and picked up his clothes. Blamed everything on me. Looking back now, I did nothing wrong. It was the drug and him that messed everything up and left. It broke me down. Then I found out, not only did he leave, he went back to the girl he was seeing the 2 months before he came home to me. The girl he was doing drugs with because supposedly she was pregnant. She had gotten pregnant right before he came home to me, but didn't know about it until after he left her. A couple of weeks later, and 2 weeks after my missed period, I took a test and found out that I am also pregnant. I am 30 years old and I currently don't have any children. I did that on purpose (the first 10 months we were together I was on the shot), because I never intended on being a single mom. I wanted to be married, then have children. So after we got married, I stopped taking my birth control. Now I'm still pregnant and alone and I just don't know what to do. I love this man more than anything, but the person he is when he is high is just unrecognizable. He has broken my things, destroyed my bedroom, punched holes in my door, and just generally doesn't care about me when he is high. I keep hearing about him being up days at a time. He knows I'm pregnant and hasn't said one thing about it. He hasn't come to any doctors appointments with me. I fell so along and I just don't know what to do. When he is sober, he is the perfect man for me. Very loving, protecting, he is a provider. But when he is high he is a user, and a zombie of himself. It's like he has no emotions. When we got married, as we were telling our vows, he started to cry. There were tears streaming down his face, which when I saw this, is what made me cry. I know he loves me, but how do I compete with his addiction? I don't know whether to let go, or to continue holding on and waiting. He knows he can't be around me when he is like that, which is why I think he stays away, but it just hurts me so bad to be pregnant with his child and he is not around. I am afraid if he continues down this road, he will end up back in prison. But it seems that every time I tried talking to him, I just pushed him farther away. So now I haven't talked to him at all and still that doesn't help either. Please, I need some advice. I don't know whether to wait, try to help, or just let go. I burst into tears about it almost every day.
Choirck16 Choirck16
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 11, 2013

I'm very new to this site. But I just wanted to share my story and respond to you. I'm currently in the same situation you are in, but I'm not pregnant or have any children by my meth using husband. He left me for drug use and his ex-girlfriend who uses also. I'm a christian and he knows that he can't do drugs in my home. I don't like him smoking weed, cigaretts, alcohol use and him using meth. He knows that I don't support that type of lifestyle. What has gotten me through this difficult time in my life is that I started to put God first in my life. I realized that my husband had taken up all my mental space. I should never put anyone in the place of God. I should be thinking about God and his righteous way of living more than on my spouse. I really love my husband and I do forgive him but I must continue to live the life God wants me to live. I do things to pamper myself like read books, take soothing baths aromatherpy baths, shopping, pedicures and go to the movies. I spend alot of time doing fun things with my kids also. I have 2 kids that I'm raising alone. My children are from previous past marriage. Well, I hope you found my story a little uplifting. Well, before I close I want to tell you that my husband still calls me to check on me. After he checks on me, he always asks me for money. This gets on my nerves because I feel he only wants money from me so he can continue to use. I really feel sorry for my husband because his life is really bad right now. A few days ago, he called me to pick him up from another town, I told him NO and he hung the phone up quickly. The next day he called me in a panick wanting money, I told him again NO. I too don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like divorcing him and going on with my life. My religion tells me not to divorce because God hates divorce. By the way I got married to him in May of 2012, he left me in July 2012. He tried to come home a few times but he quickly left. He has been gone for months now and I hope and Pray that he will come back to the faith.

sincerely,
AV

That was me who responded AJCV. I signed AV just to let people know.