My Pain, Story

I have always had this awful feeling, one that I couldn't point to, one that made me think that I was crazy, I was imagining it, I've had a rough life, I won't go into details, but I have a very high pain tolerance because of my misfortune, I have lived with the feeling for 19 years, every day I thought of suicide to escape the pain, but I wanted to be stronger than that, so I held on, searching...searching for anything that would make the terrible feeling go away, I was strong at the beginning, but it wore me down, the feeling got worse and worse with everyday that it ate inside of me, I crawled out of the depressions I often fell into myself, I am not stupid, I never tried anything that would make my problems worse but somehow I kept getting into physically agonizing situations, so many times I screamed in my head for the pain to stop, so many times I asked for help but no one knew what to do, somehow I kept myself together through it all, I don't know how, no one knew the extent of my pain, my agony, tears run at the thought, finally when I hit rock bottom and decided nothing was worth all this pain, not heaven, not life, not love, I broke, everything in me shattered, and I finally tried to secure my dark painless dream, I went for pills, ones that would make me fall asleep peacefully, I hate pain, if I had a gun I would have used that way, I traveled a long hard journey looking for anything, one last hope, but I hit a dead end, a beautiful place, a sad thought 'this is a nice place to die', I took the pills and for a few minutes I felt relief, but it was short lived, they first made me sick, but I kept them down, then the pain started, I was in agony for two hours waiting for the painless sleep, before I broke again and thought that the pills weren't gonna work, I looked for help and found it, they called an ambulance and finally the pills started to make me sleepy, but then the ambulance arrived and I was forced to stay awake, I have never felt so tired but I had to stay awake, I went to the "looney bin" and accepted that somehow someway they would have to have some kind of cure, month passed, they let me out, but nothing had changed, the desire for suicide was still etched with the two hours of agony, I had follow ups, they gave me an anxiety med, it dented the awful feeling, so they upped the dose, and just like that, I was cured

I had more energy, happiness was now more than something I dreamed about, I don't know why I had to go through such pain, there were times I wish I had gone crazy just to justify the pain, I am a new person, better, more love, zero stress, now that I have this perspective of what normal feels like, I have clarity, I had panic attacks all the time, my anxiety level was near "my life is in danger" when I was doing normal things, no reason for me to feel this way, other than I just did, bad godd**m luck

If Hell is as dante describes, than I must have had a piece stuck in me, the only difference is that at least in Hell, I wouldn't have suffered alone, so alone, my Hell may not have been eternal, but in the moments of agony it seems that way, and through it all I thought it would never end, damned before I was born, thought I would die, a lonely man, in endless night

But mercy, day has broke, the air never tasted so good, I am discovering myself without the thorn in my back, I feel Purgatory, I have the strength to climb the mountain, I have the love to make it worthwhile, I thought I was weak, but now I am strong I can become stronger, unbreakable, I could never hope for this, and now I only hope for redemption, I am happy

But I will never forget my Hell, I don't know why I had to experience it, I don't know what I could have done to deserve it, tears of joy fall as I write this and remember, the scars cover my soul and I know they will stay forever
Just1a1nameless1soul Just1a1nameless1soul
Dec 2, 2012