Acceptance

I am a diagnosed BiPolar II. And also dual diagnosis with many other associated types of dissorders, anxiety-panic-border personality-etc.

 

 I was diagnosed at 16 but went off meds at about 18. I am now 31 and only last year have sought help for these issues. Am still a run-away coaster half the time and my manic phases are rapid and harsh, usually leaving me exhausted and bottomed out for days in the aftermath of the cycles. making it hard since I am now a mother of two.

The birth of my second daughter 14 months ago is what made me finally seek help from someone and something else than my own self medication. Have been hospitalized on 3 occasions this year alone.

I hate waking up everyday and never knowing exactly who I am goin to be today. Or for the next few minutes for that matter. Its just vicious and seemingly never ending. I personally have not been able to come to terms with it all. I know whats happening, and understand it, but not really wanting to believe that I am that ****** up. 

I also know that I inherited this from my father and mothers sides of the family. My father committed suicide 5 years ago due to his untreated illness and this is my biggest fear for myself. What keeps me going.... my children. And knowing the pain of having a parent give up on life and not being there for them in thier lives. Leaving them feeling that they werent worth fighting for and not enough of a reason to continue on. I dont want to ever be that selfish. Or allow this thing to over take me and win.

So I guess slowly and steadily I will continue to do what I can to accept and deal with my cycles on a daily basis. Even if its a minute by minute battle.

KarmaKatcher KarmaKatcher
31-35, F
3 Responses Jun 18, 2007

Your word are so true. Thank you.

I hate waking up everyday and never knowing exactly who I am goin to be today. Or for the next few minutes for that matter<br />
<br />
This is my life!!!! <br />
Just how you said it!!!<br />
I feel your hurt. I just got on meds last week. I dont hate myself as much. I think they need to up my dose. I also am afraid about leaving my family behind if I kill myself.(I have twin boys 11 months they are my yummy monkeys and a girl 12 and sassy and another boy 9 who is a doll ) Im a cutter and I know where to cut just some times my rage is just too out of control and I cut way too deep.Im getting better with that I love my scars and I know why with each one why they're there. All we can do is take it one day at a time one step at at time there is no other way for us.

You sound like you have the strength to fight it, good luck.