My Choice

im 22 years old. i have a 4 year old son. i had him when i was only 18 and had my first abortion wen i was 16.  i was completly asleep for it and dont remember much except the ride there and back.  however im 22 now and my fiance has 2 kids as well.  i was on birth control and got pregnant.  we just couldnt handle a fourth at this point in out lives, including our kids.  i was not sad when i had my first abortion, i just blocked it out and forgot.(not completly) but this time is absolutly horrible..i break down and cry when im around our kids, and at various times throughout the day and wake up with nightmares in the middle of the night.  with this procedure they gave me what they call twilight sleep. and said it would not put me to sleep but make me comfortable it most certainly did NOT i felt them inside me, and as i write this i can barely see the screen with the tears falling, i heard the vacuum, felt the pain..and i remember thinking before they drugged me....please god take this baby before he can feel any pain..please..please i was crying the whole time telling them it hurts and please stop...this has been the worst experience of my life but having kids i know that we simply couldnt provide a life this baby deserved..people have there own opinions about life and choices and many judge, but this was mine and i wanted to let other women know that it is ok to cry wen u want and feel pain and be able to talk about this situation, without feeling like people are judging you and im thankful everyday that my fiance is the wonderful, exceptional, loving man i was hoping hed still be even after this..he was with me the whole time and continues to make my life and our kidslife better. i hope this helps to whoever reads this.  and it has helped me just writing down my feelings knowing someone else is going through this too

kayejays kayejays
22-25, F
Feb 15, 2010