Self Loathing Is Getting The Best Of Me

I highly doubt its bdd that I have....im just straight up fugly. Lol but I was told by people that I might have this disorder. Im a 24 year old male. 5 ft 2 128 lbs. Everyone tells me I look 17 not just because im short but I have a very young face. However, that doesnt necessarily mean I think im attractive. I was born with sorta elf like ears. And I used to be called all kind of names growing up. From little elf boy to frodo....u name it lol.everytime I look in the mirror, its al I think about. I see a hideous freak of nature. At times when i look in a compact mirror and the light is hitting my face right, i love how i look. But i notice that i only like my appearance if i look through a small mirror. When i look in a big wall mirror, i wanna kill myself...or any other reflection for that matter.Normally, I wouldnt be here on this site because I ld know for a fact that im just ugly as heck. But despite everything on how I feel, I notice that I do get hit on from time to time. And from time to time when I go out to maybe a nightclub, I find someone to kiss. Also, I know of some people who tell me im attractive. So, its confusing to me. How can anyone on earth find me mildy attractive??? When I look in a mirror, I seeel ugly; people sometimes make fun of me....and yet I still have some people who like me.....im soo confused, frustrated, anxious and stressed all the time about this. Im tired of obssessing. I almost wish nobody would find me attraftive because at least ill know im ugly and ill have to get over it. But im at a point where idk how I dont know if I know what I look like. I care and obsess way too much about my looks. And im tired of feeling nervous to talk to people. I cant look at pple in the face without thinking they are laughing at me in their head.
jcmp7754 jcmp7754
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 6, 2012

at only 5 ft 2 i dont think gaining a lot of muscle will look good on me. but i definityl wanna tone up. i know its what my body needs. and im not doing it to please other people. im gonna do it for myself. to build my self esteem and my confidence.and also, for better health. i ,too, plan on taking daily vitamins. i know for a fact that i will feel so much better about myself once i reach the body i want.