I Am Not Bipolar, I Have Bipolar

I want to start by explaining my story title. If you have Diabetes you are not Diabetes, you have Diabetes. Similarly I am not Bipolar, I have Bipolar. My story starts when I was very young, so I have no idea if I was born with Bipolar, or just developed it later. I can remember being very young and feeling as I do today, so who really knows except for the fact that I have Bipolar now. I have always been a little off, but I have also had a lot happen to me. When I was 10 my mom fell off a horse on Thanksgiving day and got extremely bad brain damage. She had to live in a rehabilitation hospital from that point on. She died 6 years later on Christmas day from cervical cancer. About 6 months after her brain damage my real father, whom she was divorced from and lived in another state, died from a brain aneurysm. My stepfather who was her husband at the time of her accident then moved another woman and her kids into our house while my mother lied in the hospital from brain damage. My mothers side of the family then hated my stepdad. My grandma called me every week and my stepdad and his evil girlfriend hated my grandma and treated me like crap. My stepdad's real son was my brother and we acted as such. We were very close. The tension between my grandma and my stepdad grew to the point that they made me decide to live with my grandma (my mothers mom) and never speak to them again (including my brother who I was very close with) or to live with them and never speak to my grandmother again. My stepdad and his evil girlfriend were physically and verbally abusive to me and I was already thinking of running away when this decision came upon me, but how could I leave my brother behind. I, of course, chose my grandma. After I made this decision my stepdad had to go away to the gulf war. While he was away, his evil girlfriend became angry with me and slapped me in the face at least ten times and knocked a cup of water out of my hand. I had never been struck before because when my mom was around she would never allow it. I was only 14 and I completely snapped. I smacked her back about ten times and shoved her across the kitchen and into the dinning room and she fell back on the dinning room table. She ran to her room crying and I went and watched tv smiling. I then moved in with my grandma, and to stay in contact with my brother, I wrote the principal of his school and explained everything and asked if I could send my brother mail at the school. He allowed it and I stayed in contact with my brother.

My grandma was awesome, though my Bipolar was progressively getting worse. After high school I had my first panic attack. Then I dropped out of my first year of college and had a serious breakdown. I walked down the street to my apartment, whom I lived in with 3 female roommates, and was crying crazily and trying to punch out the window of any car that was sitting on the road. I also was beating the crap out of my face. I have always Self Harmed by punching my face, but by the time I got to my apartment my hand was black from bruise. My roommates instantly took me to the ER and I then spent time in a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with Bipolar. Everyday is a struggle for me. Over the years I have also lost both of my testicles to testicular cancer and since I can't have children, I have problems finding a reason to live. I also am completely incapable of having a relationship. I just can't do it no matter how bad I want it. My Self Harm has turned from punching to cutting and I have become quite addicted to it. In fact I think of it all the time. It has taken me over. My moods shift all the time and I am angry, depressed, elated, all the time. It is hard for me to get through a day. I don't know. This is where my Bipolar has led me. This is my story. Thanks for listening. Peace.
ManiacalTom ManiacalTom
31-35, M
6 Responses Sep 7, 2012

if you need anything i am here

You're me, but I man. I struggle daily to keep sane. Meds have horrible side effects too. I'm sorry you have had to endure such pain. I hope you're better now.

I am doing decent......my fiance keeps me sane. lol

i have bipolar and diabetes you are right i am not that i have that

I Am Not Bipolar, I Have Bipolar <<<<<<<< ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it bothers me when other people with bipolar define themselves as their illness or allow others to do so

hey¬° arent you seeing a doctor? taking meds? you can control bipolarity and you arent icapable to have a relation. Why is that? You are a man not a penis or a bank of sperma.

Sorry i writed you before i read below that you are on meds

Well you are right I am a man, but I love kids, and the fact I can't have one of my own really destroys me. Plus I have no testicles, and can't really have sex, in fact I never even have sexual thoughts. What kind of woman would want a man with no testicles and will barely want to have sex? Also, I am Bipolar, and it just makes things hard. I have never had a relationship last and it has been 12 years since I have even been on a date. I have severe anxiety. I would like a relationship, but I just don't feel it will ever happen or be possible, so I just avoid them. But thank you for saying I am more than a penis and a ***** bank.

I would. I am asexual. I have no desire for sex at all. If you don't have sexual thoughts, you might be too. Its perfectly normal.

Well honestly a lot has changed since I wrote that response.....the fact is I do want a child, but I have no desire to be with a woman...I have been in the closet most of my life and it was the help of friends here on EP and in real life that helped me to accept it.....I had dated 2 girls in my late teens and early twenties but it wasn't for me, so I stayed single and s3x free for 13 years.....I finally accepted it and now I have an awesome boyfriend who lives with me. We have been together almost a year now and I have never been happier in my whole life. I feel free, like I have spent my life in a dungeon and have finally been released. :-)

Thank you for the kind words. I would like to inform you that I have been in a relationship for 2 years now. We are engaged. :-) It took a lot of help from friends, and a lot of allowing myself to accept the truth I have tried to deny for so long. I am in fact gay. It was a long and hard road. Hiding myself and hating myself, but now things are sooooooo much better. For the first time in my life I don't hate myself. I haven't cut in about 2 years and my fiance it to thank for that. :-)

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My childhood was jacked up too, but not as severe. My dad was verbally and mentally abusive to my mom and often. He beat me and my siblings to leave us back and blue on the lower parts of our bodies. He gambled money away, drank everyday, and used drugs on occasion. My mother is and was amazing. I do not know why she stayed with him and kept this going so long. He died when I was 15 from cancer and I believe he was bipolar as well.... I have not been diagnosed because seeking medical attention for the problem has not occurred. A lot of the things you have mentioned I have felt and thought about doing. I do not do self harm, but I have. Thoughts of suicide are often, but I never plan it. Getting through days, keeping relationship going/healthy, finding a reason to not give up... these are all things I struggle with. Are you on any meds? Consider them? What is everyday like for you? Are you able to hold a steady job?... I have never really talked to anyone before about it, but your story really gets to me. It's like I'm reading parts of me in it...

Hello and thanks for the response. It seems you had a lot of crazy as well growing up. A lot of what you have said seems like me as well. My SH is pretty frequent and bloody. In fact I went crazy last night and had lots of deep cuts and one real deep one. I bled for a while, but couldn't stop the bleeding and had to go to the ER. It sucked. I ended up with around 30 staples for all the cuts. Bled all over the bed. They did let me go and gave me antibiotics and ativan. I am still pretty depressed, but calm thanks to the ativan. I do have thoughts of suicide often as well, but I don't plan it either. Just lots of thoughts. I did put a loaded and cocked gun to my head a few months ago, just to see what it felt like and if I would be nervous. I wasn't. Like you days are a struggle. I have bad social anxiety and don't like to be away from my place. And yeah, no relationship. Can't do it. I haven't dated or anything in over 12 years now. Yes I am in fact on medication. Currently I am on 300mg of Seroquel a day. Everyday for me can be different because of my moods and how they change, but I am very very nervous. I don't like to go out in public. If I do, it is only to certain stores. I go in I never make eyecontact with anyone, or even wish to engage in any type of conversation with anyone and I am in and out as fast as I can. I avoid large places like malls, and Wal-mart. All I do is read, watch movies, and play video games. I try my best to avoid the "real" world. In my early twenties I could never hold a steady job. I just felt nervous or something and would just quit so I could get out of there. Currently I have held a job at where I work now for 10 years now. It is because I only work with 3 people on my shift, I can be put on a machine and no one bothers me until it is time for me to leave. If I feel too stressed to work, I can call in sick. I have gone a little crazy at times, but they all know me, so I have gotten away with a few "incidents". So yeah, everyday is quite a struggle to me. All I want is to be in my apt. where it is safe. Anyway, I hope things are well with you. Peace.

I'm sorry to hear about the ER event. That does suck. Do you cut when the "pressure" builds, or is it just an addictive thing now? I can very much understand wanting to stay in your home, for me it is because I know I'm not normal and I do not connect with anyone. I also feel like any moment I could lose control and it is best if I am alone when this occurs. I recently quit a job because I was losing it at work and often, even though no one knows the real reason, not even the people I am closest to. Even though it was hard, I kept it hidden from my co-workers. I am able to be amongst people in a setting that I thrive in, which is where no one can really know me. I feel safe when I can always talk about the other person and not myself. This is why everyone likes talking to me, I am a listener. People are very self focused, so if you seem interested in them and ask about their life, they do not focus on you. I have learned to keep a mask up at all times, this is what helps me be around people. For you, its you can't talk with others at all? My anxiety/nervous moments peak randomly, and I just have to move around, if I don't I will lose it. As for what I do everyday, you said it, read, online college courses, and movies and video games if I have time. Reading is my main thing, it is an escape for me, like I am a part of the story... is it like that for you too?

Well, as for your question about the cutting, I do cut mostly when the "pressure" builds. The ER incident, I was going ballistic. I tore up my apartment and everything. I don't know why it happened though. There have been times where I didn't really feel bad and cut anyway, so I have no idea if it is because I am addicted or not, but I do not plan to try and stop. For me I know I am not normal either, but I am a great listener and a great friend. So no its not that I can't talk to others at all, I just can't talk to those I don't know. If I get to know someone real well then I will feel very comfortable around them and may even be friends with some of them. Even then, sometimes I feel too nervous to be around them and will cancel plans we might have made or something just so I can stay home. I have recently, this year, discovered a best friend just randomly. He is full blooded Native American, and he is awesome. He knows of all my problems, even the ER incident and I have broke down on him a few times, and he never judges me or talks **** to me and trusts me completely around his family. That is a rare thing. My moods, depression, hypo, anxiety all peak randomly as well, so it is hard for me to do things. About the reading, movies and games, I will say this. I love a good story and if any of these things has one, then I will become fully immersed in the story. Yes it is like I am a part of the story. I am very uncomfortable in the "real" world and much prefer to be in these "other" worlds. Reading is really awesome. I do these things in spurts. I will read for a while, then get to playing games for a while (currently the Mass Effect games and Skyrim) and then get into watching movies for a while. When I read, I love only fiction. So I guess it sounds like we are alike on some things. :-)

I understand why you cut and why you wouldn't stop. I know the pressure, how it compares to spontaneous combustion, and can concur on the cutting. I just look for other ways and it doesn't always work, so I try to sleep it off.. if I can sleep. Do they ever try to keep you during these ER visits? Have you ever had a long-stay experience in the hospital?
I do the same with friends, one moment I can be ready to go out and the next I don't even want them to come over. For me it is more of a low end thing, not so much the nervous. There is some anxiety because, as I mentioned, I feel like I can lose it at any time...
That is really awesome about your new best friend!!! It is so hard to find trust these days and even harder to find someone who will just give it the way he did! Hopefully you get to hang around with him often :).
I am 100% with you about the fiction and submerging myself in the story. If I find a good read, I cannot put it down and will read all day and night. I would choose a good story over any other past time. Movies are a here and there thing for me and video games are even less so. The last time I remember really getting into a game, I played constantly for about 3-4 weeks, was when prototype came out. Very freaky-awesome. I have yet to play either game you have mentioned, even though I have been invited to. I did not want to go out, and lack of time really. But, I have seen and heard great things of both! It is good to focus negative energy on something to relieve some pressure, and kicking *** in a video game always helps me.

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