I Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Well, I've stumbled across this place because the main forum I used to use - "BDD Central" - vanished into the internet ether several months ago. On it, my name was "Beyond Words", and sometimes I miss the place intensely, although I fear it will never be able to be recovered from whatever happened to it.
Anyway, a little about me: I am a 37-year-old male who has had severe BDD since at least the age of 21; it was at that age that it seemed to hit me hardest for the first time. I am currently living and working in Poland as a teacher of English. My BDD obsessions mostly revolve around my hair (or more specifically
the lack of it) but it has concentrated on other areas in the past, such as my skin and my teeth.
I am in a bad way at present. The depression has hit me with some force recently, and I have had to question what I am doing out here in a foreign
country away from the UK and the NHS (which I have to admit has sometimes been very helpful to me in the past). What few friends I have made I have started to push away just recently as the depression has started to bed itself in; and now I fear I am continuing on a familiar path of self-isolation. Sometimes the people around me have been triggering without realising it (of course, although they pretty much know I am getting depressed, they have no idea I have this thing called BDD, and they probably wouldn't know what that was even if they did).
And so I am teetering on the brink of returning to the UK again - where I have no home, no job, precious few friends, and a very small family, most of who
themselves have suffered from various forms of mental illness.
I am tired of my work out here, which is mentally exhausting, and for which the rewards seldom outweigh the effort I put it. But if I return to the UK it will
be just another thing to add to my long list of failures. OK, I have worked out here for over 4 months, which even for a well person would have been an
achievement. But I am worried that in a practical, material sense, I will have very little to take away from this achievement. It's all very well trying to
buck myself up by reminding myself at just what a monumental thing it must have been for me to have managed to do this; but I doubt my mind (which has been weakened over the years by wave after wave of BDD attacks, or long periods of depressive isolation) will even respond to that, and it won't have any lasting effects.
Sorry for the tone of this long message, but as you can see I'm not feeling at my best at all.
Stuart.
Anyway, a little about me: I am a 37-year-old male who has had severe BDD since at least the age of 21; it was at that age that it seemed to hit me hardest for the first time. I am currently living and working in Poland as a teacher of English. My BDD obsessions mostly revolve around my hair (or more specifically
the lack of it) but it has concentrated on other areas in the past, such as my skin and my teeth.
I am in a bad way at present. The depression has hit me with some force recently, and I have had to question what I am doing out here in a foreign
country away from the UK and the NHS (which I have to admit has sometimes been very helpful to me in the past). What few friends I have made I have started to push away just recently as the depression has started to bed itself in; and now I fear I am continuing on a familiar path of self-isolation. Sometimes the people around me have been triggering without realising it (of course, although they pretty much know I am getting depressed, they have no idea I have this thing called BDD, and they probably wouldn't know what that was even if they did).
And so I am teetering on the brink of returning to the UK again - where I have no home, no job, precious few friends, and a very small family, most of who
themselves have suffered from various forms of mental illness.
I am tired of my work out here, which is mentally exhausting, and for which the rewards seldom outweigh the effort I put it. But if I return to the UK it will
be just another thing to add to my long list of failures. OK, I have worked out here for over 4 months, which even for a well person would have been an
achievement. But I am worried that in a practical, material sense, I will have very little to take away from this achievement. It's all very well trying to
buck myself up by reminding myself at just what a monumental thing it must have been for me to have managed to do this; but I doubt my mind (which has been weakened over the years by wave after wave of BDD attacks, or long periods of depressive isolation) will even respond to that, and it won't have any lasting effects.
Sorry for the tone of this long message, but as you can see I'm not feeling at my best at all.
Stuart.
By:
BeyondAllWords
Age:
36-40
,
Male
2
responses
