Ball N Chain Bipolar

Bipolar2 IS my ball & chain. It has dogged my life with serious suicide attempts from the age of 14 to 47. I consider myself lucky if I feel 'normal' more than 2weeks at a time. Fear, anxiety, depression are what I live with constantly.  Medication is always being 'tweaked' as each of a succession of docs adds their personal ideas. Who else but a fellow sufferer could understand depression so awful that death seems like a welcome answer? months at a time struggling to wash, dress cleanhouse, shop, even eat. Then suddenly , a few days reprieve, becoming active, clean,capable,industrious, wondering how it was possible to ever have felt so awful. Then. wham, out of nowhere depression, fear & worthlesness strike again. No continuity in life. Statring out as such an intelligent high achiever, with a life full of promise. Never realising this ball & chain would destroy all relationships, career prospects,ultimately almost life itself. It never goes away. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. No cure, only endless rounds of medication, depression,loss of hope,despair. With small glimpses of sunshine inbetween. That's my Ball n chain.

rhond rhond
46-50, F
2 Responses May 19, 2011

I've felt the same too. I don't know what "normal" looks like. Always changing meds, adding meds, increasing meds and never getting anywhere for any length of time. Which just makes it all the more depressing. We need to hang in there and support/share with each other and hopefully go from existence to living. HUUUUUGS TO EVERYONE.

You have just described me! I also started as a high achiever with a life full of promise. I feel robbed especially when I look around me and most of my contemporaries have achieved their potential and I seem to be stuck in this living hell for the last ten years. Medication doesn't seem to work. I am now on Lamictal and hoping this gives me some relief from my symptoms. No continuity in anything in my life. Dealing with the puzzlement and frustration of people have seen my work (but either don't know or understand how disabling this condition is), wondering why I haven't achieved more and thinking that I must be lazy or have wasted years since university. (I'm an artist). Friends have moved on, relationships have failed and career opportunities have been lost. I HATE this affliction. This is not a life. It is an existence.