I Feel Trapped..

I have not been properly diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder because I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone about it, I know I need to though. I don't know how much I can deal with feeling like I'm trapped in this body. I feel like I don't look like the way I am suppose to look. I'm 16 but get told I look about 12. This is because I have a pretty obvious underbite which gives me an ugly profile. I can't ever leave the house without checking myself in every single mirror and I check myself in the car windows or any reflective surface I can and everytime get infuriated because I feel like I'm just trapped in something I don't belong in. I go to school and constantly have the thought running through my mind "I'm so ugly" and I think when people look at me their just telling themselves how ugly and disgusting I am. I feel like if I was born beautiful my life would be so much easier. I'm losing credit in all of my classes because for a period of time I would skip school everyday because I couldn't deal with the embarrassment of my ugliness. This disorder is stopping me from doing things I want to do, I'm extremely too self conscious when I meet people I do not know, I feel like I get treated differently by the way I look. I feel like I've just gotten by on my humor. I have no solid best friend, just a bunch of aquaintences, and I never get invited out I always have to be the one to make plans with someone else. Otherwise, I'd get no calls. On bad days, I'll avoid going out altogether because I'm too ugly. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my mind and stop having to think about this 24/7, I am afraid I'm going to kill myself but then I think their are people dying of cancer and here I am wanting to kill myself over an underbite, and it makes me feel even worse. I need help but I know this torture within myself will never end. I'll never look the way I want to.

smitty12993 smitty12993
18-21, F
7 Responses Mar 1, 2009

great to hear!! It's great to hear that you are doing something constructive about this disorder. My prayers are with you.

Hi, it's mandyclaire again!<br />
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I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading a very moving autobiography by a girl that has had BDD - it's called The Butterfly Girl. She has got a lot better - maybe we can pick up tips from it!<br />
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All the best.<br />
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XXX

Hi laurajaynesalt, thanks for taking the time to read my story. I'm sorry you have to go through the same thing I am, it's an awful feeling to deal with. Lately I've been trying to tell myself, you know what, who the hell cares! I'm 16 years old and I can't be wasting 'the good years' of my life away because I'm too self conscious. I wish i had some good advice for you but to be honest, I've yet to find anything yet that has really worked for me. The only thing I've found that has seemed to reduce the feeling even a little bit is focusing on something else. Lately I have been working really hard in school and doing all my work, studying etc, and I find when I find something else to focus on I have less time to feel those bad things about myself. I hope you will feel better soon, and please if you ever want to talk about it, I'd love to share experiences with you. Talk to you soon.

hi, i just read your story and just thought maybe id post a little comment as you just described me in a nutshell. i hope you don't mind only just recently I have been told I may be suffering with BDD also and I don't know what to do about it. I also feel very trapped and sometimes there are weeks on end where I cannot face leaving the house. Please, if you can, let me know how you have gone about dealing with this and if you have tried anything in particular which has helped you as im feeling very very stuck :(.i hope youre having a good week and are feeling happy, laura xxxx

It was good to hear from you, and also to hear that you are in therapy for other problems because, hopefully, your therapist will be able to help you with this as well. I think all the problems we have are connected, so when you sort one out it may actually help with another.<br />
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I could give you tons of advice, but it would be a bit pointless because I can't follow it myself! <br />
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One thing that MAY help is if you go to a makeup therapist and tell her the things you're not happy with, she may be able to show you ways of drawing attention away from them. I went for a makeover at the No 7 counter at Boots, and was amazed at how different I looked. I think I have terrible skin, and disguise it under tons of makeup, but the therapist send I had good skin!<br />
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Remember, it's what we're like INSIDE that matters, and other people probably find attractive the very things we think are awful!<br />
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You are in my thoughts every day - take care, and all the best.

Your words really mean alot to me, thanks for taking the time to listen to my story I really appreciate it. I'm currently in therapy for other problems and I'm already on anti depressants now I think I'll print off this story and show it to my therapist because I know she'll understand even though I think it's embarrassing.

Wow - you've described it so well! I do hope you felt better having shared how you feel. Do try to tell your doctor, and see if you can get help. There is a website for bdd, where you can get a sample letter for a doctor (explaining what bdd is) and advice on getting help.<br />
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Try telling other people, such as your parents, a trusted older person, priest, doctor etc - most people are so sympathetic even if they don't really understand. Also, I think you'd be surprised by how many of your friends understand, and some may even feel the same way about their appearance.<br />
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Did anyone ever say something cruel about your appearance? If they did, it just shows them to be nasty (I'm sure YOU wouldn't be cruel about someone's appearance). They may also be jealous of your good looks!<br />
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I know of three girls who used to be beautiful, but were bullied about their appearance - mainly about their weight. All three became anorexic, and two of them are dead. The other isn't beautiful anymore, all because she let peoples comments affect her so drastically.<br />
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It's what we're like inside that counts, and it helps to have a pleasant, friendly ex<x>pression, and be relaxed about ourselves.<br />
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It's funny - here am I saying this to you and, at 56 years old, I'm still having trouble, and letting my bdd stop me from having a life!<br />
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I feel for you - I think it's worse at your age because you'll be more sensitive. If it's any consolation, it has got better for me - when you are 56 people aren't so likely to expect you to look perfect! It's just that I think I should!<br />
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I'll be thinking of you. DO try your doctor, and if he/she doesn't help - try someone else. There are good doctors and bad doctors - I've had amazing help in the past, but the last time I went the doctor wasn't interested.<br />
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Print off what you've written and show it to people - you'll be surprised how many people understand.<br />
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You may think people will be shocked or criticise you for being vain. When I was bulimic, the first person I told was my brother. At the end of my letter I said "Please don't hate me"! He was SO understanding and loving, as has been nearly everyone else who knows me.<br />
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Best of luck! XXX