...my Heart Is Heavy...

As I write this, my heart is heavy. I feel like I have the weight of the empire state building on my back. I can literally feel this weighing on my heart, my body, my mind, my soul, my everything.

I have been with my fiance for about 3 1/2 years. Our relationship has been anything but easy. We've endured a lot of hardships, relationship problems, trust issues...let me start from the beginning.

I packed up my life and moved to New Hampshire for him in 2010 and by Thanksgiving (of 2010) I was spent. I left and came home (back to P.A.). While we lived in New Hampshire he battled a SERIOUS prescription pill addiction. He constantly was taking money from me. drained my bank account. over-drafted my bank account. stole money from our job and got us both fired. Smh, it was complete hell. I gave him an ultimatum, he either got clean or I was leaving and never looking back. He got clean - detoxed on his own at home and didn't go back to it. The day after Christmas he came to P.A. and was ready to get his life straight.

He wasn't here long before he got locked up for prior **** he had done before I met him. He got locked up beginning of February and was out by the end of March. We went on with out lives. I got pregnant in April and though we had our ups and down we were doing okay (minus that fact that he wouldn't get a job). I gave birth to our beautiful daughter on January 6th, 2012.

I have been so wrapped up in raising her. Keeping up with school - I'm in my second year of college, working 2 jobs, taking care of his 7 year old son, and taking care of my fiance who has gone through some serious health problems since September.

I failed to catch on to the fact that he has been using heroin. Over the past year I would ask her periodically if he was on something (okay, at least once or twice every two weeks) because he would be acting different, look different, he would be sweating for no reason, outside in a wife beater in 30 degree weather...and he kept telling me no.

I got a big slap in the face on Tuesday night when I found out he was doing Heroin. He had been in the bathroom waaaaaaay too many times on Monday and never flushing the toilet and every time he came out he looked worse and worse. I searched the bathroom on Tuesday and was horrified at what I found.

Empty baggies.
A spoon with a ball of heroin on.

I started shaking. My mind started racing. My blood pressure went through the roof.

I was angry.
Then sad.
Then hurt.
Then angry.
Then in shock.
Then angry.
Then praying my dream would end.

He has been lying to me about EVERYTHING for this past year ....

.... he got us evicted because he spent our rent money on this **** but told me he didn't get paid....

the more I think about it the angrier I get.

he has admitted it all. he wants out. he wants rehab. he says he is done.

but my heart hurts so much - how can I ever trust him again!?


tDdUp143 tDdUp143
22-25, F
6 Responses Jan 17, 2013

harder for me to say, as it's my son that's the addict, not a spouse, so wiping my hands clean from my son is out of the question...if he goes to rehab, at least it will buy you some time

If you want my opinion and it;s going to be harsh. Move on!

I live with an ex-heroin user and let me tell you now it's not the drugs you have to fear, and I know that feeling it's the lies and deceit constantly that eventually breaks the very sole of the relationship. This will be passed on to your daughter no matter how much you try to hide it. She will be taught that it's ok to let a man take away any chance of stability because lets be honest it does. You don't know from one day to the next what;s going to happen and that's not a good thing for your mental health.

Take my advise please no matter how hard it will be, move on

Good luck

My boyfriend is in rehab right now, too, after shooting up all kinds of stuff. He stole well over a grand from me and I have stayed with him despite it all, but now I'm starting to worry that I won't ever be able to trust him ever again---And I know I won't. It's a hard thing to look at, but down the road, can you risk going through this again? That's the question I keep asking myself to decide what I want to do.

Good luck to you, and if you ever want to chat you're more than welcome to message me.

Im in the same sort of situation as you, is there anyway we could talk sometime? I need to talk to someone in my situation :(


You have to ask yourself, "can I live like this any longer?", "is this situation going to improve in the short term?", I know the answer to the questions as I have experience with it, but you have to decide what is best for you and your child. Good luck.

hes had a serious health problem (which stems back to his drug addiction but it didnt make sense until now to me or his doctors); therefore, he has been on morphine....a very high dose at that. Which he's been selling or trading his pills for bags of heroin....

....the more i think about it the madder I get. :/

Drug addiction is strong.... stronger than some relationships... I know some cases, it's not uncommon...
In my opinion everyone deserves a second chance... but he wasted it, and a third chance is seldom given.
Only you can say if he's truthful and if he will be consistent in his resolution. But if you decide to trust him you need to take control of all the money.