All I Know Is Im Not Okay

If you don't have kids with him, I'd run run run before you take it to the next step. I'm not saying there is no hope, but I feel it's a 80/20 chance after reading all of the stories I have read. Call me harsh, but that's just how I feel personally. Everytime you think you have hit rock bottom, think about if you were to have a kid with him and you were relying on him for one of your childs big events at school/daycare and whoops, he can't go because he hasn't had his fix or is coming down from something. It is DEVISTATING. You do not want to go there, trust me. You are young and probably beautiful and WILL find someone else.

I don't know you well enough to say what would help you specifically or where to get help from dealing with the depression, but just start small and build your self esteem back up somehow. Definitely join a group or a forum so you know you are not alone. Stay with friends and family. Write your feelings in a journal. Write the good things you have going for yourself and what you like about yourself. Find the things you used to enjoy and try doing them again. Google building your self esteem... I know it's hard :(.

I am 26 and married to a user of oxycodone. It got to the point a year ago that he seeked help trying to get off of suboxone. He didn't even finish the program because he didn't feel he was that bad off. He basically used them for recreational use. Slowly it just got worse and worse.

We had a child together before I knew about his "bad habit" and once I did know, I still choose to go through with marriage thinking he wasn't that bad off and I could handle his problem and help him through it. Honestly, I thought he would just grow up and out of it. I wanted to keep our family together like most other women would have wanted.

Recently, I found out he has been using pills again... I don't know to what extreme, but I know I have become an FBI investigate, can't sleep well, am losing myself, trying to pretend to my family, friends and coworkers that everything is okay. It's a huge front I have put on and I have very few people I am talking to about the issues. It's exhausting and I want to move on and use this energy on spending fun times with my daughter. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster... one minute our family is "happy", the next he's having mood swings trying to get through the week off of the pills. There's no stability. Parenthood is tough and I need help. I can't make all these decisions myself, ugh I want to scream!

Of course I questioned him and he said it was the last time, hahaha. Yeah right.

I feel like I am slowly coming to realization that an addiction is an addiction period, despite the amount... it will always come first in life and ruin everything. I keep reading the same story over and over about how for YEARS woman have dealt with their husband's addictions and have lost themselves. That CAN NOT be me years from now. I CAN NOT help him... he has to want to help himself and even if he does, that still doesn't mean it will work. I keep repeating this to myself over and over. I'm riding on time... hopefully it will lead me the right way. Something has to give.

Good luck to you. Just know you are not alone.

Totally get you.
I put my kids through so much believing that change was possible, or at least that I could make it happen.
I turned into the British equivalent, cid,

This was not even my partner. It was my ex deceased partners crack cocaine addicted sister. I have 4 kids, I also fostered, I had a total of 13kids and I had to give up work because I had another adult in the house. I thought I was losing my mind, the lies, the mistrust, the suspicions, the round the clock planning of how to catch her out, it all took it's toll. In the end, when I ended up getting ill from sheer exhaustion, after many throw out sessions and believing the lies to say she had changed and letting her back in, I finally gave her an ultimatum, she had to go to rehab or she would never see me, my kids, her kids ever again.
Fortunately, she got a place in rehab, and 11months later, on her 40th birthday, we drove up in a big minibus and celebrated her completion. Everyone was in tears as her children reconnected with her , as she listened to stories of how some of us never believed she would even reach her 40th birthday let alone come of 25 year relationship with. crack cocaine.
Stand you ground!!! Never give up hope for a better solution if wot you're doing is not working, change your method and keep moving forward. Don't be a martyr to the cause tho, put your foot down before you end up too ill to do anything about it.
Ppb

Oh boy. I understand where you're coming from..my son has an opiate addiction as well, so i know the FBI feeling all too well. It's so very hard to know what the right thing is to do...the best thing you wrote is that he's gone to rehab. My son is scheduled to go into rehab in a couple weeks...his treatment is 10 weeks long. No matter how long the rehab is, it's never a guarantee that the addiction is over....we hope...but, it's truly up to the addict. I'm sure you've been told that the addict must choose sobriety, no matter how many times you threaten to throw him out of the house, his addiction is stronger, than his desire to stay in the house with you....it's not that the addict doesn't love us, the addiction is stronger.
Addiction destroys families...it's a disease of the family....
I don't mean to sound so negative, and i'm probably not helping you at all.....but i thought it might be helpful to just know you're not alone. Maybe see how he is after rehab...and hope your 'gut' tells you what to do.....feel free to talk to me anytime