Hello, this is my first entry on this site, and I am happy to have found a place where I'm not the only person who feels like this. I have been dealing with BDD since I was 14, or 15. I'm 23 now, and I can honestly say it gets worse with age. I know a lot of ppl say they are obsessed with mirrors and what not, but I am not. I HATE my reflection, I try to stay away from it at all costs! I just think that I am disgusting. I'm flabby, and just ugly. I have also battled with binge eating/anorexia/bulimia as well, causing me to lose a lot of weight then gain it all back. I believe this only adds to my self-hatred because I feel as if I can never reach my goal weight. Now, I'm not obese, but i could stand to lose at least 20 pounds.
I am utterly disgusted by my body, I always wear baggy clothes, even when its hot outside. I stay in the house all day and usually don't go out till the night, because I know that I will be burning up from the summer heat, and I don't own summer clothes. I also don't like to go out because of the judgment. I always feel like ppl are staring at how "unkempt" I look. I always feel like I'm dressed "bummy", but thats only because I cant wear fitted clothes. If i did i would feel like I would explode in them. I feel like I am a prisoner in this horrible body. I wish I had smaller boobs, smaller hips, slimmer thighs, and a flat stomach. But instead I have the exact opposite.
I feel as if I will never get married or have a serious boyfriend because I'm not pretty enough. Thats why i find it so confusing when I hear about people with BDD, who have relationships. I mean you can't be that ugly if someone wants to be with you. That should stand for something. No cute guy wants someone who looks like me. I secretly fear that I will be ugly, and alone...........always.