I Have Body Dysmorphia And Am Seeking Help

Hi, I'm 19 years old and have recently moved out to live on my own. BDD has taken over my life. I had body dysmorphia years ago and it mostly affected my weight. I went through eating disorders and finally got help and it wasn't a problem until recently, I gained 15 pounds, then starved myself to lose about 25. I am still worried about my weight even though I'm thinner than I was before I still am not satisfied. I used to be satisfied with my facial appearance even far enough to think I was prettier than many of my peers. This all changed the past few months, I have no idea whether or not I'm pretty. I realize that sounds ridiculous. I constantly stare in the mirror trying to understand how others see me. I look at myself and wonder if its the disease taking over or if all those years i thought i was pretty when i wasn't. No one understands how frustrating it is to not understand if you're pretty or not or thin or not. I feel so selfish putting so much emphasis on my appearance. The one thing I want most is to be able to see myself as pretty and not keep comparing myself to others and spend hours seeking plastic surgery.

This is so difficult.
Allisonmattie Allisonmattie
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 1, 2012

I can relate a lot to this as well. It was less than a year ago that I felt a lot better about myself. Ive had bdd for a very long time (maybe since the age of 9. I am now 24). I know for a fact that im not your typical looking person however I dont find it TOO difficult to find others who are attracted to me. However this past year I feel like ive gotten soooo ugly that my social anxiety has gotten even worse. Ive asked my friends if I look a lot different or ugly and they tell me "no". To this day I can still have a night out with friends and find someone that finds me attractive sometimes. But I feel like im the ugliest thing alive.