Why I Was There

It wasn't too long ago, I was ill, they said. Constantly told I was ill.

When I was 15, I had these thoughts of death for a while, I thought it was from scary movies I had seen, but they were persistant and never went away. My mom took me to our family doctor for a regular checkup and it was about getting a shot. I was never afraid to get them till that moment. I remember getting up and trying to dash out the door when some guy nurse like grabbed me. I was screaming (and making a huge scene) and crying. Something told me to jump and go, something told me that no one was trustable. My mom immediatly suspected something was wrong and the doctor gave her a few names. Of course we went to one of the phsychiatrists, he was an older man, rather nice but could be mean if he wanted. He asked me how i thought of life, i asnswerd with 'not too sure what its about yet'. He went on with this convo, and it got deeper. He asked if i thought about suicide and killing anyone. It was like my brain was gone and I was a new person, I said 'yeah, me and maybe my sister.'.

He told my parents and said a few good hospitals or pshyc wards. My parents weren't too sure if it was beliveable, but he assured them I was 'unsafe and unfit to be around my sister.'

They took me to some hospital that was kinda out in nowhere land, none of my friends needed to know they said. I wasn't bothered if they knew or not.

Whenwe arrived, there were two orderlies at the door, I was scared as hell. I remember grabbing my mom and crying. They pulled me off my mom and it went downhill fro there.

I started to scream and cry even more cause she walked away. She couldn't walk away from me I was tihnking. It was like everything was getting closer and I felt like I would throw up everywhere. I felt small and like nothing. A nurse came by and just tried to assure me that I was gonna be fine and they wanted to help me. I started to shake and scream at her that there was nothing wrong with me and I was fine.

It was like the SWAT team was called inm or something. The nurse walked out and 3 or 4 or maybe more oderlies ran into the room I was in and immidatly pulled me to the floor, I was screaming cause I knew what was next, they pulled my longsleeve shirt up and I could clearly see what was going on. I started to scream and try to throw myself, but they were strong, really strong.

The nurse jabbed some valuem into my arm and I was crying. The ordelies held me on the floor for like 20 minutes or so,or atleast till I stopped screaming. They picked me up and took me to this room that had a single bed and I saw these brown things, which were restraints I could barely see that.

They placed me on the bed and pulled the restraints tight, but half loose. A nurse was sitting in the room the whole time, checking to see how my circulation went, making sure if I was breathing and such.

It was about 2 or so hours later and they took them off and walked me to this room. It was like a blueish grey colour, I was sitting on an exam table and just scared. The same phsyciatrist came in and he talked to me. He explained what was going on in my head and he said I'd be here for a while or as long as it takes.

I belive it was near 4 weeks later when I was had my next big problem. I was pissed off at whatever, my hair or something maybe. A nurse came in with this lil cup of pills and some water. Well I didn't want those pills and I threw them of the tray and just left the water.She shook her head and walked out. I sat on my bed and held my stuffed rabbit and looked blantly at the walls like I was a stone. Soon the door like busted open and again, tere were those guys and they looked extremely mad or something. They insted of shoving to te floor, put me on my bed and held my arms and legs really tight. I got panicy and started to cry, okay more like scream-cry. The nurse came back with this syringe and the nurse pulled my shirt up and jabbed my hip, and I was like pushing against the ordelies arms with my legs so, the pain was about a thousand times more intense. The orderlies pretty much carried me to that one room again, I tried to struggle, but it made me seem worse then I was. They again, pulled the restrains tight and left, the nurse sat there with her dumb book or whatever and just shook her head some more.

I was awake most of the time and we had some kind of conversation. She asked if I had a boyfriend, I told her no. No one would be around me, I as a freak to them or something. Pretty much the rest is a blank memory of that.

Within tat same week, my sister was with me. Well in the same room with  bunch of guys ready to attack. We were laughing and such untill she said someone knew. I begged hre to tell me, of course she did that immature 'oh somebody'. I wanted to know. I started to panic a bit and then she said it was this kid Matt. Some kid I've lways liked and who would like a instituinalized insane girl? He wouldn't. I got up and just attacked her, I punched her in her rib not super hard, but hard enough to make her cry.

Those guys were ontop of me like flys on butter or whatever that metaphor is, and she was screaming, I was yelling at her that she better have been lying and she was. The nurse later told me.

Instead of being put in restraints, they took me to this room where there was just a matress on the floor. I bitched at myself for the time in there. They let me out and I jsut watched tv.

Around the 9th week, we had some therapy session and kids were crying, talking and whining. I was just listening, as I've done for the longest time being there. My doctor told my parents I had improved a real lot. Enough to the point where I could go home.

So, I've been home since, and I'm doing well. Been taking the meds, and I've nothit my sister since. So, the expericence was good for me. I needed some time to think alone and take my actions as I made them.

HelpedOne332 HelpedOne332
18-21, F
1 Response Jun 7, 2007

I get the feeling you left out a lot of details because u went through a lot more than you needed to. I hope you are doing better and find a local church to attend and seek out good people you can relate to. God Bless