Troubled Adolescent & Still Struggling At Times

I attempted suicide twice during my teen years. I went to a mental home after the second attempt. I was there for approximately two weeks. It wasn’t too bad (it seemed like it was at the time, but it really wasn’t)… It was mainly irritating because it was so structured (they told me when to wake up, when and what to eat, and I had no privacy). I also had to undergo a lot of therapy and psychological tests… I still have (lots) of problems, but I haven’t felt suicidal in a long time. I tried to kill myself because I was extremely depressed and hopeless… I still get moderately depressed at times, but my main problem is now anxiety and a slightly skewed view of reality - at least that’s the conclusion I’ve final come to after coming to understanding that mental healthy friends perceive events differently than I do.  My entire family has mental issues so I didn’t figure this out until moving away from home and my family’s influence - my uncle was bipolar, my brother is schizophrenic, and there’s something wrong with my mom (not sure what, but like me, she's off in the head but just sane enough to function in society albeit not in a full or normal capacity)… I have severe social anxiety at times… I automatically think the worst of people a lot of the time i.e. I think they don’t like me, are out to get me in some way (usually out to humiliated or judge me), etc. I’m a pessimist big time. I know its irrational thinking, but I automatically get such thoughts at times… I don’t think I’m schizophrenic (I was never diagnosed as such at least and don’t seem as troubled as my brother). Plus I have been functional (i.e. been able to have a job and/or go to college except for a few brief spells), but I probably have some mild version of a related disorder….  I really have to catch my self before my irrational thoughts get the better of me… It’s a constant struggle, but I’m doing better now than in the past. I’ve been on meds before (for depression and anxiety), but I’m not right now. They either don’t help or kill my sex life… Plus they’re too expensive, and although it is difficult, I manage to get by without them.  To anybody out there, keep fighting your mental illness.  If you must, take your meds.  Don't give up...  It does get better!
PerpetualStudent PerpetualStudent
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 11, 2007

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Writing letters to let it all out and tearing them up is a good idea. I should try it. I have tried the journal off and on. You're right, it does help... The awareness probably comes from lots of therapy and years of introspection. Awareness helps but isn't a cure.<br />
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Do I want to get better? Partly yes, and partly no, I guess... I guess anytime you change, then you can't be the same, right? You have to give up some perceptions to really buy into others, I guess... :)

hmm .. u seem v conscious actually .. posibly that u kno who n what u r or r atleast able to expres how u feel about urself n etc .. thats .. (my opinion) a preddy good sign ..<br />
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i dunno bout medication .. iv neva been on hectic stuf prescribed, i kno internally, thats where the med is .. deep down inside the bits of my "soul" thing .. n kinda God put it there, from the beginning omg im sounding odd .. no im not relly .. God plays a major role in my life, infact currently im wondering how to develop or better our relationship ..<br />
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wait the subject is u .. *lol* .. u sed u have to catch urself b4 ur irrational goes too far .. thats preddy sane relly . not that not sane is not better .. but ur v conscious ..<br />
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typical things that help ? .. diaries, blogging, writing nasty feeling letters then tearin em up n burning em, praying .. soz it duz help ..i say soz coz lots of ppl dont want God to be their answer (the whole weakness rubbish, i was there b4) .. um jus blah away here relly .. even repitiously .. i found if u write a diray, n thank the universe for 3 different things a day or week even, tehy can be silly, but it helps ..<br />
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would u try it and would u let me know if it helps even just a bit ? ..<br />
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i cant relly kno the future, but i feel or think or analyze that ul b ok or better than ok .. thats alredy goodo eh ? :)<br />
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the other thing is .. do u want to be ok or better ? *curious*