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I Have Been Unfaithful For 11 Years

I met this bloke at church, he was a friend of my manager. Things changed when my manager had to go overseas for 3 months and I had to act on her position. I needed someone to give me support which I wasn't getting from my husband and he was there and he kept checking of how I was almost more than 3 times a day; in the morning when I come to the office during the day and before I leave the office he would check how the day went.

We got close through those calls, we even discussed our family challenges. Since I was working far from home and my husband never visited me on weekdays, he even took more than 100km drive to come and check or even bring me some stuff which I needed from town. It went on like that for about 3 months and we soon realized that we spent more time together than it should be and we are becoming more intimate with each other.

It went on like that and we kept our secret from everyone. My marriage and his were slowly going down the drain. Blinded by love and all he was to me I never thought our relationship was the cause of all the dis-satisfactions at home. I had a well paying job, took kids to boarding schools and life was good outside home. My husband was busy with his own thing on the other hand which I didn't care or bothered to know what they were. He used his money the way he desired and still demanded some financial support from me, all this did not worry me because I  had my secret lover who made me happy.

After 11 years of sneaking out and realizing that my marriage was irretrievable and the financial situation was getting worse day by day. I asked for a separation just to take a break and think things through. My secret lover was with me and supportive all the way. It's been 2 years now of separation and the divorce is dragging. Sometimes I feel I contributed a lot to the fall and my secret love as well. In all the ups and downs of my marriage he would keep on advising me not to leave and talked some sense to my confused mind but I still feel he is not innocent.

I'm confused and I feel some betrayal from his side. He is still happily married while I'm going through a divorce. We have been together for 13 years now but I have mixed emotions about the relationship. Should I continue with it after divorce or take a break and find myself again. At the age of 46 its difficult to find an honest partner. I'm lost
kindness1114 kindness1114 46-50, F 11 Responses Oct 2, 2011

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I can't say everything is well but life is not as bad as I thought after divorce. Have been divorced for 13 months now. I ended the relationship with 'my lover' but we are still friends. When it comes to the matters of the heart, promise you I'm not lucky at all.

I wonder how things worked out for you in the end, I mean you wrote this in 2011, hope all is well

Well, he is guilty (aka: Not innocent) because he participated in the affair with you... but he was only as complicit as you allowed... he wouldn't have been a part at all had you not entertained it... so you can't blame him blame him. You brought him in. And him, happily married? Well, sure, he has a lover and a wife, but clearly the marriage isn't happy or else he wouldn't have you. You have to decide if you always want to be a mistress... or if you want someone for you. What are you happy with?
And yes, you contributed to the failure of the marriage... where your treasure is (your lover) there your heart will be also (Not with your husband or marriage). Its life. Its sad. Live, learn and move on. You're not alone in this. We try to "medicate" ourselves by finding what will make us happy.

Marriage, love, sex are all different emotions. No marriage is perfect and one cannot have what we desire in a marriage. So there will always be somethings which we have to look outside marriage, be it love, sex, friendship, soul mate...

I am in a sexless marriage and when my wife suggested "find someone else for that" I did once. The problem is - I am interested in long term relationship and my fling wanted me to marry her. I learned that I need to find out if my marriage can be fixed or if I need to divorce and move on. If confronting and counseling does not work, after divorce, there are on line dating sites that can help screen and find one's soulmate. Wishing you and me good luck dealing with our lack of love marriages!

I think a time out would be good for you right now, it will let you get some clarity on the matter and then you can decide whats best for you and your family.

I'm go out with friends and my girls, haven't found anyone for a relationship.

Just depends if you think he's actually going to leave his wife or are you going to be playing 2nd fiddle in this relationship and are you OK with that. I think you need to spend some time by yourself and get some clarity on the situation.

I have given myself time to think about the whole situation. as much as I love him I don't also want to be the second fiddle in the relationship. I have taken some time out.

If your marriage is byond repair and in my opinion this lover of yours is not going to leave his wife then you need to take some time on your own. You were right about one thing though taking a lover instead of trying to fix your marriage is a major reason why the marriage went south.

I have often asked myself the same thing. I think once I get my divorce, I will still stay in contact with my boyfriend while also start dating. My boyfriend is also my bestfriend. I couldn't just drop him because my situation changed. I have such a great time with him, I would have to fall deeply in love with someone else to stop our affair.<br />
I guess what I'm saying is continue your affair if t makes you feel good. Don't expect him to leave his wife, and if you love him, don't do anything to disrupted his life with his wife. Start dating, if he loves you he will understand.

M 46: I agree. Have fun together. Too much depression in this world. Feel good about yourself. Don't drive yourself crazy. Just enjoy life.

If he is in a "happy marriage" then why would he be having the affair with you? You deserve to have a full time lover if he is not willing to be that for you then I would start looking for someone who could be your full time lover. <br />
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Good luck and I hope you find your happily ever after.

Taking the decision to leave was not easy and I have been on separation for 2 years now. Honestly I have never regretted my decision. My question is with the man I have an affair with. Should I stay on the relationship on not.