My Real Personal Experience Of Being In A Mental Hosp./psych Ward!

So this is my REAL experience of being in the psych ward/ mental institution five times in my 18th year of life. I have quite a few issues, and as my username states, I have indeed unfortunately missed out on my teenage Golden Years. 
    A tiny bit of backstory: Okay so my First time started when I had a complete nervous breakdown, I literally could not look at myself in the mirror without crying, I hated my appearance so much that I insisted I wanted to kill myself and rip off my face ( literally). This probably started because of some intense bullying in my first two years of highschool. I also have EXTREME agoraphobia, ritualistic OCD, anxiety, and suicidal ideations. 
     So anyways let's skip ahead to when my parents took me to a hospital a few towns away from where we lived so noone we knew would see me there, yea later I found out this is typical of people to do. So I get to the ER, and by now my eyes are out of tears so they are asking me what's wrong but I really can't tell them, so I start to panic and hyperventilate. They decide I need to be "evaluated". In order to do this you must agree to go through these doors to a back area, and once you let them take you through those doors, there is NO backing out. Thats literally all the ER people could tell me. I was scared and had many questions about what would happen once I went through those doors, " Are my parents allowed in?, How long will I be in their for? Where will they send me? What will they do with me? Can I keep my personal possessions with me?". They couldn't, rather would Not, answer me any of my questions. And no one from behind those doors would come out to talk to me and explain. I had to go to them. So I decided I had no other choice, I had to go through those god damn doors. 
         So I decide to go through, and the place behind the doors literally looks like a concrete basement with poor lighting, the windows are small and high above you, like basement windows. First things first, you walk by this long desk where a nurse or two tell you to "calm down", one takes your Belongings and puts them in a brown bag, the other gets you a hosp. Robe and socks with grips and leads you to the bathroom where they must watch you change. No modesty here folks. I think they are making sure both, that you won't harm yourself and that you don't have anything dangerous on you. The nurse then takes your clothes and shoes and puts them in another brown paper bag. ( unfortunately for me there was a large mirror in the bathroom and as soon as I saw a reflection of myself I went completely awol so the nurse had to calm me down). 
       After this, they take you to a " room" which is really just a small space with two walls on each side and a curtain in front, with a wall and a "basement window" in back. There are about seven "rooms" in total all next to each other, side by side, the "crazier" people, mind you, had to stay put in the open though so that the nurses could keep an eye on them.  These are the people that don't have much comprehension of what's going on and whose minds are nearly gone, these are also the people I watched in order to distract myself from my own self-loathing thoughts for the near 5 hours I waited for someone to evaluate me. 
         I remember one old guy in particular who kept falling asleep on the ground and crawling around, he was also tending to his chair as if it were a living thing. It's hard to feel sorry for these people when you feel so miserable yourself, mostly I was just intrigued by them. I almost wished I was them, so that I couldnt comprehend my own terrible thoughts. My mind was what was killing me and I wanted it gone, gone like the wind, so I could be free, even if it meant turning into a "real" nutcase. 
       So my dad is finally allowed in( my mom had kind of had it with me, she didn't really like dealing with me at all) He had to explain what was going on to the evaluating nurse because I was so out of it, I couldn't even speak without balling my eyes out. She came over to me and told me she didn't see what I was seeing, ofcourse I didn't believe her for one second, but what are you guna do? Ya know. 
      So she asks me a few questions, the main one being do I want to harm myself, which I reluctantly nodded to, she wrote a few things down and then came out with it. She wanted me to "voluntarily" sign myself into the mental institution across the street. So what this really means is if I don't " voluntarily" sign myself in, I will be "involuntarily" put in the psych ward/ mental institution and that's worse so I agreed to voluntarily sign myself in. I had to sign a paper, they then gave me info pamphlets of the institution across the street, it had stuff about visiting hours,patient rights, etc, not much to go on.
        I then had to wait another 2 hours before someone came with a wheelchair to take me across the way. My dad was not allowed to come with me. So one guy wheels me out through the double doors while another dude Carries my brown paper bags. They take me to a shuttle bus type thing, wheel me in, and off I go. In a few minutes we arrive at the "ward". I am taken up an elevator to one of the adult floors which I later learn was the floor for the. "least crazy" people and had the most liked staff according to the other patients there. 
       So anyways we get to The floor and they ring a buzzer to unlock the door, I am then Wheeled in to my new home for a week. It definitely had a hospital look to it. Right when you go in, there's the nurses desk and to the left there is the patient area with a tv surrounded by many many chairs and love seats, also Near this area is one table cornered by shelves of arts, crafts, and games.  There's also a book shelf near the tv, that had some books and old VHS tapes. 
         So they take me past that area, to the nurses station, where they sit me down and take my blood pressure and nurses take my paper bags behind the desk into an office where they go through them. While they are busy combing through my possessions, I am taken by a nurse and a doctor to an exam room to the right of the nurses station in one of the two hallways. 
      This is where they really check you out to see if youve got any goods on you. I had to go in and remove my robe, pull my bra from my chest to shake it out, and do the same with my underwear. Luckily the nurse  and doctor are both female, but still one of them sees how humiliated I am and as I remember says " god, I hate this, it's not like we are in a prison" and yes it was exactly like how they ***** you down before you to your jail cell.      
       After that, they took me to my room which is the plainest most bland place In the whole ward.there are two beds. They are so close to the ground that they look like someone laid out a couple of air mattresses. The walls are a dark blue and bare except for a single paged white calendar on each side of the , there are also two desks and two chairs, one for each side, followed by one large window on the far end of the room that looks out onto the some pretty scummy streets, the window is also impossible to open, obviously considering we are pretty high off the ground. There is also one bathroom with a shower, which wasnt bad for a psych ward. 
         They then brought me my paper bags which were quite reduced in weight, this made me pretty pissed off, my dad had brought all my toiletry items from a big bag of stuff in my bedroom so i wasnt sure what was there in the first placd until they told me the next day when they showed me the stuff in a locked closet, this stuff can only be used under supervision , they took away things such as my hair clips that had metAl on them, my compact mirror, dental floss( hmm, i wonder if theyve ever actually had a case of dental floss being used to self strangle) they took anything with metal or sharp edges, they also took things that  i 
Couldn't  for the life of me think why! Also any electronics like cell phones, iPods are taken away, no plastic bags, no pens, no razors, alcohol based shampoo and mouthwash you name it they took it.
         And after this i went straight to bed cuz I was so tired. The next day was Saturday, and they wake you up at like 7 in the morning. Let me tell you, I wa in NO mood. I moaned and said no but they are so tough on you, they take the blankets away and say you HAVE to eat breakfast, you HAVE to come get your blood pressure done, and since it was my first day I had to go see the "Phlebotomist"( the word scared me enough but when I found out what it meant, It was my worst nightmare because I have a Deathly fear of needles, I can't even get my finger pricked for a physical without being held down even at the age of eighteen) so yes, you guessed it, a phlebotomist is someone who draws blood.  
       They took me to her first, I sat on the chair and she put the blue tunicate thing on me which i equally hate and she says " okay mama, here we go" i was scared as **** but I had worse things to deal with, so I sat through it. I am not queasy at the sight of blood, I am just scared out of my mind to watch a needle go into my vein, but as soon as it was over and I got up and this weird feeling came over me. I felt a cool rush to my head down to my toes, then It turned warm and I couldn't hear or speak. I fainted. I heard people rush towards me and they lightly smacked me on the face and were saying oh god, wake up, is she faint at the sight of blood? I could barely hear but I mumbled that no I wasn't faint at the sight of blood. I think it was just all the stress of being in an unfamiliar place with Aton of people when I hadn't left my house or associated with anyone for almost 3 years,  But yea they didn't really care what I said, they just lifted me up and got a wheel chair and took me back to bed. 
       They put a green band that stood for "fall risk" on me along with my identification band. I wasn't allowed to get upwithout asking. My blood pressure was dangerously low and I was white as a ghost, almost green looking but never once did they decide to get actual medical attention or send me back to the actual hospital. I always found this strange, what if something was seriously wrong? Weird huh? The doctors have to be called up, which they never did, the psych ward only has very inexperienced nurses on weekends. And nurses and psych teams during the week. 
       This was my next dilemma, I had arrived on a weekend, the worst time to arrive to the psych ward because you are left to your own doing, no psych people, psychologists, Psychiatrists, etc. Well once i learned this, I again had a nervous breakdown, no one was helping me. You do not leave a mentally ill individual by them selves on their first new day at the psych ward. big mistake.
       By that night, I was in the hallway crying and screaming, going nuts, saying I wanted OUT. I wanted my mommy, Seriously, I was pretty pathetic, but don't knock me. It's a hard first day, and when your in that kind of situation you literally revert to being child-like. Temper tantrums and all. One of the male nurses sat down next to me on the hallway where I started to have "ticks" almost like someone with Tourette's( this can happen to a normal person under extreme duress) he told me if I didn't stop scream-crying that they would have to sedate me and put me in restraints.
         Restraints, that started to shut me up. But I was still angry and upset and asked why the hell cant I cry if I'm not hurting anyone, you don't understand, you don't understand me.( and even though they have had their share of crazies, I came to learn I was pretty much their first case of my particular condition and they really Did Not understand what was going on in my head).
        Finally it was late night visiting hours and my parents (who are divorced)  got buzzed in, I ran to them like a baby and hugged my mom and I started balling and saying I wants to leave. Now. I was right by the patient area and let me tell you, I was quite the nights entertainment. In a negative way.
         From afar I probably looked like a spoiled crybaby but I am far far from it. I was taken into the dining area/room where visitors go, and they explained to my parents the weekend situation and that I wasn't going anywhere. Soon they had to leave, and as soon as they did I went nuts again. Crying myself to my room, where I threw myself into sleep. On Sunday I pretty much kept to myself, I had zilch confidence to go interact with the other patients, I realY don't remember sunday that much, it's kind of a blur. Sorry.
        Anyways Monday, I am let to sleep late, thank you thank you. But by ten or eleven, I am woken  and it's time for yet another evaluation, for my psych team has arrived.  I am taken into a conference room, where I hide behind my hair(the only thing I can stand about myself) so there's this one Indian lady, she's the one in charge, and then there this Hispanic/white lady, who I immediately disliked. She had one of those calm voices that try's to lull you into asking questions, but really it's more annoying than anything, she was also quite the pretty, she had a cute face and a sparkle to her eyes, I immediately knew she would never understand my situation or suffering no matter how hard she tried.
        At first the two were easy with me, but when I refused to speak or show my face, they became a little tougher and agitated, pretty soon I told them what we going on, that I thought I looked like a monster, that I was weird and ugly looking, a tad deformed. They were very confused by what I was saying, at first they thought I was literally seeing a monster in the mirror ( like a green big hairy monster) no, sorry psych team, I'm not THAT insane). Once they got the point they decided to put me on Zoloft for the morning, risperidone at night, and adderhall when I needed it.          
       After this, I was kind of emotionally scarred from spilling my guts, and I went to my room, ( forgot to mention I was so crazy and disturbed when I arrived that they decided to give me the room that didn't have a roommate....yet). I don't remember if it was the same day or the next but I finally said **** it and went to the patient area, people were staring, yea cuz I was the new crazy, but I tried to ignore them. I was looking at a chess board and checker board when I looked over at the craft table to see this middle aged bLack man looking at me. He smiled and motioned " do you want to play". 
        I immediately knew I was guna like him. He was very kind and taught me to play chess, he was very patient with me and went through every move with me, making sure he let me win :).  After this I taught HIM how to play checkers, haha, who knew I'd ever meet someone who didn't know how to play checkers? I did Not let him win, I am a beast at checkers. Love that game. This guy was my first new friend at the psych ward, things were looking up. 
      My next new friend was a black woman with crazy hair and an even crazier personality, she literally "made my life" while I was stuck in this place. She was funny as hell and later on in the week while I was having a small breakdown in my room, she tried to escape! Haha. Truth, I was so pissed that I missed it. It was the talk of the ward. Supposedly she hid behind a crevice near the buzzing locked door and when A visitor left, she followed right behind them. ( thats one crazy cookie!) She got all the way outside and ran across the lawn, patients saw her out the window And I guess nurses realized what as going on, my new friend was so close to escaping but she went the wrong way! And she couldn't hop the concrete fence! Eventually she was caught by some big strong men, not sure what type of personnel they were, but she was taken into this special room where she got the life knocked out of her with drugs. 
       The next time I saw her, she was a MESS. Could barely walk, but she got better soon and confirmed her escape story, we had a damn good laugh about it. She even asked me to escape with her the next day, I agreed( haha but we never went through with it) as the psych team was building up my esteem by shutting down my bad thoughts, I started to make friends, not to mention the drugs were starting to kick in and as another one of my crazy buds in the ward said it " ahh, I can feel that good seritonin comin on"  good seritonin indeed.  
     My next friend was a good match. She was around 21 I believe but looked about 16, I remember seeing her first when she was at the med window, getting her first pills ( you pop them, take a swig of water, and I can't even remember if they make you stick out your tongue)  she was being bothered by that crazy seritonin bud I was talking about earlier, he had some anger issues and some strong opinions that he thought everyone should hear ( later he got into an argument with the staff and got taken away for a bit, I also learned why he was there, he tried to commit suicide by cutting and drinking bleach) 
     so I walked right up to her and laughed, asked her her name( which I complimented because it was pretty) and I offered her some of my candy that my parents had brought in. She accepted ( now I want to make something clear, my new found confidance is what I now like to refer to as  Psych ward euphoria, led on by an incredible bed side manor by the psych teAm, and unfortunately it really is only temporary) so we got to be good friends really quick, I told her stuff I never told anyone before and she confided in me as well , I learned she had kids and why she was there, (suicidal tendencies like most of us and she carved a phrase into her arm that I can't quite recall).
        I think me and her, although very troubled, we're the most sane of all the people there plus we were young so we got along great. I remember when she first called me pretty, I didn't believe it but was none the less pleased ESP considering no one really wears makeup or does their hair in the psych ward( which was huge for someone with my problems) we got so close so fast that I even coughed up the courage to ask one of the nurses if she could be my roommate, they said no, we were disappointed to say the least( her roommate was a bulimic and had to be locked out of their room after meals and I didn't have a roommate so it would have worked out great but I guess they thought we were up to no good) 
       anyways, before she left we exchanged numbers( which is NOT allowed and she came into my room which is also Not allowed and gave me a gift to remember her by, I also scraped something up for her) soon it was the day she had to leave and I got up early as i Promised I would so I could say goodbye,  it was sad, but we would talk again soon, we said that we'd miss each other and we hugged( I hadn't hugged someone in a LONG LONG time so it felt good ( oh did I mention hugging between patients is also Not allowed, whatever) 
     so now I was left with other three buddies, Chessman, Crazy cookie, and anger issues buddy,  we spent our last days playing UNO, talking to eachother about why we were there and sharing snacks from home (sharing food is also Not allowed haha, but even the nurses couldn't resist our roasted peanuts) 
       I also forgot to mention that my crazy cookie escape artist friend saw me brushing my hair in my room and said I looked like a regualr rupunzel lol, she followed that by telling me I was very pretty and to watch out for those boys ( whoa compliment overload! Felt damn good! Just adding to the psych ward euphoria!) chessman also asked me why I was there ( I told everyone the usual..suicidal idiations) and he said he couldn't figure out why a sweet girl like me would be in a place like this, that made me feel a bit more normal, all good things..builiding me up. 
     This brings to another fact Bout the psych ward, everyone there wants to leave, that is their only goal, some, like chessman, refused their medication because they didn't think they needed it and didnt think they were crazy, others like  my good young friend, told the nurses what they wanted to hear to get out nice and quick, and some screwed themselves over by trying to escape lmao, but me, I never felt so good In My entire life, I had friends, I had confidence, I wanted to stay forever, so I would tell the nurses and psych team that I was still suicidal, but they weren't buying it, they wanted me out, and so did my insurance company. 
         This is what most psych wards are like, they can't  keep you for very long, because insurance won't pay for it, so even if you truly are still ripe and ready to end your life, they will let you go, or rather make you leave . That is the sad truth and I think something should be done about it.  Anyways it was time for me to leave. 
      It was nice while it lasted, we had a family meeting and got prescriptions for my meds, talked about aftercare, and then I was off. For the first few weeks after, the euphoria was still in high gear, I was In Touch with my friend, and feeling hopeful. I was also avoiding mirrors, as suggested to me by my psych team because it was my trigger, you might think this is impossible, but I assure you it Can be done, however, as the euphoria began to wear down and the drugs began losing their affect, I was getting worse than Ever.
      Don't get me wrong, my first time at the psych ward turned out to be great, and I don't regret it, for most people I think it's a big help but for my specific situation, I couldn't be helped permanently. I began looking in mirrors again and went into shock, I even began to self harm which led me to visit the psych ward four more times,
    twice with the same doctors( during these times I yelled at a nurse at the ER and she got so mad at me that she lied to other staff members and said I was throwing myself against the wall and being destructive, what a ***** ha, they ended up forcefully sedating me with a needle in my backside and some haldol, also I was again forcefully sedated at the ward when I had the worst break down of my life, I had to be held down, this time nurses were trying to console me and the patients were  tellIng me to shut the hell up needless to say I didn't make much friends that time), once on a different floor( where they changed my meds and I went through withdrawal from my antidepressant, which let me tell you is the WORST feeling in the world, I was so restless, I was having spasms, I could not sleep no matter what drugs they gave me yet I was tired as hell, I couldn't even get up and walk to the bathroom or wash my face because  
      I was SO UNBELIEVABLY EXHAUSTED and at the same time restless, I felt like death, and the staff on this new floor were not sympathetic nor understanding what so ever! Although the patients were still kind as ever, one even drew a picture for me to get well and I didn't even know her) my last experience at a psych ward was at a completely different hospital, where they kept me in a room the size of a closet with no windows and one guy would sit in The doorway watching me, I was not allowed to leave, I also again fainted at this place and was taken to the regular pArt of the hospital because I was so I'll. They wouldn't even let me shower, so I started t break out, adding to my specific issue.
       Finally two doctors cleared me to leave and five min before my mom was to pick me up, another nurse who I had come to strongly dislike came in with her buddy and told me I wasn't going anywhere, well I said too bad, I've already been cleared for discharge, I am 18 and I am allowed to leave, even against medical advise. They told me I had to sign a paper to leave against medical advise but when I demanded the papers, they refused them to me, so I took my stuff up and walked out the door to the elevator, a code was called and many nUrses and two burly men came and grabbed me by my arms and legs out of the elevator,i kicked and faught because I do NOT enjoy people man handling me, ESP men. ( turns out you can kick and thrash as much as you wAnt, even if you catch them in the face, but if you try to bite, that is a big no no, I guess you can get into some real trouble for that, weird huh? Maybe they're worried about diseases..hate to break it to you guys but you work at a yea lmao) 
       well this ended up in the staff getting scolded because they were infact in the wrong to deny my discharge papers, so I did end up leaving that day. All of this **** landed me where I am now, in the worst place a person could be, making a plan to end their life.  I Have already written letters to my loved ones, and told them why as may ways as I could. This is the first time I actually have a plan to end my life, it feels real, and Im freaking myself out because I'm no longer afraid of death, which wasn't the case my whole life( I was scared out of my mind to die) I guess now I'm just waiting for some miracle to happen, otherwise soon, I won't be here anymore, so please pray for me will you guys? Even if you don't believe in god, send some hope my way, I really need it.  
        Anyways, SOme other things you might want to know about the psych ward, when you are in your rooms, they check you every 15min, even when you are sleeping and are in the shower, also the food doesn't suck, you might actually gain weight and you can get food brought in by visitors as long as the staff check it first, there is a set bedtime which was around 11 or midnight, each trip to the psych ward is different sometimes you get lucky sometimes you get really unlucky, you CAN wear regular clothes but hosp. Clothes and robes are also available, don't bother with makeup no one cares about how you look in there they have their own problems and will likely see you for WHO you are rather than what you look like, psych ward is a safe environment where people don't judge you It is a far cry from the real world so don't be surprised if you find yourself wanting to go back to this safe haven It's a normal reaction, there is an outdoor small area that you can go out into on days that the nurses feel like bringing you there We called ours The Cage because it literally was, even if you Just turned 18 you should expect to be put in the adult floor where you will be treated and expected to act like an adult, there is not a "padded room" but rather a safe room on the floor where a very insane person is put, they are watched constantly through a glass wall and handed food through an opening (I know this because I was across the hall from this room once and it was a Pretty demeaning sight to see this girl being treated like a specimen), the beds are NOT comfortable, the longest they can keep you there is 21 days but most stay for a week or less, you Can refuse meds but if you do you should expect to stay for those 21 days, if you don't make friends you will lose your mind with boredom Remember there s only ONE tv, That's all I can think of for now, if you have any questions or want to talk, email me at  
     Thank you for taking time out of your lives to read my experience, it means a lot, ESP. Since I wrote a freaking novel! With terrible grammar and spacing!
SkippingTheGoldenYears SkippingTheGoldenYears
18-21, F
32 Responses Mar 8, 2012

When you go to the bathroom, do they watch you pee?

I feel that fate has brought me to your website and that I should talk to you. I don't know why but I feel a connection to your story. I feel myself losing grip with reality and I am contemplating suicide on a daily basis. Although I feel like it's not me having these thoughts, it's something else. :(

Okay so I started looking things up because im wanting to become a phyciatrist and I came across a HORROR story written by a patient. I was honestly shaken up by the patients story, so I immediately went here looking to see if this was a issue that happened to anyone else. Long story short this patient said they were raped by men that paid the doctors to do whatever they wanted with the patients. While they were in restrained in violating positions, she has even said she remembers choking on her spit because of something they gave her ( cant remember what) and she was strapped down in a bad position. She said that shed hear the screaming of the guy next to her, this just upsets me. Apparently cops would drag someone they legally could for a mental illness in if the doctors found they had an empty bed. I cant stay that's factual but this was written by a lady claiming to have been a patient at one point. I wouldn't wish such things upon my worst enemy. Whats the take on this from anyone else?

I really enjoyed your story. Your first experience at the hospital reminded a lot like mine when I was in the hospital. I was very quiet and I wanted to get out. I was the bulimic and me and my roommate room had to be locked after each meal. At first my roommate was angry with me for this...until she got to know me a lot better. Throwing up my food was the only control I felt like I had, I preferred to cut but since there wasn't anything to do this with the only thing I could possibly do to feel like I had the power was to throw up my food. Everyone was okay to me. And most of the staff liked me. Except for one, a situation happened right in front of my doctor which I still remember to this day. I was so medicated and my doctor asked to see me it was dinner time. I had to show the staff my tray before throwing it away. I took one bit and then got up and just threw out my food without even thinking about it. One staff member said Hey!!! I said I was sorry and the male staff cornered me into the wall ( I was molested that year by the janitor at my school, and I was there due to stress from changing schools, going through the trail and just giving up on my life.) I had a flash back, I was shaking and he kept saying it wasn't an accident you did that on purpose. Then I told him I wanted to call my mom. He grabbed me and told me my mom doesn't care about are in a mental instituation she doesn't want you anymore. My doctor asked me if I still wanted to talk to him I said yes. He told me to keep walking...I think my doctor was yelling at him and all I could think about if my mom loved me or not. I was shaking walking down the hall. I believed what he said and I wanted to call my mom. The nurse and orderly ran up to me and asked me if I was okay I said I need to call my mom. The doctor caught up and appologized to me the nurse said she doesn't look to good and that we shouldn't talk. The doctor wanted to talk to me and he asked me if I wanted to still talk with him. I told yes but when I got in the office I was just to shaken up from what happened he just told me to breathe. ( I told him I didn't want because I wanted some kind of control. He told me take a deep breath know or your going to quit room. He upped my meds and I had to sit with one of the staff for a while. That was one of my bad nights there. Fourteen years later I am still having urges to cut myself and at times I give into those urges. At times I don't care if I live or die. I feel like I am being bullied at work and that's when these feelings started I am know seeing a therapist. I am hoping that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You seem like a strong person and with your story I can relate. And I hope you get the proper help that you need. There are people that care. I care and we haven't even met but through your story I can relate to you so much.

I'm praying for you! :) I know my response is about a year late, but if you need someone to talk to, I'll always be here to listen. I was in a psych ward too, and I know the pain along with it... (I tried escaping several times, as a matter of fact I walked to my aunts neighborhood around the corner) My email is if you want to talk. :)

I also have been myself to a mental hospital. It looked like 1980s and it was horrid. They however had the decency to be modest and the only time they watch you 24/7 is when you have attempted suicide at the hospital. I was there after attempting suicide due to others hating me. I have Bipolar, Autism, and spells of Infantilism. So anyway conpared to the story skippingthegoldenyears posted her mental ward is a lot worse than the one i went took. They gave me a room with 2 beds a toilet stall sized bathroom 2 nightstands and a shelf. I got my own room to myself and it was ok. The only prob was the AC/Heater took forever to warm the room up and it was the middle of winter! The bed was too small for me. The workers there did not understand BiPolar disorder and Autism, much less Infantilism which is a disorder where you have every now and then sudden desires to ether wear diapers ( DL) or rollplay baby alltogether (TB/AB ) I chose not to wear the hospital socks and they did not give me a hospital gown. The sickos were in a barred away section of the building and we were told not to go in there. The lunchroom had no good food except the salads and the wedsday night pizza. I was luckly enough to be at gyn time hang out with the cute girls who especally cheered me up, and lucky enough to have most of my theripy sessions be in the girls therpy room instead of the boys. I am a boy but have always not gotten along with other boys. Most of my friends have been girls. Just like Skippingthegoldenyears the people there did not understand mind disorders and i wish they would have let me hanged out with this one girl nammed maggie. I was shocked how much freedom i had to be with the girls !! While there i started writing a book and started reading The Black Arrow by Robert Louis Stevenson in my free time. It was horrid there but at least i got privcy. I did get one shot but i have been having monthly shots for years. When we got home we had this big celebration by going out and eating at my favorite mexican restraunt and on the way home i was able to get a big mac for lunch/snack at mcdonalds. I never wanna go back there again

I was searching Google to see if there are places for psych patients that will allow your pet to stay with you, and I came across your story. I can relate, as I have been in a psych ward several times too. Do u have facebook? Maybe we could talk, share some experiences and/or advice. I'm so close to that point u were talking about, only thing keeping me here is my Nan. Grandad, Mum & my gorgeous cat smokie.
If u can, plz Add me on fb so we could talk about this sort of thing privately? I get the feeling that when I've tried to talk to a couple of my mates that they think I'm just looking for attention. I hate that :-( if it doesn't still upset u too much it'd be good to talk to someone who knows what its like.
On fb I'm Gabrielle Harwood, got darkish red Hair in my picture, if u have trouble finding me, just look at "smokie Russell-Harwood (my cat) cos I'll be on his friends list. Hope to hear from you, xoXoGabrielle

Wow...I know of a friend(s) who have experiences. My sister plans to put me in one because of my cutting, I think its stupid. She even got me antidepressants! Im only 16, this will change, hopefully.

I am 14 and I have been to 3 different hospitals because of suicidal actions and thoughts. Bulimia anorexia and cutting. My experience was pretty much the exact same as yours. A few of us helped this girl plan on running away after she got out. It was really cool but then after being away for a week I didn't know what to do when I got back. The next day I had to go to school and I had a breakdown first thing in the morning. I lost a lot of my memory because if being there but I'm glad I went. I'm in full recovery now.

Well I am sitting here thinking aboveut lots of things good and or bad. Just hard for me to see myself in any good light. But at the same time. I just lose days and well. I am getting more and more scared of things but just don't see things wrong with me. Buteven though makes me wonder more and more maybe I should look into help and well yur story helped and still scares the life out of me. I hope your story can stay with me and maybe help me get threw a bit lore and maybe get some help

I'm 17 and in the hospital right now waiting to be moved to a psych ward somewhere in michigan, they are looking for one with an open bed. I'm very worried...

You are so brave, I know so few people who would be able to go through all of that and be here still. I think that you should keep on fighting, hope for the best. I wouldn't be able to go through what you've been through/going through.
I'd never be able to talk about my admission like you have. You've put feelings into your writing as well and I feel as if I was there with you. Well done!
You should keep on writing, put words on paper. It should work. It has for me!

i think you've done well describing your experience :) i just wanted to put out there though that different wards are very different. i've spent months and months in a ward and been in all different ones like 30 admissions and i'm 21 and they have all been varied and quite different to yours. so i just wanted to let others know that they may experience what you did or it may be different if they go in.
i really admire you for being about to write this, i could never talk about my admissions like this. :)

Omg, I hope someone ends up kicking those people in the ***I have to admit you are very brave and I envy how brave you are, during drama I'm like freaking out with everyone everywhere rushing so fast, that's the first time I ever told anyone lol you were brave enough to share your story, i would never be that brave, wow

i read this today and it actually inspired me to join this site.
i think you are very strong and i thank you for sharing and being an inspiration :)

I love you

wow what a good story! thanks for sharing!
i must tell you about my visit to the mental hospital, i had been in a bad relationship with a guy and it got very physical, cops got called and he went to jail! i was pressing charges and just very depressed because of everything that had happen! for a solid three weeks i stayed in my apartment and cried, drank, and smoked pot just trying to forget about what happen,and i didnt talk to anyone during thiss time, well one night i got so drunk and depressed that i started cutting my self, i didnt want to kill my self i was just trying to release the pain i was holding in!!! i then started crying because i relized what i just did to my arm so i ran to my bed and cried my self to sleep. the next morning i hurd banging on my door, it was the police! i didnt want to deal with them so i didnt answer the door. later to find out One of my family members called the police because they hadnt hurd from me! and of course they called the police department in the city i live in so the police knew all about what was going on, when i didnt answer the door i hurd them say we need a warrent to enter to make sure she is ok! i freaked out when i hurd them say that, so i ran to my room and just hopped into my bed and covered my self up with my covers.... (i know what good is that going to do) a few mins later i hurd the cops kicking in my door and police officers saying police let me see your hands, i didnt know what to do so i just laid there like a dumb *** pretending to be sleeping. well the police came in my room and of course found me and "woke" me up. started asking me questions on y i wasnt talking to anyone or returning phone calls, i just said i was dealing with a lot and i didnt want to talk, well forgetting i just cut my self the night before the police officer seen my arm and said ms i know you have a case and i think your tramatized and counseling. I asured him i was fine and i wanted him to leave, he then looked at me and said "i dont think you understand, after seeing your arm i can not leave you here alone due to your a threat to your self, i have to take you to the hospital" my response was, You have got to be kidding me, im not going to no hospital, i do not need any help! as soon as i said that i had four cops grab me and put me in back of the cop car, they then took me to the hospital! when we got into the hospital they put me in a room and both the officer an nurse walked away for a moment, so i jumped up and ran out of the hospital, i got half way thru the parking lot before that cop caught me. he said i had two choices go back in or go to jail, i choose jail because i was not about to get thrown into the nut house, well the officer refused to take me to jail so pink slipped me into the hospital! once they got me back into my room i then ran to the restroom and locked my self in. the nurses tried to unlock it with a key but i was holding the lock so they couldnt.... well they then got mantanice and took the hinges off and pride the door open, i then had security nurses dr and whoever else grabbing me and pulling me back to my room, where i then got a shot that knocked my butt out! when i woke back up they had transported me to and acual mental hospital where i was put on a suicide watch. i had a gaurd watching me 24/7... i gave them the silent treatment for days, i didnt like my doctor if i did ask a question about going home he would just get up and leave, i never had a room mate bc of being on the 24/7 watch. i refused to go to any group meetings, or do crafts, i wouldnt eat, i was just being a plan pain in the ***. about after a week the dr said he was going to probate me which means i would have to stay longer so i just kept quite till i had my court date i totally thought they would release me bc i had been good all i did was sit there! when i got to court they said they were making me stay another 21 days i was so pissed, i got back to my room and started punching the walls bc i knew now i was going to be forced to take meds. the nurses came in and i went off one everyone, of course here comes the doctor gives me a shot and i get knocked back out. when i wake back up they told me i was being forced to particapte in everything and if i didnt start applying i would never get out, at about day 15 i acually started listening bc i was going nuts in there and got released on day 21

Thank you so much for writing about your experience. My bf is in a psych ward right now and with no way to contact him in over a week, reading this at least helped me understand what he possibly could be going through everyday. It's weird that I would find this comforting, I guess it's the unknown that can sometimes be the scariest. He was able to call me on the first day but then his phone privileges were taken away and I have to wonder if they can or did listen to our convo. Again, very grateful for your story.

I read all of your story. It was so interesting as i am contimplating checking myself in, I am also an 18 year old female. Also very glad youre still alive. Please dont ever harm yourself. I use to and ive also attempted and i promise things always get better, at the time you will think the exact opposite but please, wait a year and look back and see how far youve come, see how much you wouldve missed just over that year and realise that life is not somethig to throw away and that there is always someone worse off, i hope you get all the help you need and have a long, beautiful, happy life.

You sound so mature, so lovely. I read you whole story. How I wish you didn't feel the way you feel... I see so many beautiful people who hate themselfs and punish themselfs for how they look, mostly because of someones cruel words... and I see some people who aren't pretty at all but act like they are princesses and kings and all that. Please don't harm yourself. From your "novel" as you call it :) I can tell you have an amazing kind heart and a beautiful spirit and I do believe you are pretty!!! Hugs & I wish you all the best ~ :)

If you are voluntarily or involuntarily admitted to a mental institution, does that effect you for life in terms of job applications. Is it in the legal system, or known by the government or is there anonymity to it? Do you have to anyone about it, including employers, etc.

Sorry I didn't read word for word the whole thing, towards the end I started skimming but I can relate to a lot of this. some part of me liked being in the psych ward too, because everyone was like you and their world was different than the outside world. You don't even have any responsibilities either either, they feed you and you have a place to sleep every night. I have been 4 times until I turned 17 I got put into a program for 9 months. Which was like a combination of jail/boarding school/mental hospital. that was actually bad. the rules were wayyy more strict and we were all on lockdown. I laughed about the running away and escaping part because I did that too. I got pretty far though, I ended up in the next town but ended up turning myself in bcuz I realized I would be homeless and it was winter and I was cold and just wanted to be in a warm bed. yea pussied out haha. but also looking at your username and default picture, which I noticed was elfin lied (i love that anime XD) and I feel the same way about my youth, it was taken away from me since my mother sent me away so many times and that last program I went to completely robbed me of my last and final days of being young and carefree. anyway feel free to message me! seems like we share this in common

Ty for reading any of it at all :) I'm curious, just how bad was the program you got put through? Are you in the U.S.? (and yes isn't Elfen Lied wonderful? ;) )

Haha it was like a boarding school with military based standards and rules. reform school if thats the right word. there was no talking it was an all girls school, you couldn't shave, you had use the bathroom with the door open, we took timed freezing cold 5 minit showers everyday you had uniforms and we walked in straight lines and did head counts counted through every door way and we couldn't cross our legs, we had to ask for permission before we could do anything even sit or stand, you were completely isolated from the world no outside contact from anybody not even your parents, the list goes on, I'd be sitting here all day if I told you everything, for some people it was actually beneficial for others it just sucked haha

Did others watch you going to the bathroom or in the shower? What was your uniform? What would happen if you didn't ask permission?

Hope got to stay in conctact with the girl swapped #'s with~ I not been in a mental hosp, ward myself, mom has tho for depression, closest thing I done to that is military bootcamp xD but am SURE the same applies for you, for getting thru such a predicament of being able to look back and seeing How you adapted and over come to make the best of things. NOT EASY to do for a person without any other anxieties or issues and they crack. Kudos to you~!!! and feel free to add me and yap about whatever =3 Points you points-out made for a interesting read....gunna click thru your other stuff (=

I read your entire story and let me say you are a very strong girl to go through all that. I have friends just like you who have been in a mental hosp or have similar problems. You said you wanted people to pray for you well let me tell you something, I'll pray for you. There is a higher power in this world that will be with you. Also know that this stranger cares for people like you. People like you have played a big part in my life so know that you have another friend. If you want more then my prayers, you can talk to me anytime I'm on. I may not understand what your feeling but I can understand your situation and be there for you.

Thank you for your kind words

No problem. I hate a lot about this world but I like people like you because people like you tend to be real about things. There are so many fake people in this world that complain about fake meaningless problems. People like you or I tend to have real problems and there is no shame in having someone to talk to or help with.

The last time I was in the hospital I started at the Greenville County E.R. holding ward where you had to stay in your bed at all times except to go to the bathroom and they never had enough orderlies to go with you for a shower. And my doctor in Patrick B. Harris Hospital had such a bad doctor-patient abilities you knew exactly why he was a doctor working in a mental hospital instead of making a lot more in private practice. He keep yelling at me even at the hearing in front of a Probate Judge so I could go home. Still my family is not ashamed of my for being bi-polar so that is a blessing from the Lord.<br />
<br />
Please add me as an EP Friend if you would like to do that.

Ohh man, they didn't have to be with us when we were on the showers or none of that unless we wanted to shave...that's messed buddy Ur doc sounds like an @sshole

ehmm.. unsure what to say. <br />
i wouldn't have survived if i was you. <br />
you are a brave girl

Thanks buddy, glad to know I have some redeeming quality ;)

you sure do!
"knowing self" there lies the secret that have inspired men/ women to create history.

Thank you very much for sharing your story. I really do hope that you get that miracle that you wished for.


Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you are hanging on and still trying. I am sorry things were so bad for you.

A lengthy story, however it keep me interested and intrigued throughout. Your writing is very detailed and organized. Hopefully you will be able to overcome this and continue on.......

Thanks so much for reading! And I'm trying...

I'm glad that you are still alive. I hope you find something to hang on to when the bad times come. (Do you know "Red Hill Mining Town" by U2?) But it is also clear that you are very smart, and I wonder what broader fr<x>amework you use for situating your life. Do you believe in fate, or in karma? Do you think that a "God" planned out your life? Or do you think the Universe itelf nothing but a series of random, meaningless events?<br />
I think the answers we give to questions like these can have a profound effect on our mental lives.

Thx for reading and no I don't know that song. I think karma happens, I dunno bout fate. If god planned out my life then he is a sadistic bastard. The universe may very well be random and meaningless events, but I don't really believe that either.

Wow(: I really really enjoyed reading about what happened. I thought it was really sad, but it was very detailed and interesting. Im sorry that this happened and you really should think about becoming a writer:)...

Awww Ty, I can't believe so many ppl are taking the time to read this and although I do not consider this a well written piece, I do love to write. :)

I read the whole thing too. It's a really good insight into how it feels to be admitted. I hope you start to find more strength in yourself. You are genuinely amazing and you would be surprised how much people care. Hey, don't do that thing you were talking about at the end. Even though life is hard, with every passing year we become softer with ourselves and life becomes richer. I remember how hard those teenage years were and, man oh man, how close to the edge I was. I am mostly glad I got to hang around. I have had love twice, had the chance to fulfil my dreams. Good luck xx

Thanks for reading my lengthy story, I'm trying to take in your kind words. Still have some hope for a miracle

Usually I would quit a story that was half this long but I read the whole thing. It was fascinating and an amazing story. It sounds like you went through alot of pain there. I have felt like I had all those issues you mentioned in a much milder form. I hope you are able to get better from this. You seem like a wonderful person just unable to relate well to this society.

Thx for reading and taking time out of your day, how sweet. Yes Ty I know I'm a good person on the inside, I wish everyone could Just see that.

A rare thing for me to read something this long on EP. I usually zone out reading the first few sentences. I guess today is your lucky day for someone like me to read all that. I'm bad with grammar myself so I couldn't tell what mistakes you made with your writing but I was able to comprehend you story. Anyways, interesting experience you went through. I'm curious to know the motive behind all that of harming yourself or having suicidal thoughts. I think you did hint one out but I'm not quite sure. Maybe there is something more to it. You seem like a bright person and yet going through big issues. Thanks for sharing. Live strong.

Thanks so much for reading my ridiculously long story, how kind of you. The motive is that I "supposedly" have BDD. Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's when you see yourself much differently than everyone else sees you.For instance, when I look in the mirror I cry uncontrollably, immediately want to hurt myself or commit suicide, or want to tear my face off(literally) all because I think I am deformed or ugly. People tell me it's not so, I guess I will never really know the truth, whether people are lying to me or I really do have the disease, I really couldn't tell ya. Alls I know is that it's so bad that I would trade it for anything, even being raped or tortured. And that's the terrible truth. Thx for your comment

Ah...I figured it had to do with your physical appearance that triggered it. When did you start feeling like this? Or did you have like a tragic event that happen to you in the past? This disorder seems to bother you the most. I'm sorry you feel that way to yourself and hope you overcome your sensitivity.