When My Doctor Told I Had Bp Illness

he said there is no cure for it, only treatments. I felt defeated and powerless. I went into denial for a couple of years, and stopped taking my meds the Spring after I was hospitalized because I started to feel much better. I later learned that I felt happier because I had been psychotically depressed all Fall and Winter. Naturally Spring Fever improved my mood drastically so I thought I no longer needed the anti-psychotics. I was actually entering a manic phase which took me to new, frightening "heights" and I ended up in to the psyche ward again that August. The same end occured the following year, except with psychotic depression. That's when they put me on Lithium carbonate, ( which I faithfully used for 17 years.)  I've been medication-compliant for nearly 30 years, but I still don't like taking meds. I am taking more now than ever since the illness became sever Schizo-Affective Disorder and continues to worsten with time. I don't like to too pay attention to my meds so I hide them in my bathroom cupboards so others won't see them. It's a way of feeling "normal" and a form of denial I pracitce about needing them, relying on them. I don't want them to control my life or become my identity. I don't want to be thought of as "sick". But the truth is, I often feel sick and the doctor can't always find the best mix of meds for my worsening symptoms. The "Kindling Effect" causes my illness to surface even easier every time I become acutely ill.

I didn't sign up for this disease. It signed me up.

Mental illness is a cruel taskmaster. Its whip cracks and I can't always get out of its way in time, so suffer the lick. I just try my best to stay ahead by using all the tools I've learned.

RubyTewes RubyTewes
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2009

Keep trying your best. Do your really believe there is a kindling effect.
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In 1999, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar 1 after a severe brain injury. Took the meds for about 2 years, but felt like a total Zombie, Didn't smile, laugh, cry, NOTHING. Just felt numb. So, I quit the meds and quit going to the dr. About 6 months ago, after an attempted suicide with a gun...I was diagnosed with BP 2. Now, I take my meds faithfully. Have gained 45 pounds and still have days I think of "checking out". I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss my "highs"...days and days of energy and happiness!

Yep. Psychiatry is not a an exact science. It's easy to geel like a guiny pig. My med regimine is adjusted a few times each year. My prescriber always titrates my meds to minimize withdrawl symptoms, which can be hellish. <br />
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St times I want to work with my dr. to waean me off all of my meds just to see if I am happier without them, or at least to discover which ones I no longer need. Alas, I don't have time to experiment nor do i have teh money to check myself into a hospital where my responses can be observed and recorded by an ob<x>jective staff. the regimine I'm on is working well well right now, except I'm experienceing Spring fever. usually my antidepressant meds are reduced in Spring to compensate for the natural improvement in my mood, then increased again in Fall to adust for seasonal affective disorder, and so on.. <br />
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I took the free NAMI Peer-to-Peer Recovery Course and it helped my learn tools to improve my mental health and I met many people like myself who are navigating the fascinating paths to wellness. Drugs can be helpful, but are not a panacea. Thank goodness for EP as well. :) <br />
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Best wishes to you for better health and a fruitful pursuit of happiness.