St Anthony's

its sucked they put me in long term and the only reason i got out was because my mom loved me and i begged her to. i wanted to be hoome and since then thats all my mom throws up in my face. i hate that fact. 

UPDATE:BUT except for my mom's sly comments that have a thorn in them and her words about me losing weight things have been okay. i have wanted to kill myself the last 2 months OR drop out of school. i just dont wanna face the world anymore. i dont wanna hear about a kid getting raped n killed.

my life always just feels like everyday is a living torture in hell but i know in reality its just my life. more like my personal slice of hell though. i am always cowering in fear and awaiting the day that i will finally finish what i have tried to do multiple times: end my lonely poverty-stricken life. im tired of being stressed out,lonely,misunderstood,and so f-ing poor. the sad thing is that my family is about to like be living on the street but my family still cant get emergency food stamps and money from the welfare we have to wait 1 more month and live and do without alot of food until we can even get regular food stamps and we might not even get that. my life is perpetually fcked up to a point to where almost everydqay im think about how i could kill myself. my shoulders feel weighed down with worries and my families money problems and sometimes so much more.i know i might seem selfish but in reality im not. its because all i have to really worry about is me and my family.(ma,lil bro,big sis, and me) WE HAVE NOONE TO HELP US IN OUR TIME OF NEED. we are alone in this world. im in High School 10th grade the yrs almost over and i already wanna drop out of school. is that bad? i dont know anything anymore i feel like a nobody. i feel invisible and i feel like pretty soon i feel like i will be totally forgotten and noone will remember me just like i keep forgetting important things and memories in my life. i just wanna fall into a deep dark hole and never climb out, NEVER COME TO THE SURFACE to face the horrors of this world. I WANT TO DIE SO THAT I MAY NEVER HAVE TO FACE MY WORRIES,THOUGHTS,AND REALITY AGAIN! I DONT WANNA WATCH THE NEWS AND HEAR A BABY WAS DROWNED BY ITS MAMA, I DONT WANNA GO TO SLEEP HEARING GUN SHOTS! I DONT WANNA LIVE IN THIS FCKED UP WORLD! I WANNA DIE OKAY? Im sick of walking thru the world covered in shadows and shame. im sick of hearing the whispers about me as i walk thru the hall ways at my high school. im sick of being put down by the skinny rich mexican and white b!tches and d!cks. im sick of seeing the dissapointment and tears and stress and sadness on my ma's face everyday and knowing NOONE cares about us. i just wanna give up and die because i know this is all my life will ever be. MY LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE HARD AND I WILL ALWAYS SRUGGLE CUZ NOONE CARES ABOUT MY WHITE POOR FAMILY AND ME ALL PPL WANT TO HELP IN OKLAHOMA ARE DIFFERENT MINORITIES NEVER THE WHITES THEY ALL THINK WE ARE JUST CRACKHEADS AND BUMS WHEN MY FAMILY ISNT.....so forget me, forget my story, forget my words, forget i ever existed, forget my family, forget i ever went to school, misplace my records and lose my birth certificate in the government system....forget the AMERICA'S DIRTY SECRET! FORGET THERE ARE PPL IN AMERICA DOING WITHOUT EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE WORKING EVERYDAY OF THEIR LIFE JUST GO BACK TO EATING UR STEAK AND DRINKING YOUR EXPENSIVE CHAMPANGE, FORGET US AS U WEAR UR $100 DOLLAR PANTS AND SHIRTS, FORGET US AS U PLAY AT THE COUNTRY CLUB AND TALK NONSENSE, FORGET ABOUT AMERICA'S DIRTY SECRET WHEN YOU BUY UR $100,000 DOLLAR CARS, FORGET PEOPLE IN AMERICA LIVE WITH NOTHING WHILE YOU ARE LIVING WITH EVERYTHING OR MAYBE WAY BETTER THAN THEY ARE......IF YOU DARE FOLLOW ME TO THE LAND OF SORROW AND POVERTY AND TEARS AND THRIFT STORES AND SEARCH THRU THE FAST FOOD DUMPSTERS FOR FOOD then come WITH ME AND LIVE MY LIFE IN MY SHOES.

 

IF U READ ALL THIS U KNOW THAT I AM BITTER N SICK OF LIFE

~SAD SMILE~

lilfallenangel lilfallenangel
18-21, F
2 Responses May 23, 2007

Me again lil-angel,...thats powerful writing,...and from simple things,(eg. words)..big things can grow.... The trap of poverty,...is more than just no food,.or money..... its that sense of anguish ,..which becomes bewildering,....so that we essentially become 'lost in the chaos'....... .Its hard to see a way out........but from your writings comes a ray of hopeful light,... They whisper as you pass,...maybe,.....but i sense you have a power,....perhaps borne from adversity,.....which can carry way more weight ,.than any whispers......You don't need much to write...(pen/paper).......only something to say.......... ..Anyway,...just thoughts....but i sense potential there.........School is good to finish.....hopefully pass year ten,.....then leave early if you like,... Using youth to advantage,.....for maybe some kinda trainee position...journalism maybe......If you present yourself with all the goodwill you can muster,....i'm sure theres a chance for you somewhere......one small start could make all the difference,......and yes,..keep discussing it here,....cos between us all is a lotta experience/ideas...........Avoid the news,...dwelling on the dark side......its designed to depress people,..so they shop more...xx

Oh my poor little one. I don't have daughters, just sons, but I was a daughter once and I know what it feels like to not be able to control your emotions. I still have a lot of trouble. Anytime you need a mom figure, just write me. okay??