Where My Mind Is At

Yeah ive been a bunch of times and starting with the first time till the last i got progressively worse everytime i went. I guess most of it was learned behavior or stuff that id impulsively do cause i felt like it. Like standing up on the bathroom counter. I never take my meds in the mental hospital and so since my second hospitalization ive recieved anti psychotic med injectables. Court ordered. its not fun but my behavior warrants it at the time plus im very stubborn so theres really no talking to me. Ive done a lot of crazy stuff off meds like calling 911 and pulling fire alarms. Im usually in though for suicide and psychotic behavior. And i come up with new ways to hurt myself. One time i even found a razor which i had to get ***** searched for. my last visit was two weeks ago. my therapist took me from group to the regular er were i was transfered. I would slap myself repeatedly in the face cause the voices told me i needed to be punished. I also was on a one to one the whole time cause i threatened to jump off a counter in the room. Which wasnt to bad i got my own room and i talked to the staff all day some of them were really nice some of them were jerks. Being in the hospital this time i contracted something called cellulitus. A skin infection that im still dealing with currently. It was because i was always getting shots. My suggestion to anyone new to a mental hospital is to suck up to everybody itll get you out faster. When i first got out i felt at peace until a couple days when a friend ditched me in church now my mind is back to suicide and i wish someone would take me back even if its not the best place for me to be and i dont want to be there